This one's going out to all the pub landlords who read Mindlesselfindulgences. I know there's a few of you out there so listen up.
So how can this fat bastard make sure Tuesday becomes Woo-hoosday! (sorry, I'm so sorry about that one).
1. If you build it, he will come.
Or not, if you allow your regulars to bully newcomers in your establishment.
This has nothing to do with your venues aesthetic or pissy odour. There are countless successful venues that on most other nights of the week are some of the roughest places in town.
It goes without saying that kids who can afford gear to be in a band are usually from fairly middle-class families as will their friends. They don't really care what the place looks like (the rougher the better, it makes them think they're rebelling against their parents and getting in touch with their bohemian side) but they won't appreciate the lout in the Ben Sherman shirt who's 10 blue WKD's down, demanding that the artsy folk band play an Oasis cover. Just because he's a regular and can get away with that kind of thing on a Saturday night, before he glasses someone and gets off with the village bike, the people who are behaving themselves and trying to watch the band will quickly go elsewhere once he gets verbally abusive.
One of the notable examples I can think of here was a venue that tried to get bands on after the Champions League games on a Wednesday night. They weren't exactly happy when us youngsters began setting up and loudly tuning instruments as they watched their 'local sports team' get battered by a much more flowing and box-to-box oriented Portuguese club.
I've heard of a venue that turned into a club immediately after a gig night. The bouncers told the band they had five minutes to pack up their gear and when they failed to do so they destroyed what remained by throwing it across the room.
Yeah, it's a tricky one. You don't want to push away your regulars who do put money behind the till but if you want your band night to be successful, it has to be an attractive offering for bands and customers who enjoy live music.
2. You don't do heavy metal in dobly
Sound is a tricky entity. However, it's a little more straight forward when you think of it like sight. If you put a concrete block in front of a band, you won't be able to see them. Sound is approximately one hundred percent better at going around corners than sight but that concrete block will still limit sound A LOT. Just sticking a band in a free corner, or up on a fenced off ledge is not the best way to fully appreciate good sound. Apart from being truly bad, nothing will drive bands or punters away than poor sound. How about trying to find the best acoustics in the room? Push the pool table back against the wall or something, don't be lazy, you only have to do it twice a week!
A decent sound guy is not hugely difficult to find and someone who understands the difference between laid back blues and an explosive instrumental band will help get the levels half sorted. Attention to bands, don't expect the sound quality of Wembley Arena in a shitty little pub, it's not happening. But out on the floor, so long as the crowd can sort of make out a distinction between the instruments and vocals, rather than a wall of noise, they'll be happy enough.
A decent PA really is the very least you should muster if you want to put on band nights. Just getting your karaoke speakers out won't do and if your nights are successful you'll start to make the couple of hundred for the PA in no time. You don't need monitors or to mic every guitar amp up, so long as the vocals and bass are covered, bands should manage.
3. Get some good bands
This one sounds the hardest but it really shouldn't be. As I mentioned so long as a band isn't completely dire an audience will nod their head and not begin hurling furniture at them. No one expects U2 at their venue but if you can get to grips with your local scene, finding 2-3 good bands every week shouldn't be a problem.
So long as petrol is covered, a couple of beers will satisfy most bands. Money is obviously even better but I think all but the douchiest of rock stars.
Easy, done - BOOM!
4. If you build it, he will come - part 2
No, he won't. Putting on a night without promoting is the equivalent standing naked in your windows with the curtains closed (everyone knows that's not how you do it!). Too many venues expect the band to bring in a crowd and yeah, it's half the battle. The band bring people in because they want people to watch them. The band couldn't give a shit if people aren't taking advantage of your generous 2-4-1 Smirnoff Ice deal at the bar.
I always wondered why venues insist on bringing 20 spectators. Chances are if you can attract 20 people, it's because they like your band. If they like your band, chances are they've seen you before. If they've seen you before, why not stay at home and have those 20 fans in your living room while you rock the fuck out?
If you want your band night to be well attended, you need to make sure people KNOW there is a band night happening. Even if it's just putting a chalk board outside the venue letting people know that there will some live music on that night. Oh yeah, I'm not sure if you're aware, but there's this massive thing called THE INTERNET that all the kids are using. Social Media quite simply is the way forward. People don't read the paper, hey most people don't leave the house if they don't have to. But between looking at cats being funnt and building up forearm muscles, people spend a lot of time on the internet so get involved.
5. I would literally kick a panda in the face for a fiver
And finally, for the love of God don't charge the universal it's-not-too-much-but-enough-to-make-it-exclusive £5 entry fee. Dude, I could go and see some established bands with albums and t-shirts and little badges with their logo on for around £8. Sometimes bigger bands even put on gigs for free! A fiver is a lot of money especially when you wanna get shit-faced, pull and buy a donner on the way home.
Come on mate, you should be happy with the extra meat in the room. Don't take the piss.
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If you think this blog ended quickly... Guinness made me do it!
There's a common thought that live music is truly suffering and venues are having a difficult time getting band nights on. Lazy people like to blame the internet and that it gives a forum to talentless wannabes that wouldn't have ever 'made it' without YouTube etc. These same people snipe away on forums, bemoaning the lack of decent venues in their towns. This doesn't help. There are plenty of ways to get live music back on it's feet but this blog is focused on the venues. I've given bands help before.
The landlord of a boozer with a decent size floorspace thinks that putting on a band night will help pull in a few punters on the normally quiet Tuesday night. S/he thinks that it will be easy, dusts off Saturday night's karaoke speakers and expects the bands to do the rest. Then they get angry when a band shows up and play to an empty room.
It's cost me more in electricity than I've made over the bar!
So how can this fat bastard make sure Tuesday becomes Woo-hoosday! (sorry, I'm so sorry about that one).
You'll recognise these guys from any bar - crooked back and nursing half a bitter.
Or not, if you allow your regulars to bully newcomers in your establishment.
This has nothing to do with your venues aesthetic or pissy odour. There are countless successful venues that on most other nights of the week are some of the roughest places in town.
It goes without saying that kids who can afford gear to be in a band are usually from fairly middle-class families as will their friends. They don't really care what the place looks like (the rougher the better, it makes them think they're rebelling against their parents and getting in touch with their bohemian side) but they won't appreciate the lout in the Ben Sherman shirt who's 10 blue WKD's down, demanding that the artsy folk band play an Oasis cover. Just because he's a regular and can get away with that kind of thing on a Saturday night, before he glasses someone and gets off with the village bike, the people who are behaving themselves and trying to watch the band will quickly go elsewhere once he gets verbally abusive.
One of the notable examples I can think of here was a venue that tried to get bands on after the Champions League games on a Wednesday night. They weren't exactly happy when us youngsters began setting up and loudly tuning instruments as they watched their 'local sports team' get battered by a much more flowing and box-to-box oriented Portuguese club.
I've heard of a venue that turned into a club immediately after a gig night. The bouncers told the band they had five minutes to pack up their gear and when they failed to do so they destroyed what remained by throwing it across the room.
Yeah, it's a tricky one. You don't want to push away your regulars who do put money behind the till but if you want your band night to be successful, it has to be an attractive offering for bands and customers who enjoy live music.
I don't have a clue what any of these buttons do, but if everything's on red, that's good right?
Sound is a tricky entity. However, it's a little more straight forward when you think of it like sight. If you put a concrete block in front of a band, you won't be able to see them. Sound is approximately one hundred percent better at going around corners than sight but that concrete block will still limit sound A LOT. Just sticking a band in a free corner, or up on a fenced off ledge is not the best way to fully appreciate good sound. Apart from being truly bad, nothing will drive bands or punters away than poor sound. How about trying to find the best acoustics in the room? Push the pool table back against the wall or something, don't be lazy, you only have to do it twice a week!
A decent sound guy is not hugely difficult to find and someone who understands the difference between laid back blues and an explosive instrumental band will help get the levels half sorted. Attention to bands, don't expect the sound quality of Wembley Arena in a shitty little pub, it's not happening. But out on the floor, so long as the crowd can sort of make out a distinction between the instruments and vocals, rather than a wall of noise, they'll be happy enough.
A decent PA really is the very least you should muster if you want to put on band nights. Just getting your karaoke speakers out won't do and if your nights are successful you'll start to make the couple of hundred for the PA in no time. You don't need monitors or to mic every guitar amp up, so long as the vocals and bass are covered, bands should manage.
Hey look! A good band!
This one sounds the hardest but it really shouldn't be. As I mentioned so long as a band isn't completely dire an audience will nod their head and not begin hurling furniture at them. No one expects U2 at their venue but if you can get to grips with your local scene, finding 2-3 good bands every week shouldn't be a problem.
So long as petrol is covered, a couple of beers will satisfy most bands. Money is obviously even better but I think all but the douchiest of rock stars.
Easy, done - BOOM!
The guy in chip shop said he'd told everyone!
4. If you build it, he will come - part 2
No, he won't. Putting on a night without promoting is the equivalent standing naked in your windows with the curtains closed (everyone knows that's not how you do it!). Too many venues expect the band to bring in a crowd and yeah, it's half the battle. The band bring people in because they want people to watch them. The band couldn't give a shit if people aren't taking advantage of your generous 2-4-1 Smirnoff Ice deal at the bar.
I always wondered why venues insist on bringing 20 spectators. Chances are if you can attract 20 people, it's because they like your band. If they like your band, chances are they've seen you before. If they've seen you before, why not stay at home and have those 20 fans in your living room while you rock the fuck out?
If you want your band night to be well attended, you need to make sure people KNOW there is a band night happening. Even if it's just putting a chalk board outside the venue letting people know that there will some live music on that night. Oh yeah, I'm not sure if you're aware, but there's this massive thing called THE INTERNET that all the kids are using. Social Media quite simply is the way forward. People don't read the paper, hey most people don't leave the house if they don't have to. But between looking at cats being funnt and building up forearm muscles, people spend a lot of time on the internet so get involved.
Dollar dollar bill, y'all!
And finally, for the love of God don't charge the universal it's-not-too-much-but-enough-to-make-it-exclusive £5 entry fee. Dude, I could go and see some established bands with albums and t-shirts and little badges with their logo on for around £8. Sometimes bigger bands even put on gigs for free! A fiver is a lot of money especially when you wanna get shit-faced, pull and buy a donner on the way home.
Come on mate, you should be happy with the extra meat in the room. Don't take the piss.
--------
If you think this blog ended quickly... Guinness made me do it!
