Guide To Action

Back on the blog...

Tom’s Expendables

This summer sees the release of one of the most anticipated action films ever and I’m not talking about Jurassic Park IV! The Expendables 2 hits screens in August and will feature some of the most bad-ass, hard-as-nails, stacked-as-fuck action stars to ever machine gun, cop-slide, break a man’s neck with inexplicable ease or splash into a dock before an explosion in a nearby derelict warehouse.

Now, I’m not sure who the casting director was, but if it was up to me Willis, Norris, Schwarzenegger and Stallone would be replaced by this crack team of hit-men...

Gallagher

Weapon of choice – a razor sharp tambourine

Catchphrase – “Live Forever” (in a drawled Mancunian tone before vaulting into a myriad of automatic rifle crossfire, unmapped minefields or a cockfighting pit to rescue a girl, an adorable puppy or pack of benny hedges).

Special skill – As a former roadie, Gallagher has experience of shifting heavy objects, making him the ideal man to set up defensive formations such as a sandbags, debris and barrels that explode with the slightest touch.

Despite having the tender ability to sing poetic, catchy songs, which indecently cheers the rest of the team up no end on their downtime, Gallagher’s no softy and has come to blows more than once, notably with his (evil?) brother Noel. An out of tune rendition of Wonderwall will leave him seeing red, flinging his tambourine indiscriminately, decapitating and maiming all those in his path, akin to Oddjob’s hat or strangling his enemies with a microphone lead. Gallagher’s one weakness is that he must wear sunglasses at all times (even indoors and at night) as the removal of said shades produces a dangerously unstable beam of energy that can cut through anything from suet to Dairylea.

Barton

Weapon of choice – Ninja knees

Catchphrase – “Good job I brought my shin pads” (after being warned of a possibly hostile situation).

Special Skill – His ever updated Twitter feed shows how clued up he is on the social media side of things, bringing in a much needed marketability and funds to a team who explode every car, speedboat or potentially profitable meth lab they discover.

Football’s most dangerous man never baulks in the face of authority, appropriately calling his former Jabba-The-Hut resembling boss Mike Ashley a “fat slug” and baked bean-headed former striker Alan Shearer “a shit manager with shit tactics.” Being a true patriot and with the impending third world war over the Falklands on the horizon, Barton has already taken it upon himself to tackle (a loose term) two of Argentina’s BIGGEST threats, Augero and Tevez. As well those aforementioned knees, Barton is a dab-hand with a lit cigar but ironically not so accurate with a football, with the most misplaced passes in the league last season, according to those super hardcore analysts at OPTA.

Ramsay

Weapon of choice – Knives

Catchphrase – “Done” (after slitting the throat of a poorly trained and educated Somali refugee who probably has a wife and children waiting for him at home).

Special skill – Sometimes those ration packs of hard biscuits and dried meat can get a bit stale so who better to have on the team than a celebrity chef? Armed with a selection of spices in his bandolier, now that wild pig the team butchered in the cold, rainy jungle can be properly seasoned.                                                                                                        

Swearing like a sailor is the ultimate mark of a true big man and this crazy mother’s even spent time been behind bars. And if you don’t think helping convicts start a cupcake business is hardcore, you ain’t got your priorities sorted. Ramsay truly DOES have his priorities sorted, even putting his own family aside when they stood in the way of business, particularly his arch nemesis father-in-law. A true master of disguise, Ramsay’s ever changing botox and facelift regimes keep him one step ahead of his enemies and his kinfework skills are lethal and precise, dicing up an enemy’s ball-bag like an onion. Ramsay swears in the face of danger, once being doused in petrol and held at gunpoint in Cuba before telling the baddies to “fuck off.” Probably.

Mitchell, Mitchell

Weapon of choice – A variety of tools, hammers and jump cables; attached to an enemy’s bollocks.

Catchphrase – Unnerving silence… and heavy, asthmatic breathing.

Special skill – If ever the jeep, apache helicopter or gun-car (a car made of a gun that shoots cars, obviously) ever breaks down, these two former mechanics can ensure every spark plug, machine gun or fire-spitting exhaust is fully operational after several deserved tea breaks and sausage butties.

Apart from marrying Sharon and running the Queen Vic (the team’s local), the bicep-clad, slap-headed brothers also share an innate telepathic understanding of one another, being twins (YES THEY ARE!). With an overbearing amount of brotherly love, both are willing to die for the other making the Mitchell brothers a formidable duo. They can crush their opponents with their bare hands and despite the worrying number of deaths in the small area of East London they inhabit; they’ve kept the Square clean of scumbags for years. Both have had their fair share of war wounds with Phil taking a bullet from a deceitful ex-wife as well as getting himself to crack, the silly billy. Grant has also been in the thick of it, standing toe-to-toe with drug cartels, gang members and Somali pirates and can rightfully hold the title of ‘definitely being harder than Danny Dyer.’

Cox

Weapon of choice – Defibrillator, surgical syringe, scalpel

Catchphrase – “Ok Nancy, you reheheheally need to cool down… because your immune system’s fucked and you’ll be getting pneumonia any minute… now” (After injecting an enemy with the AIDS).

Special skill – Every team needs someone medically trained to tend to flesh wounds, disembowelment and missing limbs and this quack just so happens to be a sarcastic, jacked-up bad-ass.

Not only would a medic give some much needed peace of mind to the rest of the team, the good doctor would have experience of going through reams upon reams of paperwork incurred from the chaos, destruction and expensive lawsuits served against the team for driving recklessly through wet streets into oncoming traffic or dangerously tackling a suspect through a fifth floor window after a rooftop chase; most probably leaving some innocent passer-by in a vegetative state for life. Cox has encountered death on numerous occasions so would have no qualms with ending the life on another, celebrating at times with a scotch. Cox harbours a revered hatred for the knife handed actor, Hugh Jackman and the two have fought many times, most recently in a steel cage.

Prescott

Weapon of choice – Fists

Catchphrase – “You’re toast, lad… mmm, toast” (Before eating his enemies).

Special skill – Winning’s great but sometimes it’s best to know when to stand down and who better to negotiate when you’re tied to a chair and soaked in gasoline than a former diplomat? Albeit, tact has never been Prescott’s strong point so prepare for some pretty severe burns. 

The former amateur boxing champ isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, notably launching a tirade of chubby punches at a man who threw a grenade/egg at him in my hometown (GET IN). Ever a man of luxury, old “two jags” doesn’t simply walk from place to place when he can enjoy the carnal pleasures of driving expensive sports cars, even when nipping down the shops for some milk, acting as the driver when called up to star in a gritty street race or jump off a bridge onto the deck of moving boat below. As with any action heartthrob, Prescott has had his fair share of trouble with the ladies, but rather than them turn out to be a seductress Russian spy, some have slapped a sexual harassment lawsuit his way. At least play by the rules and slit his throat in a jacuzzi on a space rocket, you miserable bitches!

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So keep an eye out for The Expendables 3, coming to cinemas near you NEVER! Featuring several unfit and out of breath men, jumped up pricks and blurred lines of reality and fiction. Seriously though, this would be one shit film!

Guide To Your Mates

Tom's Guide To Life is back after a lengthy absence!

Remember these handy, dandy lifestyle guides often contain some rather raucous language so if you are not of a strong disposition, look away now!

Tom's Guide To... Your Mates

Ah, your mates are the best aren’t they? Always there to call you a cunt, drop foreign objects in your pint or riffle through your mum’s knicker drawer. Those funny fuckers! But did you know, it’s been proven by science* that all groups of lads conform to the following groups?

*This may or may not be true.

If you’re thinking, I can fit my mates into nearly all of the categories except for that unsavoury character. Well my friend, that’s because it’s probably you.

The Smooth Operator

Classic example – Prince Harry

The ladies’ man, one handsome bastard with a sharp fashion sense and dance moves to match. While you’re with the lads, deciding whose shit-stained 50p is on the pool table, he’s schmoozing up the lovely behind the bar. While you’re content grinding up against some garden shed, he seems to have a harem of sexy girls orbiting him. He’s a handy asset to your squad though, acting like a Venus flytrap in a polo shirt, he lures unwary females over to your table. First impressions made, all that’s left is to flood pitchers of Cheeky Vimto down their necks until they think you’re as good looking and interesting as him. 

Pros – Wingman? He’s flying this fucking thing. Without him, you ugly mugs would have less chance picking up the hotties than an eskimo with a cold.

Cons – Your girlfriend almost certainly fancies him more than you.

The State

Classic example - Steve-O (Jackass) (Pre-sobriety)

And you thought you were hardcore? This mad fucker never stops! Come 4am you’re about ready for a taxi, a pitta full of dog meat and a nice warm bed to soil. He’s already talking about heading to the next club and meeting up for a beer and burger come lunchtime. You’ve reluctantly followed him on a night out before and ended up in a dingy basement flat, far from home, not knowing anyone while he’s locked in a room doing cocaine off a midget’s elbow. Meanwhile, scary men are threatening to ‘shank you’ unless you get in the den they’ve made out of living room furniture.

Pros – Always up for it. Just finished work? Let’s get a pint! Girlfriend dumped you? Let’s get a pint! Someone stole your kidney in an alley?...

Cons – He’ll probably end up addicted to a class-A drug, go to rehab, relapse and end up living in a crack-den. You’ll try and stay in touch at first but get frustrated every time he asks for a fiver for his fix.

The Guy Who Has A House.

Classic Example - Tom Cruise in Risky Business

When it’s too cold to sit on the swings, drinking cheap cider you’re normally at his house. Who cares if you burn ciggy holes in the sofa, mash Quavers into the carpet or let stray cats shit in his fridge? Here, there are no rules. All that’s left to do is fill every available space with beer, arrange a party to rival a Gipsy funeral via the internet and wait for the local news reporters to arrive.

Pros – If you’re sick on his floor you can just cover it in newspaper and let nature take its course.

Cons – His landlord will throw him out after the complaints about noise, illegal fight clubs and badger infestations that will inevitably result from your soirees. 

The Nutcase

Classic example – Francis Begbie (Trainspotting)

While you impress the ladies with your spot on MC Hammer moves, he stands on the side-lines, scanning the area for danger like some steroid-abusing meerkat. When someone innocently dances into you, he’s the first on the scene, neck veins pulsing, index finger pointing vigorously. The Nutcase definitely has his uses though. If those dick’eds who are getting fresh aren’t subdued by your Chinese burns and girlish slaps, he can step in, thus saving the day.

Pros – You feel more secure than a spunk-resistant Megan Fox in a prison for bukkake maniacs in this mad bastard’s company.

Cons – He starts more trouble than he prevents, the night ultimately ending with you face down on the concrete when the bouncers decide “someone looking at me funny” isn’t a good enough excuse to break a man’s head off the urinal.

The Butt of all Jokes

Classic example – Pancho (Dirty Sanchez)

He’s probably a bit short, a bit fat and a bit of a lightweight and he takes the one-way traffic of banter like a sponge. He’s the first one you break out the sharpie on after a few too many Jagerbombs and is just the perfect size to arrange a living room on top of, if human buckaroo is more your thing, you progressive fuckers. Yes, he’s an idiot, with comebacks about as sharp as a spoon and game about as stylish as Accrington Stanley, but he’s your idiot! And by God, you’ll defend him if anyone but the lads takes the piss.

Pros – You can quickly and seamlessly turn any unwanted abuse onto him. (Example; the lads are telling you how much they want to shag your mum, to which you reply, ‘fair enough, but let’s agree that we all really want to shag ‘BOAJ’s’ mum.’ The boys nod in agreement and you resume your pint, your mum’s honour intact).

Cons – He’ll probably want the ‘why don’t you respect me?’ chat, every few months. You’ll recognise that you probably give him a bit of a hard time and end it with an apology and a manly hug. Then you call him a cunt within 5 minutes of hanging out with the lads, to a rapturous applause - and the status quo is restored. 

The Guy Who’s Never Out

Classic example – The Prodigal Son (The Bible, dipshit)

Either he’s completely pussy whipped, a serial masturbator or maybe he just too cool to hang out with you pricks, but when he’s about, he’s greeted with complicated high fives and off the cuff wanders to the pub, abandoning all prior engagements (girlfriends anniversary, granddad’s funeral, doctors to get that lump on your bollock sorted). You’ll drunkenly swear to meet up more often and then take it in turns to one-up each other’s stories about the times you hung out with this awesome motherfucker, parading him around like some sick, fleshy trophy. He sits uncomfortably; glad he doesn’t see you more often.

Pros – He’s just awesome, remember that time when you all went camping and he did that cool thing and it was awesome? He doesn’t.

Cons – You lent him £30 for that trip to the pub and you probably won’t see him again for another 3 years. By that time the country has gone to the dogs, currency has depreciated in value and all £30 can buy you is a pack of skittles. The sly cunt planned this all along.

The Shit-Chatter

Classic example – Jay (The Inbetweeners)

You’re never quite sure why you hang around with this lad. Sure he’s a mate, but do you really care ‘what he should have said’ to those geezers at the last bar? Or that time he drank himself sober? Or when he freed all those sailors from the Somali pirates? You probably put up with him because your parents are all old friends and told you to let him hang around with you and the boys. Even back then he was liar, never shutting up about how his dad used to molest him, the little fibber!

Pros – It’s difficult to find anything good in this annoying little twat’s repertoire. Apparently he once had trials for Everton so he must be pretty good at football. Even though it’s unquestionably bullshit, we’ll give him that. Just.

Cons – He’s a bit of a prick.

The Girl

Elliot (Scrubs)

She’s a star isn’t she? The only one who, not only remembers it’s your birthday, but buys you a present too! She’s just one of guys really, but she smells better. You can honestly tell her how you’re feeling about life, your hopes and dreams and not live in fear that she’ll tell the fellas. And the best part is you don’t even fancy her, you’re just really good mates who enjoy each other’s company, regardless of gender. Then you get drunk and try to shag her. Bad move.

Pros – Girls won’t think you’re involved in a hideous human trafficking ring when they see one of their own, free of bruises and clearly not on heroin, acting comfortably in your ranks.

Cons – You can’t stop trying to shag her. Plus one week a month she goes a bit mental.

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So there you go. Sorry if I've dashed any conceptions of friendships you may have but maybe you just need to be a better judge of character! I guess this shows why I don't have any friends!

Guide To Urban Exercise

Back again? Ever wanted that butch ass body but haven't got the time to commit to it? Read on! Tom's guide to urban exercise.

Urban Exercise: – Men’s Health ain’t got shit on me.



So apparently we’re living in an age of obesity. Fatties fucking everywhere, like. But don’t rush off and spunk your money and precious ‘porn-surfing’ time in gyms, swim pools or gipsy boxing rings; where you’ll be embarrassed by much stronger, fitter people lifting up cars, shirtless, while you struggle to open your locker.

Why take the risk anyway? If a place full of these fit bastards is targeted by bears, swarms of angry bees or gunmen who were bullied by salads, then you’ll be the one left behind, sweating, struggling for breath and very much in their firing line while the fitties marathon, triple jump and pole vault away.

Never fear, there are plenty of places at home or out and about on climbing frames and that where you can work on that killer six-pack and your dynamite pecs.

Arms



Drinking a pint – Muscles used – Biceps

We all need fluid to live, so why not combine drinking your lovely, delicious and well-earned pint with working out? If history has taught us anything it’s that women love big arms; Hercules, Arnie, Alex Reid; so sculpt those guns and the girls will be begging you to cover them in devil’s porridge.

Top Tip: Try two pints at once to keep balance and get twice as pissed! Go on, you deserve it.




Washing your hair – Muscles used – Triceps

Feel the burn while cleaning your already improving Adonis-like-body. Washing your hair not only cleans your barnet but can also improve your triceps (they’re biceps little brother that no one really cares about). Without strong triceps, your biceps will get too amazingly heavy and drag on floor like some absurd looking gorilla, so make sure your triceps are equally as bad ass as everywhere else.

Top Tip: Don’t forget to condition too. Strong hair plus strong triceps are a winning formula.




Grating cheese – Muscles used – Forearms

Vigorously grating some cheese not only burns off some calories but after completing your strenuous workout you can enjoy some delicious cheese. Not only can you enhance muscle definition, this exercise can also help ward off carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis, so there ya go! (THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE!)

Top Tip: There is another, handy exercise that utilises these muscles with rewarding benefits.

Body



Bringing shopping home – Muscles used – Deltoids

Yeah, those muscles in your shoulders that rugby players and wrestlers have. You can get them too just by lugging the heavy shopping home. A four pinter of milk or a ham shank are pretty much dumbbells so get lifting, lad! A couple of shrugs in an ‘I don’t give a shit’ fashion and you’ll have some slammin’ deltoids in no time!

Top Tip: Add some tins of ale for extra weight. You’ve earned them after this strenuous drill.




Chucking your guts up – Muscles used – Abs

When you throw up, your stomach muscles contract, pushing what’s in your stomach out your face! This is like a blinding workout and all you have to do is eat/drink loads and then not even have to worry about all the fat or sugar or quails eggs you’ve ingested. Why hasn’t anyone thought about this before?

Top Tip: Make sure you get all that bile out too! That’s stomach acid and why would you want acid in your belly?



I actually photoshop'ed this myself LOLOLOLOL

Bench press some food – Muscles used - Pecs

Flabby man boobs (or moobs as they are medically known) are the most single biggest turn-off in a man so prepare to carve them into Greek-statuesque proportions. A couple of reps bench pressing bananas or a French stick or anything that vaguely resembles a weight and you’ll lose those bitch-titties in no time!

Top Tip: Wait until you get home before getting started. People in the supermarket might complain seeing you grunting on your back in the sausage aisle.





Take a shit – Muscles used – Kegel muscles

Who would have thought that this most basic need could build awesome muscles? But not only does building your kegel muscles continue your hardcore regime, they can also help improve sexual stamina and let’s face it, that can’t be a bad thing. With the pelvic floor muscles of a pornstar, you’ll be a sexual stallion.

Top Tip: Don’t forget to wipe your arse after this beast session/poo.

Legs



Walking up stairs – Muscles used – Quads

Don’t strain yourself too much. If you need to go further than two floors, take the lift or you’ll only end up doing damage. If the place doesn’t have a lift, get someone to give you a piggyback.

Top Tip: Take two at time if you’re feeling extra energetic.




Getting off the sofa – Muscles used – Quads

The batteries in the remote are gone so you have to bastarding-well stand up to change the channel. No worries, just incorporate it into your awesome regime! Every time you need to turn Jeremy Kyle over from Gilmore Girls just crunch dem quads. For extra hard work (if you’re up for it), do it on the way down too.

Top Tip: They’re called quads cos’ there’s four of them so once you’ve done it four times you’re pretty much set.

Cardio



Running for the bus

We all hate running but sometimes it’s unavoidable. But legging it for the bus definitely counts as exercise and if you miss it you have to walk home so that’s twice as much work. Once you’re fast enough to make the bus you are officially fit and will never have to run again.

Top Tip: Make sure you swear at the driver if you miss the bus. It’s absolutely his fault! The twat.




Getting chased by yoofs

If some bigger boy wants your phone, don’t give it him. Just leg it. The extra incentive to keep going will be knowing you’ve really wound him up. Instead of a condescending slap on the cheek, you’ll probably get a full on shit-kicking or maybe even become a statistic of knife crime.

Top Tip: Fight back! Boxing and physical activity are great cardio workouts. If you die in the resulting fight, I can’t be held responsible (I said run away like a girl).




Mosh!

Listen to some awesome bands at a gig, skanky bedroom or champagne bar and have a good ol’ mosh! Work up a sweat and you’ll feel incredible! Plus you get to listen to some bangin’ choonz! Result!

Top Tip: Extra arm rotations will get those the muscle fibres going, so have a windmill! The windmillier the better!

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Mission complete. Do you feel better now? If you've used this exercise routine and found it beneficial please send over some (naked) snaps to prove it. Fuck 5 a day, fuck Weightwatchers and get on this.

Guide To The Bus

Tom's inflammatory guide to life is back. With a slightly less offensive but no less incendiary Tom's Guide to The Bus. We all no and hate the bus, Maggie Thatcher famously said if you ride a bus and you're over 30, then you're a failure. What did that stuck up tory bitch know, right? But seriously, the bus sucks and stinks of piss.

Read this.




The Bus



Despite the constant threat of ticket price rises, cancellations because someone urinated on the driver and Tyrannosaurus-rex attacks, you decided to rely on public transport. Not only do you travel in the yo-yoing temperatures of sub-Saharan heat and Antarctic winters or aggressive driving techniques, you also have the pleasure of riding with the most ragtag group of travelling companions since the cast of Lord of the Rings and Fear in Loathing crossed paths (just outside of Moria, I believe). Riding on the bus could almost be like a cool, sexy action film, except the only boners you’ll be getting are from the vibrations.




The Driver
Apart from the single minded desire of knocking down at least 3 cyclists a day, this poor guy has little to look forward to. While he receives no respect from the carousel of oddball passenger, your no-frills chauffeur would love nothing more than to pretend this was the bus from Speed, crashing through cars, jumping bridges. His reality is making the next bus stop that’s 3 minutes away in 2.20, narrating clever catchphrases in his head (before time runs out) in a gruff American voice.

Most likely to say: Get the fuck out of my cunting, twatting way, you shit. Fucksticks.




The Scallywag
Considerately sprawls across the entire backseat to deprive pensioners, paraplegic war veterans and pregnant, blind, guide dog using asthmatics a seat. Insists on playing shitty techno music through their Nokia 3310 (retro motherfucker) and swearing at ambulances through the back window. The scallywag likes to leave their mark with a sharpie tag of their name, chewing gum on the bottom of the seat while the more socially aware leave a nice gozz.

Most likely to say: What the fuck are you looking at, Goff?




The Old Dears
After a hard day shopping in town for ornaments, cat food and prune juice, the two old dears at the front animatedly talk about their favourite settings on a rampant rabbit or how they would like a ‘big, strong black man’ to replace their recently deceased husband. You awkwardly catch their eye and without shame, they kindly smile back, sickeningly reminding you of your lovely, 80 year old Nanna.

Most likely to say: Ooh, young man!




The Bag Head
The bag head balances the journey trying to fish 20p from between the seats with the pained expression of someone attempting spinal surgery through binoculars and the other half grunting, spitting and swearing at no one in particular. With an oversized jacket and lank, greasy hair she is surrounded by an odour so thick it’s visible. The rumours that she chose this life over the Parisian art scene, just to spite her abusive father, remain unsubstantiated.

Most likely to say: Mwur Saacha Pitck (loosely translated to a haunting beautiful Nordic haiku)




The Germy Sneezer
With a sweaty complexion and a packet of Kleenex handy, the germy sneezer generously shares his ailments with everyone in an indiscriminate manner. Whether hacking greenies forth or sneezing vigorously into the hair of the person in front of him, this Lemsip-addled motherfucker looks like he’s ready to pass out and should probably be quarantined, never mind go to work.

Most likely to say: No, I’ve been to the doctor, it’s definitely not contagious (before his arm falls off).




The Man who’s car is in the Shop
He curses the senile fool who pranged his Astra, protectively clutching his briefcase as though it contains the Ark of the Covenant. Looks both visibly annoyed and scared when anyone sits down next to him and practically runs off the bus at his stop, smoothing the creases and unfathomable stains from his Matalan suit.

Most likely to say: No you can’t sit here, this seat’s for my bag.




Breast-feeding mother
With nipples resembling digestive biscuits and oblivious to all social norms and laws of decency, this not-so-yummy-mummy just whips a titty out in full public view to feed her screaming spawn. Everyone looks away embarrassed apart from a strange staring man next to her, repeatedly rubbing his thighs, drooling. You can’t help taking a quick glance but instantly regret it.

Most likely to say: Breast is best!




Hysterical girl on phone
One minute she’s quietly chatting away, the next she’s screaming like a banshee who trod on a plug, threatening to leave his clothes in boxes on the driveway, flush his guitar down the bog and set his guinea pig on fire. After hastily backtracking, begging for forgiveness and a few quick ‘I love you babes,’ she’s off again at a million miles an hour with warnings to watch his and his mums backs.

Most likely to say: Lusquishiana, it’s Rhianadonna, Dave just broke up with me. His dick's proper tiny and he’s shit in bed. SPREAD IT!




Stupid Tourist
This annoyingly chirpy holidaymaker maybe contributing to our economy but they’re definitely holding our day up. Defying all notions of a pre-pay ticket system, she roots through her bumbag (I know, seriously?) checking every single penny, oblivious the line of angry people behind her.

Most likely to say: So this is 50p? Your money sure is crazy!




The Ogling Pervert
Makes seedy advances towards every member of the opposite sex with winks, wolf whistles and grabbing his crotch à la some depraved Michael Jackson (and he was such a wholesome fella). Like some greasy haired snake he sidles over to one victim and begins demanding phone numbers, house keys and potential threesomes with other female travellers. You think about having a word but he looks like a canal-side murderer and you’re a massive wuss.

Most likely to say: A bus related chat-up line, maybe: Hey there diamond eyes, I felt some sexual tension. Maybe you can press my button, but don’t worry, I won’t stop.




Dirty Stopout
Nothing says ‘I was out fucking last night’ like high heels, unwashed club stamps on the back of a hand and an odour of sweat and shame at 10am. Makeup’s smeared, a sock’s missing and everyone’s staring but she doesn’t care. Heels in hand, she just chows down her Gingsters, aiming to get home before her boyfriend finishes his night shift.

Most likely to say: I’m just making an effort to go to the shops.




The girl of your dreams
She gets on the bus wreathed by nymphs and trumpeting angels, walks in slow motion and smells like cake. The reason she sits next to you is not because she’s attracted to you, you’re merely the closest thing to a normal person on here. And that smile she flashes you is simply a ‘what the fuck are you looking at, freak?’ while she counts down the minutes to get away from you.

Most likely to say: Excuse me (to your incredulous surprise), your boner is jabbing me.


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So, there you go. Have you seen these people? I mean outside of crime watch? Let me know if I've missed anyone!

Guide To Weddings

A while back I wrote a few features for magazines and sent them away. Heard nothing back so thought I'd post them up here in a new feature for this blog called...

Tom's Guide To Life

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

I wrote these for magazines like FRONT so as you'd expect there's a host of profanity as well as casual references to unprotected sex and excessive class A drug use. I really can't stress enough that if these AWESOME things upset you, you won't want to read this post.

Also, I have edited these since sending them. I'm not quite egotistical enough to send national magazines pieces entitled Tom's Guide To Life. Don't hate.

Tom's Guide To - Weddings

It is most definitely wedding season. Up and down the land, people were caught up with the friskiness of Spring; drinking al fresco, blowing dandelions and saying fuck it to a jonny, I’m riding bareback!

And instead of shamefully bringing up any bastardized offspring into this cesspit of a world, already full of crack-whores, Colombian drug cartels and violent meerkat gangs, the lucky girl’s dad screamed SHOTGUN WEDDING. And guess what? We’re all invited!



1. The Service

No longer is church a place where you have to sit still, do up your top button or listen to the vicar. Nowadays you can crank your iPod to 11, heckle the service (does anybody see fit to why these two shouldn’t be joined? Be THAT guy) and say ‘fuck the top button, I’m not even wearing a tie!’

Extra points – Tell obscene jokes to the vicar and jest him with tales of the bride’s infidelity. He’ll get it, the child molesting old bastard.



2. The Middle bit
You’ve been to the church, given the photographer directions to somewhere else (just to be super helpful), now’s the time to get stuck into as much free shit as you can. If there’s a free bar, chances are it won’t last all night so order at least 10-15 cold ones as soon as you get there. Buffet? You need to get to the front of that fucker even if it means taking out the bride, flower girls or grandma Jean and her UV drip. You’re gonna need some stamina to keep going all night and the Iceland chicken drummers and sausage rolls should do the trick.

Extra points – Tell the venue owner the bride’s family are Gipsies and they should think about getting the car park cleared before the caravans arrive.



3. The Party
The brides about the throw the bouquet? Catch that fucker and run like the wind. What’s the worst that could happen? You can sheepishly give it to the girl you think’s the fittest. The best? Getting crushed beneath several desperately single women in low cut dresses.

Everyone loves a good knees up and if any film I've seen ever is to go by, women are at least 8 times hornier at a wedding. If the venue is an elaborate mansion, take her to a flash bedroom in the east wing. If it’s a pub the bride’s uncle owns, take her out round the bins.

Extra points – Bridesmaids. You end up with one of these and you’re practically part of the family. Just make sure she’s over 18, you sick fuck!

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The Guests


I wanted RED napkins. CALL THE FUCKING THING OFF. HE'S A USELESS CUNT!

The Bride – Seriously, you want to have fun and everything, but don’t cross this bitch! Even though she’s stealing your friend it’s advisable to keep as far out of her way as possible. Sure, she seemed friendly enough when you took over your amazing gift you got from the petrol station on the way from the church, but this is her day and if it was up to her, your seat would have gone to someone else.


I hope she's ok with the red napkins...

The Groom – Poor fella, he keeps a brave face but lets her do most of the talking (I suppose he better get ready for married life). He wants to join you outside for a beer but she’s already dragging him off to meet up great-aunt Mabel to check if her colostomy bag needs changing and say thank you for the blender he'll never use. Between his wife, his proud parents and that tit-of-a-best man, he’s too busy for you.


Which strapping young man is going to dance with me? I've checked with the husband, the threesome's on!

Mother-of-the-bride – She’s probably wearing a ridiculous hat, had a few strong brandies and is dancing too proactively for a woman of her age but that’s not an excuse to try and shag her. Even if she says she remembers you coming over when you were little and eating out of her biscuit tin, that’s not a euphemism.


Pack it in, lads. We're all having a good time here but if you wreck my daughters day I'll cut your fucking head off!

Father-of-the-bride – Red face, angry expression and neck veins pulsing, this is one angry dad. Not only has he lost his little girl to some twat who, the night before woke up in a skip, covered in vomit with a strippers minge on his elbow. Now he has to deal with all you fuckers shaking his hand and patting his shoulder basically saying ‘congrats, your daughters going abroad to get fucked every day for two weeks’. He remembers when you put that footie through his greenhouse and he sees the way you look at his wife.


I love you Gary, I do! Run away with me like we promised. Please, Gary! PLEASE!

Best Man – A complete sack of shit, acting like it’s a funeral because he’s lost his best friend, the pussy. He was acting a right chief at the stag do, making you all dress up in stupid shit and he’s at it again on the day. His speech was shit and full of inside jokes you didn’t get. You just hope he gets so drunk he’ll start verbally abusing the bride.


Lads...

Bridesmaids – Will have been put in a shitty dress to make the bride look better so will be doing everything they can to steal her thunder. Bridesmaids are at least 4 times hotter just for being bridesmaids (Maid of Honour is 8 times) and there is extra kudos if you bed one of these than some run of the mill fitty.


Right boys, you know the drill. Now who's gonna take a shit on the wedding cake?

Ushers – Trusted enough to have been given responsibility but will be scorned that they weren’t asked to be best man. These lads will also be up to no good. You’re on the same page when it comes to free shit and the ladies so work like the wolfpack you are!


I've had three J20's and I'm smashed!

The 15 year old brother – Give the kid a break, he’s been drinking champagne all day, he thinks he can dance and he’s trying it on with a slammin’ hotty. You’ve already built up that layer of trust and he’s thinks you’re a dude from that one time you played X-Box with him. All that’s left is to teach him your wisdom of women and tell him it’s his round over and over again.


I just want to eat sugar!

Little Kids – There’s always kids at a wedding, scurrying around like vermin underneath tables. But these anklebiters can have their uses. If there’s anything that’s too outrageous even for you, you can bribe a small child with cake, alcohol or something else their mum said they weren’t allowed to have and command them to do your evil handiwork. May I suggest a cocktail sausage through the fly? Comedy gold!