Guide To Action

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Tom’s Expendables

This summer sees the release of one of the most anticipated action films ever and I’m not talking about Jurassic Park IV! The Expendables 2 hits screens in August and will feature some of the most bad-ass, hard-as-nails, stacked-as-fuck action stars to ever machine gun, cop-slide, break a man’s neck with inexplicable ease or splash into a dock before an explosion in a nearby derelict warehouse.

Now, I’m not sure who the casting director was, but if it was up to me Willis, Norris, Schwarzenegger and Stallone would be replaced by this crack team of hit-men...

Gallagher

Weapon of choice – a razor sharp tambourine

Catchphrase – “Live Forever” (in a drawled Mancunian tone before vaulting into a myriad of automatic rifle crossfire, unmapped minefields or a cockfighting pit to rescue a girl, an adorable puppy or pack of benny hedges).

Special skill – As a former roadie, Gallagher has experience of shifting heavy objects, making him the ideal man to set up defensive formations such as a sandbags, debris and barrels that explode with the slightest touch.

Despite having the tender ability to sing poetic, catchy songs, which indecently cheers the rest of the team up no end on their downtime, Gallagher’s no softy and has come to blows more than once, notably with his (evil?) brother Noel. An out of tune rendition of Wonderwall will leave him seeing red, flinging his tambourine indiscriminately, decapitating and maiming all those in his path, akin to Oddjob’s hat or strangling his enemies with a microphone lead. Gallagher’s one weakness is that he must wear sunglasses at all times (even indoors and at night) as the removal of said shades produces a dangerously unstable beam of energy that can cut through anything from suet to Dairylea.

Barton

Weapon of choice – Ninja knees

Catchphrase – “Good job I brought my shin pads” (after being warned of a possibly hostile situation).

Special Skill – His ever updated Twitter feed shows how clued up he is on the social media side of things, bringing in a much needed marketability and funds to a team who explode every car, speedboat or potentially profitable meth lab they discover.

Football’s most dangerous man never baulks in the face of authority, appropriately calling his former Jabba-The-Hut resembling boss Mike Ashley a “fat slug” and baked bean-headed former striker Alan Shearer “a shit manager with shit tactics.” Being a true patriot and with the impending third world war over the Falklands on the horizon, Barton has already taken it upon himself to tackle (a loose term) two of Argentina’s BIGGEST threats, Augero and Tevez. As well those aforementioned knees, Barton is a dab-hand with a lit cigar but ironically not so accurate with a football, with the most misplaced passes in the league last season, according to those super hardcore analysts at OPTA.

Ramsay

Weapon of choice – Knives

Catchphrase – “Done” (after slitting the throat of a poorly trained and educated Somali refugee who probably has a wife and children waiting for him at home).

Special skill – Sometimes those ration packs of hard biscuits and dried meat can get a bit stale so who better to have on the team than a celebrity chef? Armed with a selection of spices in his bandolier, now that wild pig the team butchered in the cold, rainy jungle can be properly seasoned.                                                                                                        

Swearing like a sailor is the ultimate mark of a true big man and this crazy mother’s even spent time been behind bars. And if you don’t think helping convicts start a cupcake business is hardcore, you ain’t got your priorities sorted. Ramsay truly DOES have his priorities sorted, even putting his own family aside when they stood in the way of business, particularly his arch nemesis father-in-law. A true master of disguise, Ramsay’s ever changing botox and facelift regimes keep him one step ahead of his enemies and his kinfework skills are lethal and precise, dicing up an enemy’s ball-bag like an onion. Ramsay swears in the face of danger, once being doused in petrol and held at gunpoint in Cuba before telling the baddies to “fuck off.” Probably.

Mitchell, Mitchell

Weapon of choice – A variety of tools, hammers and jump cables; attached to an enemy’s bollocks.

Catchphrase – Unnerving silence… and heavy, asthmatic breathing.

Special skill – If ever the jeep, apache helicopter or gun-car (a car made of a gun that shoots cars, obviously) ever breaks down, these two former mechanics can ensure every spark plug, machine gun or fire-spitting exhaust is fully operational after several deserved tea breaks and sausage butties.

Apart from marrying Sharon and running the Queen Vic (the team’s local), the bicep-clad, slap-headed brothers also share an innate telepathic understanding of one another, being twins (YES THEY ARE!). With an overbearing amount of brotherly love, both are willing to die for the other making the Mitchell brothers a formidable duo. They can crush their opponents with their bare hands and despite the worrying number of deaths in the small area of East London they inhabit; they’ve kept the Square clean of scumbags for years. Both have had their fair share of war wounds with Phil taking a bullet from a deceitful ex-wife as well as getting himself to crack, the silly billy. Grant has also been in the thick of it, standing toe-to-toe with drug cartels, gang members and Somali pirates and can rightfully hold the title of ‘definitely being harder than Danny Dyer.’

Cox

Weapon of choice – Defibrillator, surgical syringe, scalpel

Catchphrase – “Ok Nancy, you reheheheally need to cool down… because your immune system’s fucked and you’ll be getting pneumonia any minute… now” (After injecting an enemy with the AIDS).

Special skill – Every team needs someone medically trained to tend to flesh wounds, disembowelment and missing limbs and this quack just so happens to be a sarcastic, jacked-up bad-ass.

Not only would a medic give some much needed peace of mind to the rest of the team, the good doctor would have experience of going through reams upon reams of paperwork incurred from the chaos, destruction and expensive lawsuits served against the team for driving recklessly through wet streets into oncoming traffic or dangerously tackling a suspect through a fifth floor window after a rooftop chase; most probably leaving some innocent passer-by in a vegetative state for life. Cox has encountered death on numerous occasions so would have no qualms with ending the life on another, celebrating at times with a scotch. Cox harbours a revered hatred for the knife handed actor, Hugh Jackman and the two have fought many times, most recently in a steel cage.

Prescott

Weapon of choice – Fists

Catchphrase – “You’re toast, lad… mmm, toast” (Before eating his enemies).

Special skill – Winning’s great but sometimes it’s best to know when to stand down and who better to negotiate when you’re tied to a chair and soaked in gasoline than a former diplomat? Albeit, tact has never been Prescott’s strong point so prepare for some pretty severe burns. 

The former amateur boxing champ isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, notably launching a tirade of chubby punches at a man who threw a grenade/egg at him in my hometown (GET IN). Ever a man of luxury, old “two jags” doesn’t simply walk from place to place when he can enjoy the carnal pleasures of driving expensive sports cars, even when nipping down the shops for some milk, acting as the driver when called up to star in a gritty street race or jump off a bridge onto the deck of moving boat below. As with any action heartthrob, Prescott has had his fair share of trouble with the ladies, but rather than them turn out to be a seductress Russian spy, some have slapped a sexual harassment lawsuit his way. At least play by the rules and slit his throat in a jacuzzi on a space rocket, you miserable bitches!

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So keep an eye out for The Expendables 3, coming to cinemas near you NEVER! Featuring several unfit and out of breath men, jumped up pricks and blurred lines of reality and fiction. Seriously though, this would be one shit film!