Guide To Action

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Tom’s Expendables

This summer sees the release of one of the most anticipated action films ever and I’m not talking about Jurassic Park IV! The Expendables 2 hits screens in August and will feature some of the most bad-ass, hard-as-nails, stacked-as-fuck action stars to ever machine gun, cop-slide, break a man’s neck with inexplicable ease or splash into a dock before an explosion in a nearby derelict warehouse.

Now, I’m not sure who the casting director was, but if it was up to me Willis, Norris, Schwarzenegger and Stallone would be replaced by this crack team of hit-men...

Gallagher

Weapon of choice – a razor sharp tambourine

Catchphrase – “Live Forever” (in a drawled Mancunian tone before vaulting into a myriad of automatic rifle crossfire, unmapped minefields or a cockfighting pit to rescue a girl, an adorable puppy or pack of benny hedges).

Special skill – As a former roadie, Gallagher has experience of shifting heavy objects, making him the ideal man to set up defensive formations such as a sandbags, debris and barrels that explode with the slightest touch.

Despite having the tender ability to sing poetic, catchy songs, which indecently cheers the rest of the team up no end on their downtime, Gallagher’s no softy and has come to blows more than once, notably with his (evil?) brother Noel. An out of tune rendition of Wonderwall will leave him seeing red, flinging his tambourine indiscriminately, decapitating and maiming all those in his path, akin to Oddjob’s hat or strangling his enemies with a microphone lead. Gallagher’s one weakness is that he must wear sunglasses at all times (even indoors and at night) as the removal of said shades produces a dangerously unstable beam of energy that can cut through anything from suet to Dairylea.

Barton

Weapon of choice – Ninja knees

Catchphrase – “Good job I brought my shin pads” (after being warned of a possibly hostile situation).

Special Skill – His ever updated Twitter feed shows how clued up he is on the social media side of things, bringing in a much needed marketability and funds to a team who explode every car, speedboat or potentially profitable meth lab they discover.

Football’s most dangerous man never baulks in the face of authority, appropriately calling his former Jabba-The-Hut resembling boss Mike Ashley a “fat slug” and baked bean-headed former striker Alan Shearer “a shit manager with shit tactics.” Being a true patriot and with the impending third world war over the Falklands on the horizon, Barton has already taken it upon himself to tackle (a loose term) two of Argentina’s BIGGEST threats, Augero and Tevez. As well those aforementioned knees, Barton is a dab-hand with a lit cigar but ironically not so accurate with a football, with the most misplaced passes in the league last season, according to those super hardcore analysts at OPTA.

Ramsay

Weapon of choice – Knives

Catchphrase – “Done” (after slitting the throat of a poorly trained and educated Somali refugee who probably has a wife and children waiting for him at home).

Special skill – Sometimes those ration packs of hard biscuits and dried meat can get a bit stale so who better to have on the team than a celebrity chef? Armed with a selection of spices in his bandolier, now that wild pig the team butchered in the cold, rainy jungle can be properly seasoned.                                                                                                        

Swearing like a sailor is the ultimate mark of a true big man and this crazy mother’s even spent time been behind bars. And if you don’t think helping convicts start a cupcake business is hardcore, you ain’t got your priorities sorted. Ramsay truly DOES have his priorities sorted, even putting his own family aside when they stood in the way of business, particularly his arch nemesis father-in-law. A true master of disguise, Ramsay’s ever changing botox and facelift regimes keep him one step ahead of his enemies and his kinfework skills are lethal and precise, dicing up an enemy’s ball-bag like an onion. Ramsay swears in the face of danger, once being doused in petrol and held at gunpoint in Cuba before telling the baddies to “fuck off.” Probably.

Mitchell, Mitchell

Weapon of choice – A variety of tools, hammers and jump cables; attached to an enemy’s bollocks.

Catchphrase – Unnerving silence… and heavy, asthmatic breathing.

Special skill – If ever the jeep, apache helicopter or gun-car (a car made of a gun that shoots cars, obviously) ever breaks down, these two former mechanics can ensure every spark plug, machine gun or fire-spitting exhaust is fully operational after several deserved tea breaks and sausage butties.

Apart from marrying Sharon and running the Queen Vic (the team’s local), the bicep-clad, slap-headed brothers also share an innate telepathic understanding of one another, being twins (YES THEY ARE!). With an overbearing amount of brotherly love, both are willing to die for the other making the Mitchell brothers a formidable duo. They can crush their opponents with their bare hands and despite the worrying number of deaths in the small area of East London they inhabit; they’ve kept the Square clean of scumbags for years. Both have had their fair share of war wounds with Phil taking a bullet from a deceitful ex-wife as well as getting himself to crack, the silly billy. Grant has also been in the thick of it, standing toe-to-toe with drug cartels, gang members and Somali pirates and can rightfully hold the title of ‘definitely being harder than Danny Dyer.’

Cox

Weapon of choice – Defibrillator, surgical syringe, scalpel

Catchphrase – “Ok Nancy, you reheheheally need to cool down… because your immune system’s fucked and you’ll be getting pneumonia any minute… now” (After injecting an enemy with the AIDS).

Special skill – Every team needs someone medically trained to tend to flesh wounds, disembowelment and missing limbs and this quack just so happens to be a sarcastic, jacked-up bad-ass.

Not only would a medic give some much needed peace of mind to the rest of the team, the good doctor would have experience of going through reams upon reams of paperwork incurred from the chaos, destruction and expensive lawsuits served against the team for driving recklessly through wet streets into oncoming traffic or dangerously tackling a suspect through a fifth floor window after a rooftop chase; most probably leaving some innocent passer-by in a vegetative state for life. Cox has encountered death on numerous occasions so would have no qualms with ending the life on another, celebrating at times with a scotch. Cox harbours a revered hatred for the knife handed actor, Hugh Jackman and the two have fought many times, most recently in a steel cage.

Prescott

Weapon of choice – Fists

Catchphrase – “You’re toast, lad… mmm, toast” (Before eating his enemies).

Special skill – Winning’s great but sometimes it’s best to know when to stand down and who better to negotiate when you’re tied to a chair and soaked in gasoline than a former diplomat? Albeit, tact has never been Prescott’s strong point so prepare for some pretty severe burns. 

The former amateur boxing champ isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, notably launching a tirade of chubby punches at a man who threw a grenade/egg at him in my hometown (GET IN). Ever a man of luxury, old “two jags” doesn’t simply walk from place to place when he can enjoy the carnal pleasures of driving expensive sports cars, even when nipping down the shops for some milk, acting as the driver when called up to star in a gritty street race or jump off a bridge onto the deck of moving boat below. As with any action heartthrob, Prescott has had his fair share of trouble with the ladies, but rather than them turn out to be a seductress Russian spy, some have slapped a sexual harassment lawsuit his way. At least play by the rules and slit his throat in a jacuzzi on a space rocket, you miserable bitches!

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So keep an eye out for The Expendables 3, coming to cinemas near you NEVER! Featuring several unfit and out of breath men, jumped up pricks and blurred lines of reality and fiction. Seriously though, this would be one shit film!

Guide To Your Mates

Tom's Guide To Life is back after a lengthy absence!

Remember these handy, dandy lifestyle guides often contain some rather raucous language so if you are not of a strong disposition, look away now!

Tom's Guide To... Your Mates

Ah, your mates are the best aren’t they? Always there to call you a cunt, drop foreign objects in your pint or riffle through your mum’s knicker drawer. Those funny fuckers! But did you know, it’s been proven by science* that all groups of lads conform to the following groups?

*This may or may not be true.

If you’re thinking, I can fit my mates into nearly all of the categories except for that unsavoury character. Well my friend, that’s because it’s probably you.

The Smooth Operator

Classic example – Prince Harry

The ladies’ man, one handsome bastard with a sharp fashion sense and dance moves to match. While you’re with the lads, deciding whose shit-stained 50p is on the pool table, he’s schmoozing up the lovely behind the bar. While you’re content grinding up against some garden shed, he seems to have a harem of sexy girls orbiting him. He’s a handy asset to your squad though, acting like a Venus flytrap in a polo shirt, he lures unwary females over to your table. First impressions made, all that’s left is to flood pitchers of Cheeky Vimto down their necks until they think you’re as good looking and interesting as him. 

Pros – Wingman? He’s flying this fucking thing. Without him, you ugly mugs would have less chance picking up the hotties than an eskimo with a cold.

Cons – Your girlfriend almost certainly fancies him more than you.

The State

Classic example - Steve-O (Jackass) (Pre-sobriety)

And you thought you were hardcore? This mad fucker never stops! Come 4am you’re about ready for a taxi, a pitta full of dog meat and a nice warm bed to soil. He’s already talking about heading to the next club and meeting up for a beer and burger come lunchtime. You’ve reluctantly followed him on a night out before and ended up in a dingy basement flat, far from home, not knowing anyone while he’s locked in a room doing cocaine off a midget’s elbow. Meanwhile, scary men are threatening to ‘shank you’ unless you get in the den they’ve made out of living room furniture.

Pros – Always up for it. Just finished work? Let’s get a pint! Girlfriend dumped you? Let’s get a pint! Someone stole your kidney in an alley?...

Cons – He’ll probably end up addicted to a class-A drug, go to rehab, relapse and end up living in a crack-den. You’ll try and stay in touch at first but get frustrated every time he asks for a fiver for his fix.

The Guy Who Has A House.

Classic Example - Tom Cruise in Risky Business

When it’s too cold to sit on the swings, drinking cheap cider you’re normally at his house. Who cares if you burn ciggy holes in the sofa, mash Quavers into the carpet or let stray cats shit in his fridge? Here, there are no rules. All that’s left to do is fill every available space with beer, arrange a party to rival a Gipsy funeral via the internet and wait for the local news reporters to arrive.

Pros – If you’re sick on his floor you can just cover it in newspaper and let nature take its course.

Cons – His landlord will throw him out after the complaints about noise, illegal fight clubs and badger infestations that will inevitably result from your soirees. 

The Nutcase

Classic example – Francis Begbie (Trainspotting)

While you impress the ladies with your spot on MC Hammer moves, he stands on the side-lines, scanning the area for danger like some steroid-abusing meerkat. When someone innocently dances into you, he’s the first on the scene, neck veins pulsing, index finger pointing vigorously. The Nutcase definitely has his uses though. If those dick’eds who are getting fresh aren’t subdued by your Chinese burns and girlish slaps, he can step in, thus saving the day.

Pros – You feel more secure than a spunk-resistant Megan Fox in a prison for bukkake maniacs in this mad bastard’s company.

Cons – He starts more trouble than he prevents, the night ultimately ending with you face down on the concrete when the bouncers decide “someone looking at me funny” isn’t a good enough excuse to break a man’s head off the urinal.

The Butt of all Jokes

Classic example – Pancho (Dirty Sanchez)

He’s probably a bit short, a bit fat and a bit of a lightweight and he takes the one-way traffic of banter like a sponge. He’s the first one you break out the sharpie on after a few too many Jagerbombs and is just the perfect size to arrange a living room on top of, if human buckaroo is more your thing, you progressive fuckers. Yes, he’s an idiot, with comebacks about as sharp as a spoon and game about as stylish as Accrington Stanley, but he’s your idiot! And by God, you’ll defend him if anyone but the lads takes the piss.

Pros – You can quickly and seamlessly turn any unwanted abuse onto him. (Example; the lads are telling you how much they want to shag your mum, to which you reply, ‘fair enough, but let’s agree that we all really want to shag ‘BOAJ’s’ mum.’ The boys nod in agreement and you resume your pint, your mum’s honour intact).

Cons – He’ll probably want the ‘why don’t you respect me?’ chat, every few months. You’ll recognise that you probably give him a bit of a hard time and end it with an apology and a manly hug. Then you call him a cunt within 5 minutes of hanging out with the lads, to a rapturous applause - and the status quo is restored. 

The Guy Who’s Never Out

Classic example – The Prodigal Son (The Bible, dipshit)

Either he’s completely pussy whipped, a serial masturbator or maybe he just too cool to hang out with you pricks, but when he’s about, he’s greeted with complicated high fives and off the cuff wanders to the pub, abandoning all prior engagements (girlfriends anniversary, granddad’s funeral, doctors to get that lump on your bollock sorted). You’ll drunkenly swear to meet up more often and then take it in turns to one-up each other’s stories about the times you hung out with this awesome motherfucker, parading him around like some sick, fleshy trophy. He sits uncomfortably; glad he doesn’t see you more often.

Pros – He’s just awesome, remember that time when you all went camping and he did that cool thing and it was awesome? He doesn’t.

Cons – You lent him £30 for that trip to the pub and you probably won’t see him again for another 3 years. By that time the country has gone to the dogs, currency has depreciated in value and all £30 can buy you is a pack of skittles. The sly cunt planned this all along.

The Shit-Chatter

Classic example – Jay (The Inbetweeners)

You’re never quite sure why you hang around with this lad. Sure he’s a mate, but do you really care ‘what he should have said’ to those geezers at the last bar? Or that time he drank himself sober? Or when he freed all those sailors from the Somali pirates? You probably put up with him because your parents are all old friends and told you to let him hang around with you and the boys. Even back then he was liar, never shutting up about how his dad used to molest him, the little fibber!

Pros – It’s difficult to find anything good in this annoying little twat’s repertoire. Apparently he once had trials for Everton so he must be pretty good at football. Even though it’s unquestionably bullshit, we’ll give him that. Just.

Cons – He’s a bit of a prick.

The Girl

Elliot (Scrubs)

She’s a star isn’t she? The only one who, not only remembers it’s your birthday, but buys you a present too! She’s just one of guys really, but she smells better. You can honestly tell her how you’re feeling about life, your hopes and dreams and not live in fear that she’ll tell the fellas. And the best part is you don’t even fancy her, you’re just really good mates who enjoy each other’s company, regardless of gender. Then you get drunk and try to shag her. Bad move.

Pros – Girls won’t think you’re involved in a hideous human trafficking ring when they see one of their own, free of bruises and clearly not on heroin, acting comfortably in your ranks.

Cons – You can’t stop trying to shag her. Plus one week a month she goes a bit mental.

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So there you go. Sorry if I've dashed any conceptions of friendships you may have but maybe you just need to be a better judge of character! I guess this shows why I don't have any friends!