Child Stars and Fame - Would You Want Your Child To Be Famous?

There's a really interesting documentary (albeit narrated in an annoyingly chirpy American accent despite mainly focusing on the British press and celebrity culture but whatever) called Starsuckers. It's all about the fame industry and how we, the normo's (or shitmunchers as I prefer to call us), perceive it. This isn't a review of of that documentary but I will say it's very interesting and worth a watch. It's on Youtube and can be watched here.

Starsuckers

I'm just going to focus on the section from 09.10-12.29 which briefly talks about child stars and the aspirations that parents have for their children. It's pretty fun seeing the parents sell out their morals for a the slimmest chance of seeing their child on television whether it be shows like 'Baby Boozers,' 'Take Your Daughter To The Slaughter House' or 'Peado's Wet Dream.' Don't worry, that last one was fake, it probably would have turned too many heads but I bet there's a few parents who'd let their kids be on a show with that name, all in the name of fame.

Maybe it's the money or a delusional reckoning that the celebrity lifestyle is a healthy one but these parents WANT their children to be famous. One happy dad believes it's a parents 'best dream' (that's the goodest English I've ever hearded). So, I thought it would be fun to have a quick look at a few celebrities, some who were child stars and some who are pretty high on the success ladder, to just see if any parent would really want to put their child through any of these scenarios. For the record, I haven't got kids but I'm sure when some poor girl is unlucky enough to produce one of my demon spawn, I wouldn't wish my pint-sized protege any of the problems fame and success can bring.

The format will be who they are, why they are famous, what fame did to them and if their parents (who may or may not have had anything to do with their fame) would be proud/happy about the effects fame has had on their children's lives. Let's start with the child stars, moving on to the rest when I feel like it (it's my blog!!). Coming at number 1. Who else?


I thought Michael Jackson was a white guy!?!

Michael Jackson

What was he in? Music, Debt, Children.

How fame affected him: The effects of Jackson and his child stardom are plain to see. The pressures he faced as a youngster left him trying to relive his childhood as a grown man and this included having sleepovers with very young boys. The well-known accusations that followed have put a black mark next to Jackson's name that can never be washed away. It is clear that Michael was a mentally and emotionally fragile person and the pressures of fame only served to heighten these. The 'Wacko Jacko' persona will be remembered for as much as anything he accomplished. After he died in mysterious circumstances, it was believed that the pressures of his upcoming tour may have been responsible.

Would his parents be proud of him? Not likely. Joe Jackson was reportedly incredibly strict with young Michael and beatings and whippings were not uncommon. In my opinion, I don't think Joe was ever happy with anything Michael did.


'You want me to do what, Michael?

Macaulay Culkin

What was he in? Home Alone, Mila Kunis, Jail.

How fame affected him: Big Mac (as he now likes to be called. Or maybe I'm confusing him with a burger) has struggled to find any meaningful acting roles in the last 15 years having failed to mature as an actor. The predictable 'failed relationships and drug charges' have also been prevalent is his life as well as the eerily close relationship with Michael Jackson.

Would his parents be proud of him? The kid had it rough, on and off camera. Not only have his family left him at home and in the middle of New York, they did it on Christmas! TWICE! But maybe I'm blurring fantasy and reality. Culkin emancipated (divorced in layman's terms) his real family at 14 years old after he felt his abusive father was raking in too much of his hard earned cash and working him too hard. To be honest, I'd be pretty pissed too. Just blow all your money in some New York penthouse, get loads of pizza and- Wait a minute...


Whose turn is it to get the beak in and flash the paparazzi? Me or The Olsen Twins?

Lindsay Lohan

What was she in? Mean Girls, Famous DJ's Sisters, A Cell

How fame affected her: No child star gone mental list would be complete without Lindsay Lohan. It's fair to say that any celebrity can be excused the opportunity to live the sex, drugs and rock n roll lifestyle (come on, what would you do?) but Lohan takes it to the extreme. There have been car crashes, DUI's, stints in rehab, lesbian relationships; the list goes on. Perhaps it was a case of too much, too soon for Lohan who tried to take on the actor/singer/dancer roles at a very young age.

Would her parents be proud of her? Her Mum loves it. Fair to say she might be a bit of a bad influence, enjoying a casual cocktail or toot on the crackpipe. Her Dad isn't much better and tried to sell recorded conversations with Lindsay to the press, probably making a fat amount of cash in the meantime. It's worth mentioning that he's a pretty nefarious character as it is. Once convicted of stock fraud as well as threatening to kill Lindsay's old dear; Christmas dinner in that family must be a laugh!


Coleen said yes! And all I had to do was sign this fat contract with Nike!

Wayne Rooney

What was he in? A Rubbish Football Team, The Press, Grannies.

How fame affected him: Not quite as badly as some of the above but luckily he's had some good advice. Whether it be the fatherly Alex Ferguson, ready to give you a good bollocking and clip round the ear; or the uncle-esque David Moyes, still strict but might buy you pint when you're only 14, the cheeky sod; Rooney hasn't been completely controversy free. According to some he's partial to the odd lady-of-the-night and it's also been rumoured that Coleen wasn't interested in him at all until he went pro at Everton. Oh , she's staying with him for his charm and good looks, not his cash, is she? His lifestyle has come under criticism too, maybe he's big boned but the 'who at all the pies' chants speak for themselves. Oh yeah, it made him bald too! Good job he's rich and can get a hair transplant! Bobby Charlton's well jealous!

Would his parents be proud of him? Probably. Despite these allegations his life's not gone completely off the rails. And a lad from Croxteth earning nigh on £200,000 a week's not bad. I can imagine they were pretty pissed when the traitor moved to Manchester, though.


Look at that face... As if she was a virgin until 18. Skank!

Britney Spears

What was she in? Music, Rehab, Justin Timberlake (Yeah, they did some weird stuff).

How fame affected her: Similar story to Lohan really. Britney kept a squeaky clean image for years but relationships with good boys like JT and bad boys like Fred Durst put her reputation to the test. The cliched drugs, alcohol and Vegas weddings followed. Pfft so unoriginal. Nowadays she can be found in a trailer somewhere, washing herself down in a muddy creek with the rest of the yokels.

Would her parents be proud of her? Well her mum got pretty rich writing a tell all book about Britney in which she claims she lost her virginity to a high school jock at 14 and started hitting the drugs at 15. Selling out your own kid? Cold.


I'm gonna marry a footballa an' get me gnashers sorted, eh pet?

Cheryl Cole

What was she in? Girls Aloud, X-Factor, Simon Cowell's Pocket.

How fame affected her: While not a child star, Cheryl Cole is someone who many young girls look up to and idolize. But would parents want their child to be like Cheryl? Marry a footballer who constantly cheats on you, take him back, get self-esteem crushed again; think you're better than you band mates, sack them off, realise you ain't all that, now they don't want to know; smash some birds head in coming out the bog! A recipe for fame or self destruct? Cheryl had to take time off from X-Factor after suffering form Malaria but sources suggest otherwise and that Cheryl was actually in the gritty throes of a battle with anorexia. When I say battle, I mean physically fighting with hummus. The kitchen was a right mess!

Would her parents be proud of her? Again, looking at her track record I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (except the hummus bit) let alone my own child. Conversely, she has made obscene amounts of money.


Amy's been on the baking powder again.

Amy Winehouse

What was she in? Mice Porn, Love With A Twat, Rehab (Despite Saying No, No, No).

How fame affected her: To be fair, I think someone with Amy's personality would have had the same issues whether she was in the public eye or not but the money and attention that came with it didn't help. Drugs, violent relationships and snorting baby mice just to get her kicks were just a few of her indiscretions. While drugs have been ruled out as a decisive factor in her death, the pressures of fame must surely have had some impact in her untimely demise.

Would her parents be proud of her? I think it's fair to say that whatever happened, her old man, Mitch looked out for her. After hearing that Blake got his little girl addicted to crack he went looking for him, couldn't find him so beat up his old man instead. That's good parenting! The Winehouse family were constantly concerned for Amy who unfortunately, was just a fucking loon.


Finally, a good role model for young lesbians!

Justin Bieber

What was he in? Everything That's Wrong With Music, Every Teen Girls Dreams, Every Catholic Priests Wank Bank

How fame affected her (yes, her): Justin Bieber was responsible for the infamous East/West Coast turf wars with the Jonas Brothers that saw many innocents caught in the crossfire. An addiction to testosterone pills, coupled with a string of relationships with men, women and beasts ensued with disastrous effects. Bieber was shot dead after a confrontation with a police officer who found a hooker (possibly Kim Kardashian) dead in the boot of his car and after a Bieber resisted arrest, had to bring him down.

Would her parents be proud of her? No. Remember, there's a Bieber family out there, silently screaming into a pillow.

---------


I hope you've enjoyed my satirical rant about celebrity obsessed culture and it's many flaws. Many of you won't agree and will simply go back to the 'Only Way Is Essex' lifestyle idolizing people who shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, let alone be on television. You'll counter with, 'Yes but these people are earning so much money, they have access to incredible things, the price of what comes with this fame is to be expected, it's a balance, a sacrifice you must make, the yin and yang.' And while I agree that it is a very philosophical statement you have just made, does the money counter what appears to be such a soul-sucking life?

To which I say - Yes, Oh God, I wish I was famous! WHY CAN'T I BE RICH AND FAMOUS???

My Favourite Simpson's Episodes: Worst Top 10 Ever

While the newest episodes aren't very good at all, The Simpsons is, in my opinion, better than Family Guy, South Park, Beavis and Butthead etc etc. Yeah it's kind of lost its edge now those other cartoons have come out but The Simpsons is something a little different from those cartoons, a bit more socially acceptable than the above maybe. All of my Top 10 are from the mid nineties and I remember when they came out laughing so hard and when rewatching them again, laughing just as much. Maybe you'll be reading this thinking, 'The Simpsons? Seriously, I saw that when I was like 10.' Yeah, fair play we've seen them all before but if you've got 20 minutes to spare, go and watch one of these classics and I bet you'll have forgotten just how funny these episodes are!

10. Bart's Comet



Synopsis: After playing a prank on Principal Skinner, Bart is punished by having to take Skinner's notes while he stargazes. After an unsuccessful night, Bart swats the telescope and immediately discovers a comet. The plans to shoot the comet with a rocket fail, sending the town in a panicked frenzy. Springfield descends to Ned Flanders' bomb shelter, eventually kicking him out. Everyone bickers until Homer encourages everyone to join Flanders facing the comet.

Best bit: Bart's obvious over-eagerness with the launch of the weather balloon.

Best quote: The town are arguing over who should be thrown out of the bomb shelter to make room for the rest

Homer: Wait a minute: we all know the one thing we won't need in the
future! Left-handed stores. That's you, Flanders!
[whispered to Rod & Todd] I'm terribly story.
[to everyone] Flanders is the only useless person here. If anyone dies, it should be him.
[whispered] I'm sorry, please forgive me.
[to everyone] So let's kick Flanders out.
[whispered] Sorry.

9. Who Shot Mr Burns? Part 2



Synopsis: The classic whodunit! After a series of indiscretions that has seen Mr. Burns make enemies with everyone from Moe's to Springfield Elementary, The Retirement Castle and The Plant, Mr Burns is shot. Several suspects appear as the potential shooters but who was the actual culprit? Homer? Grandpa? Smithers?

Best Bit: Homer's stand-off with Burns.

Best Quote: Moe is strapped to a lie detector while Eddie and Lou administer the test.

Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz]
All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz]
A date. [buzz]
Dinner with friends. [buzz]
Dinner alone. [buzz]
Watching TV alone. [buzz]
All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the
Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz]
[weakly] Sears catalog. [ding]
[angry] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't
deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

8. 22 Short Films About Springfield



Synopsis: Bart and Milhouse question whether anything fun happens around Springfield. Cue a selection of short stories between some of Springfield's favorite characters. Watch what happens when Smithers gets stung by a bee or when Lisa gets gum in her hair. If you've ever wondered what happens to Simpson's characters when they aren't interacting with the family, then this is the episode for you!

Best Bit: The Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers skit is one of the best pieces of television I have ever seen!

Best quote: At a Krusty Burger, Chief Wiggum, Lou and Eddie have a Pulp Fiction style conversation while enjoying a meat-flavored sandwich.

Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night --
Wiggum: [interrupting] The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's. I never heard of it either, but they
have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little
differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese,
but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy
gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm. They call 'em, "shakes."
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.

7. El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)



Synopsis: After eating an incredibly hot chili at the annual chili carnival, Homer goes on a surreal trip where he encounters huge snakes, a large butterfly and even a talking coyote (voiced by Johnny Cash). The coyote advises Homer to find his soulmate but returns home to find Marge furious with his antics at the carnival. Homer comes to the conlusion Marge isn't his soulamte and vows to find him/her.

Best Bit: Homer's trip after eating the chili is not only hilarious but visually amazing.

Best Quote: Homer wakes up on a golf course and attempts to rationalize his chili hallucianation.

Homer: Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. [The pro shop is shaped like a giant pyramid.] And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate!
Homer: Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog.
Dog: [barks]
Homer: Damn straight!

6. Homer's Enemy



Synopsis: A new employee named Frank Grimes is employed at the plant after Mr. Burns watches an empowering film watching his struggles through life. However, Burns immediately turns his attention to an heroic dog, demoting Grimes to Sector 7G. Grimes takes an instant dislike to Homer's laziness, irresponsibility and social naivety. Homer's attempts to befriend Grimes fail causing Grimes to declare him his enemy. When Homer is rewarded for winning a prize for children (one which Grimes entered him in) Grimes snaps attempting to mimic Homer's poor habits, only to electrocute himself and die.

Best Bit: Mr. Burns demoting Grimes after he saves Homer from drinking acid, swatting it away, destroying Burns' valuable wall and spilling his priceless acid.

Best Quote: Grimes has snapped and goes on a rampage of the plant, followed by Homer, Smithers and others.

Grimes: [from the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise! Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!
[He runs into Homer's work station and spins in the chair]
Grimes: I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!
Homer: Hey, you okay, Grimey?
Grimes: I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson.
Homer: [chuckles] You wish.
Grimes: [noticing Mr Burns] Oh, hi, Mr Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster. What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
[grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces]

5. Homer At The Bat

>

Synopsis: Homer and his homemade bat are helping to Nuclear Plant softball team to an impressive run of form. Mr. Burns wagers $1 Million with Aristotle Amadopoulos, owner of Shelbyville Nuclear Plant that his team will come out on top in the next fixture. To ensure victory, Mr. Burns hires nine Major League Baseball stars (all voice themselves) to work at the plant and signs them up to the team. However, before the game all but one of the all star players suffer misfortunes that prevent them from playing. The only player remaining, Darryl Strawberry, plays in Homer's position, leaving him on the bench. However, with the scores tied and bases loaded, Mr. Burns brings on Homer for the final play.

Best Bit: The ways that the all star team are rendered out of action is hilarious, most notably, Ken Griffey Junior's gigantism.

Best Quote: Steve Sax is innocently drivig along when he is pulled over by Lou and Edidie.

Eddie: [reading Steve Sax's license] Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.
Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
[Lou and Eddie laugh]
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?

4. Marge Vs. The Monorail



Synopsis: Mr. Burns is caught dumping toxic waste around Springfield and is fined $3 Million. At a town meeting to arrange how to spend the money, a mysterious Lyle Lanley arrives with the idea of a monorail, leading the townspeople into song before they agree. Marge has her suspicions and vows to find out more about Lanley.

Best Bit: The monorail song. Awesome!

Best Quote: The monorail is out of control. Marge communicates to Homer through a radio.

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who says he can help you.
Homer: Batman?!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist!
Marge: It's not Batman!

3. Lemon Of Troy



Synopsis: After Springfield's famous Lemon Tree is dragged off into Shelbyville, Bart leads Milhouse, Martin, Nelson, Todd and Data into Shelbyville in an attempt to get it back. The boys track down the tree to an impound lot but are stopped by their parents. Homer, Flanders and the rest attempt to negotiate to get the tree back but to no avail. Using Flanders' RV, the Springfieldianites using a Trojan Horse type method to infiltrate to impound and restore the tree to Springfield.

Best Bit: The owner of the impound taking a bite from the lemon resulting in the picture above.

Best Quote: [Bart is surrounded by kids from Shelbyville]

Shelbyville Kid: Wait a minute, if you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you in school?
Bart: I don't go to school.
Shelbyville Kid: Okay, what's two plus two?
Bart: Five
Shelbyville Kid: Ah, story checks out…

2. You Only Move Twice



Synopsis: As the the second most senior man at the Nuclear Plant (after Waylon Smithers), Homer is headhunted for a job for the Globex Coporation in Cypress Creek. Homer's boss, Hank Scorpio seems like the perfect boss and Homer fits in well, increasing productivity. However, life in Cypress Creek is not perfect for the rest of the Simpson family. Bart is put in the remedial classroom, Lisa is allergic to everything and the hi-tech gizmos in the house mean Marge has nothing to do except drink. Homer talks with Scorpio who is in the middle of a battle with the US Army, who tells him to do what is best for his family.

Best Bit: Hank Scorpio is by far my favorite ever Simpsons character. His diabolical schemes and Homer's lack of awareness to them are classic.

Best Quote: [Scoprio is talking onscreen to the UN Security Council]

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.
[an explosion occurs near the UN building]
Man 1: Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge!
Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
Man 1: We can't take that chance.
Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.

1. Cape Feare



Synopsis: Bart becomes paranoid after receiving death threats in the mail and realizes that Sideshow Bob, recently out of prison, is behind it. Despite their best efforts, no one can keep Bart safe so the Simpson family are placed on the Witness Relocation Program, renamed The Thompsons and move to Terror Lake to live on a house boat. However, Sideshow Bob is not far behind and drugs the family during the night and chases Bart around the boat. Bob grants Bart one final request and he asks him to sing the entire score from HMS Pinafore. This manages to stall him until the boat pulls in Springfield, where Wiggum and the police arrest him.

Best Bit: Obviously, the rakes. No question, the rakes every single time!

Best Quote: [Bart has difficulty sleeping, his bedroom door opens, a sharp knife appears and man charges into the room casting a scary shadow on the ceiling]

Homer: [holding a large knife upside-down] BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?
Bart: [screames] AAAAAHHHHH!
Homer: [kneels down and scary shadow disappears] Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart: Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming into my room screaming and brandishing the butcher knife.
Homer: Why?
[Homer looks at the large knife he is holding]
Homer: Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing, oh I'm sorry boy.
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room. Seconds later, Homer bursts into the room again wearing a white hockey mask and holding a roaring electric chainsaw, which he holds up]
Homer: BARTYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
Bart: [screams louder] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Homer: [turning off the chainsaw and lifting the hockey mask] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?