Find out what happened when I wanted a free Kit Kat

Since my Emails to the FA and Olympics went down such a storm, here is another example of me harassing hardworking people because I was bored and unemployed.

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I'll just get started with the emails, they put more eloquently into words more undying love for Kit Kat Chunky Peanut Butter.




For which I received two replies!



And then again the even better...

 

Now, I don't know who's in charge of Nestle's customer service but they seriously need to keep track of themselves and I ended up with twice as many Kit Kats, not that I'm complaining.

I also received a third reply but it was so boringly corporate and unimaginative that I couldn't be bothered putting up the picture. Seriously it sounds like it was written by an old dinner lady and didn't once bring up the topic of free Kit Kats the miserable old bitch!

Anyway, I replied quickly to both of these emails and generally played it cool. You know me...




Anyway, it was the second reply that interested me most, the so called 'box' of Kit Kats, I could have feasted my way to an early coronary or even better, I later learned that during the Challenge, boxes of Peanut Butter Kit Kats were being sold on E-Bay for upwards of £220.

Nestle were in regular contact with me over the next few days, organising a courier to bring my box over.

I'm going to break away from normal tradition and let Internet memes take over to display my surprise on arrival of my box. Or 'box.'






Wow...

This is not what I thought you meant when you said 'a box of Kit Kats.'

Cheers Nestle.........

So in the end I only got 4 Kit Kats (as the lady from the first email sent a bag of 3) but my journey wasn't finished there... Oh no...

If you remember from the first email I used my incredibly funny and inventive brain to come up with some slogans?

Well I was later asked by a company called The Big Kick (the advertising agency for Nestle) to come in and help thrash out ideas for another promotion. And they paid me a cool £100 per day and gave me a Kit Kat. Oh yeah!

Hey Nestle, you keep chopping down the rainforest and slitting Orang-utan's throats. You keep paying me that money and I'm your guy!




There's the money-shot.

What Really Grinds My Gears #2

After the mass popularity of my last grinds my gears segment in which I massed a total of one reply, it's time so a second instalment!

Do you know what really grinds my gears?




"I'm just going to nip out for a fag"
Smokers taking loads of breaks
We all love taking a break in work, me more than most, but at the same time when it really comes down to a hard, busy shift, I get stuck in and work my arse off. What a legend! At the same time, getting a sneaky half hour break does come as a welcome relief, busy or not.
So why then, in the eyes of society, does a person who smokes get to take the piss and take 4-5 fag breaks during a busy shift? Why do they get more time to relax than a non-smoker life myself? This doesn't seem fair.
A smoker would challenge this by saying something ridiculous like, "I need a cigarette to work properly." Fuck you, you don't 'need' one, you 'want' one. Ok, nicotine addiction is both physical and mental but I think even the most hardened of 'users' for lack of a better word can manage to work an hour without needing a cigarette. If not, you got a problem buddy.
And why is someone who is addicted to a nicotine allowed to pursue their own recreational habit when someone else isn't? If I was a recreational cocaine user would I be given the same 5 minutes free to take a sneaky line of the cistern in the gents? In a less extreme version, can you imagine the look of horror on a customers face is you cracked a can of lager, downed it in 5 minutes and went back to doing your job? Why doesn't the sight of a member of a workplace receive the same interest if they are smoking?


In some jobs I've been given the opportunity to take 5 minutes here and there to get a bit of fresh air, but only because I've asked. In other places I've been given a look of complete bemusement as if I'm trying to make a hilarious joke. What, you're serious?! 
This isn't a blog to have a go at smokers (mate fill your boots, enjoy it), or even at those who take a fag break (except the ones who really do take the piss, have a chat, read the newspaper). Why do workplaces allow freedoms to smokers that are deprived to those who don't smoke? Discuss

Find out what happened when I challenged for Olympic Gold

I'd remained sceptical about the forthcoming London Olympics for a number of reasons. I think the astronomical cost of all the new infrastructure and other amenities will far outweigh the tourism and sponsorship booms that may result from it. The fact that we're still relying on Indonesian children sewing our Olympic merchandise, when there are children in Leeds ripe for exploitation shows how we are still to heavily dependent on pinching pennies. In all seriousness, that an American company was chosen to print all the Olympic tickets over the multitude of printing businesses on our own shores shows how the organisers could care less about boosting the British economy.

Oh, and that shirt in the picture gave me a blister while I was playing volleyball! The child labourers of the grim North would never have let something as serious as jogger's nipple past their screening.

The Olympics isn't supposed to be about money, it's about the athletes. Anyone can be an achieve their goals if they really set their mind to it, especially in the Western World, where AIDS, starvation and an eight year old with an AK-47 won't ruin a good training montage.

With this in mind, I approached the board of Olympics with an offer they could not refuse (spoiler alert: they did).

To which I received what I feel was a very prompt and warm reply from the British Olympics Association.

Note the very sincere 'best of luck' quote.

Not to be perturbed I sent the same email to the Football Association and after waiting for ages they sent me this very curt message.

Hm... it's a bit corporate and doesn't really explain how Andy Carroll made the Euro squad but at least they offered some critical advice which I undoubtedly took and replied with this.

Only to receive this reply.

I mean come on, the miserable bastards. You would of thought the FA could take a joke, after all, just look at their recent spending strategy with Capello.

After this break away I didn't respond. I felt let down by my own nation and felt the Olympics would be better off without me. Maybe I wasn't ever meant to show the world my unbelievable tekkers. The dreams of a nation may have fallen on one man's shoulders, a true underdog story, played out over 90 minutes. Instead they were cruelly cast aside by the big boy bullies at the FA.

Still, I'll only be 29 when the next Olympics come around, the prime for a footballer, so will try again then and hopefully have an Olympic gold medal to show to strangers on the bus and put above the fireplace between the Technology Award I won in year 6 (and never gave back) and the photo of me and Bepe from Eastenders.

Roy Hodgson and England - Time for a change?

With Roy Hodgson now at the reins for England, can the fans expect a change ahead of Euro 2012?

With so little time to experiment before the tournament, I suspect not. Fabio Capello, in a bid to rejuvenate the squad that had capitulated in South Africa, had given chances to youngsters such as Tom Cleverley and Adam Johnson, as well as unsung players who deserved their chance, such as Bobby Zamora and Scott Parker.

This will be the first time I can remember England going into a major tournament where the press aren't expecting the to Three Lions triumph (although I'm sure a large portion of the media will jump on the England bandwagon closer to the time) and this could be exactly what England need.

People have said that Roy Hodgson brings the best out of mediocre players and does not have the experience managing bigger superstars. At the end of the day, this is what the England team currently are and maybe Hodgson is the perfect candidate. Maybe not for the long-term, but to help England through a respectable European Championship and guide them to the World Cup in Brazil, blooding in the raw, young talent that could potentially grow into a fantastic team.

Critics feel that under Hodgson, like Capello, England will play 'boring' football. With the current crop of players, especially in midfield who have a knack at retaining the ball and soaking up pressure, I feel this may be just what England need. Add to this the explosive speed of the wingers like Theo Walcott, Aaron Lennon and Ashley Young to launch counter attacks, which will be especially important while without Rooney for the first two games, who Hodgson has said will definitely be in his squad.

I propose England play a 4-3-2-1 formation, utilising a steady, 3-man midfield and wingers playing high up the park, supporting a lone striker. This will be tricky without Rooney and the squad I believe should be on the plane for Poland/Ukraine does not include another striker quite like the Man United hit-man.

Have a look at my squad of 23 players. With two games of the season remaining, injuries may change this list.

I feel between the sticks is a no brainer. A position that would have once been a headache of an England manager is well and truly sorted with Joe Hart thoroughly establishing himself as England's No. 1. The Manchester City stopper is one of England's few world class players and an easy pick. With Hodgson at the helm, I believe Ben Foster will end his self-imposed exile and return to the England fold after proving himself to be a very capable goalkeeper over the last two seasons. The wealth of options for third choice goalie, who will only appear if the very worst of injuries occur, would be Scott Carson. While I haven't kept up with Bursaspor's form this season he has been named in the past few England squads and has possibly done more than John Ruddy or Robert Green to earn his place.

Defence will be tricky. As much as John Terry and the very public racial allegations continue to haunt him, he is still my first choice centreback for England, however, not wearing the captain's armband. I feel Rio Ferdinand's end of season form and vast experience also earns him a call-up but I feel Terry's Chelsea partner, Gary Cahill will be the preferred option at the back. Whether Rio and Terry will see eye-to-eye is still a very concerning debate. My final centreback place goes to Manchester City's Joleon Lescott who has been overlooked in the past but has looked confident and assured throughout the season. Manchester United's young duo Phil Jones and Chris Smalling have both tailed away in the latter half of the season, while Michael Dawson and Ledley King have failed to rediscover form after injuries. Phil Jagielka still does not look comfortable in an England shirt.

Ashley Cole still retains his place at left back and Tottenham's Kyle Walker just gets the nod ahead of Micah Richards for the first choice right back position. Richards is still deserving of a place in the squad and can also fill in a centre back if necessary. Leighton Baines would be my backup left back and I doubt there are many that could argue with these selections. The form of Newcastle's Danny Simpson earns him an honourable mention but not a place on the team, while Glen Johnson has had a poor season with Liverpool.

The England midfield has been a bone of contention for many years. Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard cannot play together in midfield but both make the cut. Lampard's form this season has been solid, if unspectacular. Gerrard just makes the team as I feel it would be good for the younger players to have Liverpool skipper in the squad. It will be a selection headache for Hodgson and I have picked Gerrard ahead James Milner. This was a tough choice as Milner's versatility is a strong part of his game but Gerrard is still a very capable player and can offer England different options while maybe not over a full 90 minutes. I have given other central midfield berths to Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick and my England captain, Scott Parker. Both Barry and Carrick have had great seasons and I feel it would be a disgrace if Carrick was not selected. Injuries to Jack Wilshere and Jack Rodwell rule them out, while Tom Cleverley has not played enough games to merit a place. I do feel all three of these players will have a large part to play in England's future.

I feel it will be on the flanks England have their best chance of achieving success. Despite his inconsistencies, I have selected Theo Walcott who just gets the nod ahead of his Arsenal team-mate Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who is still too raw and inexperienced for a big tournament. Tottenham's Aaron Lennon can operate on either wing but I feel Ashley Young would be a better starter, bringing Lennon on as a substitute to wear down weary opponents. There is no room in the squad for Stewart Downing or Adam Johnson while Scott Sinclair and Matt Jarvis deserve to be mentioned for consideration.

With Wayne Rooney missing the first two games, my 4-3-2-1 formation suffers but I still feel it can work. Danny Welbeck has led the line at times for Manchester United, while Rooney drops back, and has done it effectively so he gets the nod up front until Rooney returns. Peter Crouch has been in sterling form for Stoke this season and should be used as an impact substitution to turn a tie if time is running out. My final place goes to Chelsea's pacey forward, Daniel Sturridge who can also play in the advanced winger role as he does for the Blues. I would have loved to include Grant Holt in this selection as his Premier League performances this season have earned him a call-up. However, it would be reckless of Hodgson to include him in his final squad but I feel he should be given a chance to prove himself in the upcoming friendlies against Norway and Belgium. Jermain Defoe has never impressed me for England but could get the nod ahead of either Sturridge or Welbeck to counter the Rooney issue while Darren Bent's decision to rule himself out of Aston Villa's remaining ties, on the brink of relegation, to focus on the Euro's is disgraceful. Bobby Zamora has not had a great season while Swansea's Danny Graham is not good enough at the top level. Talk of Andy Carroll's inclusion in the squad is laughable.

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My team is interchangeable, with Gerrard able to come in for Lampard, Barry for Carrick, Ferdinand for Cahill etc. Rooney's inclusion is based on his return from suspension, with Welbeck or Crouch leading the line until then.



Joe Hart

             Kyle Waker    John Terry    Gary Cahill    Ashley Cole

                  Scott Parker     Frank Lampard   Michael Carrick

                         Theo Walcott                   Ashley Young

Wayne Rooney

While I feel that this team is not hugely different to the one that disappointed in South Africa and reverting to many of the 'Golden Generation' may seem negative, I feel England should mix youth with experience and hopefully for fans, impress at a tournament where they are expected to fail.

Would you change anyone in this squad?

1. Joe Hart

2. Kyle Walker

3. Ashley Cole

4. Steven Gerrard

5. Rio Ferdinand

6. John Terry

7. Scott Parker

8. Frank Lampard

9. Wayne Rooney

10. Peter Crouch

11. Ashley Young

12. Micah Richards

13. Ben Foster

14. Theo Walcott

15. Gary Cahill

16. Michael Carrick

17. Leighton Baines

18. Daniel Sturridge

19. Gareth Barry

20. Aaron Lennon

21. Danny Welbeck

22. Joleon Lescott

23. Scott Carson

Man Utd youth development

Despite young midfield starlet Paul Pogba recently signing a new deal at for The Red Devils, Manchester United lost Ravel Morrison earlier this year (although his departure from Old Trafford is more complex than it seems) leading many to suggest Man Utd have failed to reporduce and retain the successes from the now revered 'Class of '92.' A stellar group of players that included David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Nicky Butt, Gary Neville, Phil Neville and even Robbie Savage!! They soon joined the squad with two other Manchester United youth products Ryan Giggs and Lee Sharpe.

While the Morrison and Pogba situation seemed to rock the defending champions and with Danny Welbeck and young defender Ezekiel Fryers also seemingly holding out on contracts, many have pointed fingers at Manchester United's academy for having failed to reproduce the quality of the 'Class of '92.' Despite this Darren Fletcher, Jonny Evans and the recently departed John O'Shea and Wes Brown have all had solid careers since making the step up from the academy. While none of these are the superstars some would expect, they are strong squad players in a team known more for it's team spirit than individual performances.

However, these are not the only graduates at Old Trafford and the Premier League and European football is littered with former academy prospects who have established themselves with their respected clubs. Let's have a look at a few of them.



Chris Eagles
Club: Bolton Wanderers
Tom's accurate valuation: £3,500,000

Eagles left Old Trafford in 2008 after several loan spells with Watford (twice), Sheffield Wednesday and NEC Nijmegen in Holland. The English midfielder featured sparingly in the Premier League but was among the scorers in the 4-2 victory over Everton in 2007, helping secure United the title. It was reported that Sir Alex Ferguson had inserted a buy-back clause in Eagles' contract when he was sold to Burnley, over fears of the inconsistencies of Nani and the possible departure of Cristiano Ronaldo. The clause was never exercised and Eagles remained at Burnley until he joined his former manager manager, Owen Coyle, upon his £3 million transfer to Bolton at the beginning of this season.



Danny Simpson
Club: Newcastle United
Tom's accurate valuation: £4,000,000

Simpson never got much of an opportunity at Old Trafford as Gary Neville, Wes Brown and John O'Shea and later Fabio and Rafael were all above him in the pecking order. He only made 3 Premier League appearances in a period that also saw him go on loan to several Premier League clubs, including Sunderland, Blackburn and Newcastle, the latter made permanent in the January transfer window in a deal rumoured to be around £750,000. He was hugely impressive in Newcastle's promotion from the Championship and has continued his good form since their return to the Premier League. He is currently enjoying his finest season yet and has started every game. The form of Kyle Walker and Glen Johnson mean that is unlikely he will receive a call-up for Euro 2012 but there is still time in the season and injuries may account for surprises.



David Jones
Club: Wigan Athletic
Tom's accurate valuation: £1,000,000

An exceptionally impressive loan at NEC Nijmegen saw Jones sign a new contract at Old Trafford upon his return. However, the arrival of Michael Carrick saw his first team opportunities limited. After an initial loan spell, Jones joined Derby County for £1,000,000 where he enjoyed a promising start which sparked Sir Alex Ferguson to suggest he'd sold Jones to cheaply. His momentum at Derby began to dip and he rarely featured in their dismal Premier League campaign in 2008. He moved to Wolves in 2008 for a reported £1.25 million where he remained until joining Wigan Athletic at the beginning of this season after his contract expired at the Midlands club.



Fraizer Campbell
Club: Sunderland
Tom's accurate valuation: £2,000,000

Fraizer Campbell has had a torrid time with injuries over the past three seasons and has only managed 38 appearances for Sunderland since joining in 2009. The young forward was thrust into the limelight after a hugely successful season in the Championship with Hull City, scoring 15 goals. Following Hull's promotion to the Premier League they made a £7 million offer (a club record) for Campbell who opted to join Tottenham on loan as part of the deal for Dimitar Berbatov. He was rarely used at Spurs and turned down another offer from Hull at the end of the season. Campbell joined Sunderland for £3.5 million (possibly rising to £6 million) in 2009 but successive anterior cruciate ligament injuries have blighted his time on Wearside. Since his return in early 2012 he has netted twice and even received a call up for England's friendly against Holland. His approximate value has suffered due to his injuries.



Gerard Pique
Club: Barcelona
Tom's accurate valuation: £27,500,000 (€50,000,000 release clause)

Many regard Ferguson allowing Pique to leave Manchester United as a huge mistake but to the manger's credit, Pique looked shaky in the Premier League. Barcelona paid £5 million for the services of the centre back who had been loaned to Real Zaragoza the season before. Much like Francesc Fabregas, Pique always desired to return to Barcelona and with Jonny Evans showing more potential at the time, Ferguson allowed the Spaniard to return to his Catalan beginnings. However, the statistics speak for themselves and two Champions League medals and a World Cup winners medal suggest he Pique looked back. Some have remarked that Pique's role at centre back is much easier behind a midfield of Xavi, Fabregas and Iniesta who rarely loose the ball. Pique quickly took his opportunities at Barcelona and has forged a strong partnership with Carles Puyol.



Giuseppe Rossi
Club: Villarreal
Tom's accurate valuation: £35,000,000

Rossi has become a smash hit in Spain since his move from Manchester and has consistently been linked with moves to Real Madrid, Internazionale and Barcelona. Despite his relative success at Old Trafford, it would have been near impossible for Rossi to reach his peak had he stayed in Manchester. With Wayne Rooney, Louis Saha, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Cristiano Ronaldo and later Carlos Tevez all above Rossi in the Old Trafford pecking order, his development would have been significantly stunted. Rumours of a buy-back clause are apparently untrue and it remains to be seen whether he will stay at El Madrigal next season. A cruciate ligament has curtailed his 2012 and may see him ruled out of Italy's Euro 2012 squad.



Kieran Richardson
Club: Sunderland
Tom's accurate valuation: £6,000,000

Richardson joined Sunderland in 2007 for £5,500,000 after making 41 league appearances for The Red Devils. He was disliked by many of the Old Trafford faithful for his attitude that was at times questionable. He broke into the first team after a successful loan spell at Bryan Robson's West Brom which saw them avoid relegation. These impressive displays were later rewarded with his first England cap in which he scored a brace against the USA. On his return to Old Trafford he did have some good games for Utd in his favoured left wing position but also deputising Gabriel Heinze at left back. At Sunderland, he has played in both of these positions as well as a support striker. Under Martin O'Neill, Richardson has performed well and helped propel Sunderland up the table.



Phil Bardsley
Club: Sunderland
Tom's accurate valuation: £3,500,000

Bardsley could only manage 8 league appearances for United after his step up from the academy, where he had been since the age of 8. An own goal against Southampton in one of his first games set up a succession of loan spells Royal Antwerp, Burnley, Glasgow Rangers, Aston Villa and Sheffield United before a move to Sunderland for approximately £850,000. Last season he scored 3 league goals, all long range efforts as he continues to battle with former United players, John O'Shea, Wes Brown, Kieran Richardson as well as Wayne Bridge for position of full back.



Ryan Shawcross
Club: Stoke City
Tom's accurate valuation:£12,000,000

Shawcross never managed a Premier League game for Manchester United but has become a first team starter for Stoke since his £2,000,000 move in 2008. Sir Alex Ferguson insisted in a first refusal clause in Shawcross's contract who is now captain of the Potters. Stoke have established themselves as Premier League regulars since their promotion from the Championship and Shawcross has been an ever present feature. The defender is eligible to play for both England and Wales but has not featured for either team at a senior level.



Sylvan Ebanks-Blake
Club: Wolves
Tom's accurate valuation:£2,000,000

An injury while playing for the Man Utd reserves saw Ebanks-Blake fracture his leg, stunting his development and despite never featuring in the Premier League he was named as a substitute for several Champions League games. An impressive loan spell at Royal Antwerp paved the way for a £300,000 move to Plymouth where he was a fan favourite scoring 21 goals in a season and a half. A move to Wolves, where his impressive scoring rate continued, led to him receiving the Championship Golden Boot in 2009. Since Wolves' return to the Premier League Ebanks-Blake has struggled to maintain a first team berth thanks to the potentially lethal strike duo of Steven Fletcher and Kevin Doyle and has only scored a single goal this campaign.

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To suggest that Manchester United's youth program is failing is incorrect. The 'Class of '92' was an anomaly that is rarely seen. Barcelona's current crop of players could also be called an anomaly. Leo Messi, Francesc Fabregas, Pedro, Sergio Busquets and Gerard Pique have all come from similar age groups but this kind of crop rarely appears.

There are several other former Manchester United academy products have secured Premier League or Championship clubs, such as.

Darron Gibson - Everton
Danny Higginbotham - Stoke
Jonathan Spector - Birmingham
Lee Martin - Ipswich Town
Craig Cathcart - Blackpool
David Gray - Preston North End
Paul McShane - Hull City

Man Utd's current academy boasts more players. Tom Cleverly has recently made the step up with Danny Welbeck while Pogba, Fryers and Ryan Tunnicliffe are expected to make a significant impact in the next few seasons.