Tom's inflammatory guide to life is back. With a slightly less offensive but no less incendiary Tom's Guide to The Bus. We all no and hate the bus, Maggie Thatcher famously said if you ride a bus and you're over 30, then you're a failure. What did that stuck up tory bitch know, right? But seriously, the bus sucks and stinks of piss.
Read this.
The Bus
Despite the constant threat of ticket price rises, cancellations because someone urinated on the driver and Tyrannosaurus-rex attacks, you decided to rely on public transport. Not only do you travel in the yo-yoing temperatures of sub-Saharan heat and Antarctic winters or aggressive driving techniques, you also have the pleasure of riding with the most ragtag group of travelling companions since the cast of Lord of the Rings and Fear in Loathing crossed paths (just outside of Moria, I believe). Riding on the bus could almost be like a cool, sexy action film, except the only boners you’ll be getting are from the vibrations.
The Driver
Apart from the single minded desire of knocking down at least 3 cyclists a day, this poor guy has little to look forward to. While he receives no respect from the carousel of oddball passenger, your no-frills chauffeur would love nothing more than to pretend this was the bus from Speed, crashing through cars, jumping bridges. His reality is making the next bus stop that’s 3 minutes away in 2.20, narrating clever catchphrases in his head (before time runs out) in a gruff American voice.
Most likely to say: Get the fuck out of my cunting, twatting way, you shit. Fucksticks.
The Scallywag
Considerately sprawls across the entire backseat to deprive pensioners, paraplegic war veterans and pregnant, blind, guide dog using asthmatics a seat. Insists on playing shitty techno music through their Nokia 3310 (retro motherfucker) and swearing at ambulances through the back window. The scallywag likes to leave their mark with a sharpie tag of their name, chewing gum on the bottom of the seat while the more socially aware leave a nice gozz.
Most likely to say: What the fuck are you looking at, Goff?
The Old Dears
After a hard day shopping in town for ornaments, cat food and prune juice, the two old dears at the front animatedly talk about their favourite settings on a rampant rabbit or how they would like a ‘big, strong black man’ to replace their recently deceased husband. You awkwardly catch their eye and without shame, they kindly smile back, sickeningly reminding you of your lovely, 80 year old Nanna.
Most likely to say: Ooh, young man!
The Bag Head
The bag head balances the journey trying to fish 20p from between the seats with the pained expression of someone attempting spinal surgery through binoculars and the other half grunting, spitting and swearing at no one in particular. With an oversized jacket and lank, greasy hair she is surrounded by an odour so thick it’s visible. The rumours that she chose this life over the Parisian art scene, just to spite her abusive father, remain unsubstantiated.
Most likely to say: Mwur Saacha Pitck (loosely translated to a haunting beautiful Nordic haiku)
The Germy Sneezer
With a sweaty complexion and a packet of Kleenex handy, the germy sneezer generously shares his ailments with everyone in an indiscriminate manner. Whether hacking greenies forth or sneezing vigorously into the hair of the person in front of him, this Lemsip-addled motherfucker looks like he’s ready to pass out and should probably be quarantined, never mind go to work.
Most likely to say: No, I’ve been to the doctor, it’s definitely not contagious (before his arm falls off).
The Man who’s car is in the Shop
He curses the senile fool who pranged his Astra, protectively clutching his briefcase as though it contains the Ark of the Covenant. Looks both visibly annoyed and scared when anyone sits down next to him and practically runs off the bus at his stop, smoothing the creases and unfathomable stains from his Matalan suit.
Most likely to say: No you can’t sit here, this seat’s for my bag.
Breast-feeding mother
With nipples resembling digestive biscuits and oblivious to all social norms and laws of decency, this not-so-yummy-mummy just whips a titty out in full public view to feed her screaming spawn. Everyone looks away embarrassed apart from a strange staring man next to her, repeatedly rubbing his thighs, drooling. You can’t help taking a quick glance but instantly regret it.
Most likely to say: Breast is best!
Hysterical girl on phone
One minute she’s quietly chatting away, the next she’s screaming like a banshee who trod on a plug, threatening to leave his clothes in boxes on the driveway, flush his guitar down the bog and set his guinea pig on fire. After hastily backtracking, begging for forgiveness and a few quick ‘I love you babes,’ she’s off again at a million miles an hour with warnings to watch his and his mums backs.
Most likely to say: Lusquishiana, it’s Rhianadonna, Dave just broke up with me. His dick's proper tiny and he’s shit in bed. SPREAD IT!
Stupid Tourist
This annoyingly chirpy holidaymaker maybe contributing to our economy but they’re definitely holding our day up. Defying all notions of a pre-pay ticket system, she roots through her bumbag (I know, seriously?) checking every single penny, oblivious the line of angry people behind her.
Most likely to say: So this is 50p? Your money sure is crazy!
The Ogling Pervert
Makes seedy advances towards every member of the opposite sex with winks, wolf whistles and grabbing his crotch à la some depraved Michael Jackson (and he was such a wholesome fella). Like some greasy haired snake he sidles over to one victim and begins demanding phone numbers, house keys and potential threesomes with other female travellers. You think about having a word but he looks like a canal-side murderer and you’re a massive wuss.
Most likely to say: A bus related chat-up line, maybe: Hey there diamond eyes, I felt some sexual tension. Maybe you can press my button, but don’t worry, I won’t stop.
Dirty Stopout
Nothing says ‘I was out fucking last night’ like high heels, unwashed club stamps on the back of a hand and an odour of sweat and shame at 10am. Makeup’s smeared, a sock’s missing and everyone’s staring but she doesn’t care. Heels in hand, she just chows down her Gingsters, aiming to get home before her boyfriend finishes his night shift.
Most likely to say: I’m just making an effort to go to the shops.
The girl of your dreams
She gets on the bus wreathed by nymphs and trumpeting angels, walks in slow motion and smells like cake. The reason she sits next to you is not because she’s attracted to you, you’re merely the closest thing to a normal person on here. And that smile she flashes you is simply a ‘what the fuck are you looking at, freak?’ while she counts down the minutes to get away from you.
Most likely to say: Excuse me (to your incredulous surprise), your boner is jabbing me.
---------------
So, there you go. Have you seen these people? I mean outside of crime watch? Let me know if I've missed anyone!
Read this.
Despite the constant threat of ticket price rises, cancellations because someone urinated on the driver and Tyrannosaurus-rex attacks, you decided to rely on public transport. Not only do you travel in the yo-yoing temperatures of sub-Saharan heat and Antarctic winters or aggressive driving techniques, you also have the pleasure of riding with the most ragtag group of travelling companions since the cast of Lord of the Rings and Fear in Loathing crossed paths (just outside of Moria, I believe). Riding on the bus could almost be like a cool, sexy action film, except the only boners you’ll be getting are from the vibrations.
The Driver
Apart from the single minded desire of knocking down at least 3 cyclists a day, this poor guy has little to look forward to. While he receives no respect from the carousel of oddball passenger, your no-frills chauffeur would love nothing more than to pretend this was the bus from Speed, crashing through cars, jumping bridges. His reality is making the next bus stop that’s 3 minutes away in 2.20, narrating clever catchphrases in his head (before time runs out) in a gruff American voice.
Most likely to say: Get the fuck out of my cunting, twatting way, you shit. Fucksticks.
The Scallywag
Considerately sprawls across the entire backseat to deprive pensioners, paraplegic war veterans and pregnant, blind, guide dog using asthmatics a seat. Insists on playing shitty techno music through their Nokia 3310 (retro motherfucker) and swearing at ambulances through the back window. The scallywag likes to leave their mark with a sharpie tag of their name, chewing gum on the bottom of the seat while the more socially aware leave a nice gozz.
Most likely to say: What the fuck are you looking at, Goff?
The Old Dears
After a hard day shopping in town for ornaments, cat food and prune juice, the two old dears at the front animatedly talk about their favourite settings on a rampant rabbit or how they would like a ‘big, strong black man’ to replace their recently deceased husband. You awkwardly catch their eye and without shame, they kindly smile back, sickeningly reminding you of your lovely, 80 year old Nanna.
Most likely to say: Ooh, young man!
The Bag Head
The bag head balances the journey trying to fish 20p from between the seats with the pained expression of someone attempting spinal surgery through binoculars and the other half grunting, spitting and swearing at no one in particular. With an oversized jacket and lank, greasy hair she is surrounded by an odour so thick it’s visible. The rumours that she chose this life over the Parisian art scene, just to spite her abusive father, remain unsubstantiated.
Most likely to say: Mwur Saacha Pitck (loosely translated to a haunting beautiful Nordic haiku)
The Germy Sneezer
With a sweaty complexion and a packet of Kleenex handy, the germy sneezer generously shares his ailments with everyone in an indiscriminate manner. Whether hacking greenies forth or sneezing vigorously into the hair of the person in front of him, this Lemsip-addled motherfucker looks like he’s ready to pass out and should probably be quarantined, never mind go to work.
Most likely to say: No, I’ve been to the doctor, it’s definitely not contagious (before his arm falls off).
The Man who’s car is in the Shop
He curses the senile fool who pranged his Astra, protectively clutching his briefcase as though it contains the Ark of the Covenant. Looks both visibly annoyed and scared when anyone sits down next to him and practically runs off the bus at his stop, smoothing the creases and unfathomable stains from his Matalan suit.
Most likely to say: No you can’t sit here, this seat’s for my bag.
Breast-feeding mother
With nipples resembling digestive biscuits and oblivious to all social norms and laws of decency, this not-so-yummy-mummy just whips a titty out in full public view to feed her screaming spawn. Everyone looks away embarrassed apart from a strange staring man next to her, repeatedly rubbing his thighs, drooling. You can’t help taking a quick glance but instantly regret it.
Most likely to say: Breast is best!
Hysterical girl on phone
One minute she’s quietly chatting away, the next she’s screaming like a banshee who trod on a plug, threatening to leave his clothes in boxes on the driveway, flush his guitar down the bog and set his guinea pig on fire. After hastily backtracking, begging for forgiveness and a few quick ‘I love you babes,’ she’s off again at a million miles an hour with warnings to watch his and his mums backs.
Most likely to say: Lusquishiana, it’s Rhianadonna, Dave just broke up with me. His dick's proper tiny and he’s shit in bed. SPREAD IT!
Stupid Tourist
This annoyingly chirpy holidaymaker maybe contributing to our economy but they’re definitely holding our day up. Defying all notions of a pre-pay ticket system, she roots through her bumbag (I know, seriously?) checking every single penny, oblivious the line of angry people behind her.
Most likely to say: So this is 50p? Your money sure is crazy!
The Ogling Pervert
Makes seedy advances towards every member of the opposite sex with winks, wolf whistles and grabbing his crotch à la some depraved Michael Jackson (and he was such a wholesome fella). Like some greasy haired snake he sidles over to one victim and begins demanding phone numbers, house keys and potential threesomes with other female travellers. You think about having a word but he looks like a canal-side murderer and you’re a massive wuss.
Most likely to say: A bus related chat-up line, maybe: Hey there diamond eyes, I felt some sexual tension. Maybe you can press my button, but don’t worry, I won’t stop.
Dirty Stopout
Nothing says ‘I was out fucking last night’ like high heels, unwashed club stamps on the back of a hand and an odour of sweat and shame at 10am. Makeup’s smeared, a sock’s missing and everyone’s staring but she doesn’t care. Heels in hand, she just chows down her Gingsters, aiming to get home before her boyfriend finishes his night shift.
Most likely to say: I’m just making an effort to go to the shops.
The girl of your dreams
She gets on the bus wreathed by nymphs and trumpeting angels, walks in slow motion and smells like cake. The reason she sits next to you is not because she’s attracted to you, you’re merely the closest thing to a normal person on here. And that smile she flashes you is simply a ‘what the fuck are you looking at, freak?’ while she counts down the minutes to get away from you.
Most likely to say: Excuse me (to your incredulous surprise), your boner is jabbing me.
---------------
So, there you go. Have you seen these people? I mean outside of crime watch? Let me know if I've missed anyone!
