Find out what happened when I wanted a free Kit Kat

Since my Emails to the FA and Olympics went down such a storm, here is another example of me harassing hardworking people because I was bored and unemployed.

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I'll just get started with the emails, they put more eloquently into words more undying love for Kit Kat Chunky Peanut Butter.




For which I received two replies!



And then again the even better...

 

Now, I don't know who's in charge of Nestle's customer service but they seriously need to keep track of themselves and I ended up with twice as many Kit Kats, not that I'm complaining.

I also received a third reply but it was so boringly corporate and unimaginative that I couldn't be bothered putting up the picture. Seriously it sounds like it was written by an old dinner lady and didn't once bring up the topic of free Kit Kats the miserable old bitch!

Anyway, I replied quickly to both of these emails and generally played it cool. You know me...




Anyway, it was the second reply that interested me most, the so called 'box' of Kit Kats, I could have feasted my way to an early coronary or even better, I later learned that during the Challenge, boxes of Peanut Butter Kit Kats were being sold on E-Bay for upwards of £220.

Nestle were in regular contact with me over the next few days, organising a courier to bring my box over.

I'm going to break away from normal tradition and let Internet memes take over to display my surprise on arrival of my box. Or 'box.'






Wow...

This is not what I thought you meant when you said 'a box of Kit Kats.'

Cheers Nestle.........

So in the end I only got 4 Kit Kats (as the lady from the first email sent a bag of 3) but my journey wasn't finished there... Oh no...

If you remember from the first email I used my incredibly funny and inventive brain to come up with some slogans?

Well I was later asked by a company called The Big Kick (the advertising agency for Nestle) to come in and help thrash out ideas for another promotion. And they paid me a cool £100 per day and gave me a Kit Kat. Oh yeah!

Hey Nestle, you keep chopping down the rainforest and slitting Orang-utan's throats. You keep paying me that money and I'm your guy!




There's the money-shot.

Find out what happened when I challenged for Olympic Gold

I'd remained sceptical about the forthcoming London Olympics for a number of reasons. I think the astronomical cost of all the new infrastructure and other amenities will far outweigh the tourism and sponsorship booms that may result from it. The fact that we're still relying on Indonesian children sewing our Olympic merchandise, when there are children in Leeds ripe for exploitation shows how we are still to heavily dependent on pinching pennies. In all seriousness, that an American company was chosen to print all the Olympic tickets over the multitude of printing businesses on our own shores shows how the organisers could care less about boosting the British economy.

Oh, and that shirt in the picture gave me a blister while I was playing volleyball! The child labourers of the grim North would never have let something as serious as jogger's nipple past their screening.

The Olympics isn't supposed to be about money, it's about the athletes. Anyone can be an achieve their goals if they really set their mind to it, especially in the Western World, where AIDS, starvation and an eight year old with an AK-47 won't ruin a good training montage.

With this in mind, I approached the board of Olympics with an offer they could not refuse (spoiler alert: they did).

To which I received what I feel was a very prompt and warm reply from the British Olympics Association.

Note the very sincere 'best of luck' quote.

Not to be perturbed I sent the same email to the Football Association and after waiting for ages they sent me this very curt message.

Hm... it's a bit corporate and doesn't really explain how Andy Carroll made the Euro squad but at least they offered some critical advice which I undoubtedly took and replied with this.

Only to receive this reply.

I mean come on, the miserable bastards. You would of thought the FA could take a joke, after all, just look at their recent spending strategy with Capello.

After this break away I didn't respond. I felt let down by my own nation and felt the Olympics would be better off without me. Maybe I wasn't ever meant to show the world my unbelievable tekkers. The dreams of a nation may have fallen on one man's shoulders, a true underdog story, played out over 90 minutes. Instead they were cruelly cast aside by the big boy bullies at the FA.

Still, I'll only be 29 when the next Olympics come around, the prime for a footballer, so will try again then and hopefully have an Olympic gold medal to show to strangers on the bus and put above the fireplace between the Technology Award I won in year 6 (and never gave back) and the photo of me and Bepe from Eastenders.