5 ways to put on a good band night

This one's going out to all the pub landlords who read Mindlesselfindulgences. I know there's a few of you out there so listen up.

There's a common thought that live music is truly suffering and venues are having a difficult time getting band nights on. Lazy people like to blame the internet and that it gives a forum to talentless wannabes that wouldn't have ever 'made it' without YouTube etc. These same people snipe away on forums, bemoaning the lack of decent venues in their towns. This doesn't help. There are plenty of ways to get live music back on it's feet but this blog is focused on the venues. I've given bands help before.

The landlord of a boozer with a decent size floorspace thinks that putting on a band night will help pull in a few punters on the normally quiet Tuesday night. S/he thinks that it will be easy, dusts off Saturday night's karaoke speakers and expects the bands to do the rest. Then they get angry when a band shows up and play to an empty room.

It's cost me more in electricity than I've made over the bar!

So how can this fat bastard make sure Tuesday becomes Woo-hoosday! (sorry, I'm so sorry about that one).

You'll recognise these guys from any bar - crooked back and nursing half a bitter.

1. If you build it, he will come.

Or not, if you allow your regulars to bully newcomers in your establishment.

This has nothing to do with your venues aesthetic or pissy odour. There are countless successful venues that on most other nights of the week are some of the roughest places in town.

It goes without saying that kids who can afford gear to be in a band are usually from fairly middle-class families as will their friends. They don't really care what the place looks like (the rougher the better, it makes them think they're rebelling against their parents and getting in touch with their bohemian side) but they won't appreciate the lout in the Ben Sherman shirt who's 10 blue WKD's down, demanding that the artsy folk band play an Oasis cover. Just because he's a regular and can get away with that kind of thing on a Saturday night, before he glasses someone and gets off with the village bike, the people who are behaving themselves and trying to watch the band will quickly go elsewhere once he gets verbally abusive.

One of the notable examples I can think of here was a venue that tried to get bands on after the Champions League games on a Wednesday night. They weren't exactly happy when us youngsters began setting up and loudly tuning instruments as they watched their 'local sports team' get battered by a much more flowing and box-to-box oriented Portuguese club.

I've heard of a venue that turned into a club immediately after a gig night. The bouncers told the band they had five minutes to pack up their gear and when they failed to do so they destroyed what remained by throwing it across the room.

Yeah, it's a tricky one. You don't want to push away your regulars who do put money behind the till but if you want your band night to be successful, it has to be an attractive offering for bands and customers who enjoy live music.

I don't have a clue what any of these buttons do, but if everything's on red, that's good right?

2. You don't do heavy metal in dobly

Sound is a tricky entity. However, it's a little more straight forward when you think of it like sight. If you put a concrete block in front of a band, you won't be able to see them. Sound is approximately one hundred percent better at going around corners than sight but that concrete block will still limit sound A LOT. Just sticking a band in a free corner, or up on a fenced off ledge is not the best way to fully appreciate good sound. Apart from being truly bad, nothing will drive bands or punters away than poor sound. How about trying to find the best acoustics in the room? Push the pool table back against the wall or something, don't be lazy, you only have to do it twice a week!

A decent sound guy is not hugely difficult to find and someone who understands the difference between laid back blues and an explosive instrumental band will help get the levels half sorted. Attention to bands, don't expect the sound quality of Wembley Arena in a shitty little pub, it's not happening. But out on the floor, so long as the crowd can sort of make out a distinction between the instruments and vocals, rather than a wall of noise, they'll be happy enough.

A decent PA really is the very least you should muster if you want to put on band nights. Just getting your karaoke speakers out won't do and if your nights are successful you'll start to make the couple of hundred for the PA in no time. You don't need monitors or to mic every guitar amp up, so long as the vocals and bass are covered, bands should manage.

Hey look! A good band!

3. Get some good bands

This one sounds the hardest but it really shouldn't be. As I mentioned so long as a band isn't completely dire an audience will nod their head and not begin hurling furniture at them. No one expects U2 at their venue but if you can get to grips with your local scene, finding 2-3 good bands every week shouldn't be a problem.

So long as petrol is covered, a couple of beers will satisfy most bands. Money is obviously even better but I think all but the douchiest of rock stars.

Easy, done - BOOM!

The guy in chip shop said he'd told everyone!

4. If you build it, he will come - part 2

No, he won't. Putting on a night without promoting is the equivalent standing naked in your windows with the curtains closed (everyone knows that's not how you do it!). Too many venues expect the band to bring in a crowd and yeah, it's half the battle. The band bring people in because they want people to watch them. The band couldn't give a shit if people aren't taking advantage of your generous 2-4-1 Smirnoff Ice deal at the bar.

I always wondered why venues insist on bringing 20 spectators. Chances are if you can attract 20 people, it's because they like your band. If they like your band, chances are they've seen you before. If they've seen you before, why not stay at home and have those 20 fans in your living room while you rock the fuck out?

If you want your band night to be well attended, you need to make sure people KNOW there is a band night happening. Even if it's just putting a chalk board outside the venue letting people know that there will some live music on that night. Oh yeah, I'm not sure if you're aware, but there's this massive thing called THE INTERNET that all the kids are using. Social Media quite simply is the way forward. People don't read the paper, hey most people don't leave the house if they don't have to. But between looking at cats being funnt and building up forearm muscles, people spend a lot of time on the internet so get involved.

Dollar dollar bill, y'all!

5. I would literally kick a panda in the face for a fiver

And finally, for the love of God don't charge the universal it's-not-too-much-but-enough-to-make-it-exclusive £5 entry fee. Dude, I could go and see some established bands with albums and t-shirts and little badges with their logo on for around £8. Sometimes bigger bands even put on gigs for free! A fiver is a lot of money especially when you wanna get shit-faced, pull and buy a donner on the way home.

Come on mate, you should be happy with the extra meat in the room. Don't take the piss.

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If you think this blog ended quickly... Guinness made me do it!

What Really Grinds My Gears #3

"Shouldn't you support someone like Cardiff or Swansea?"

The geographic ignorance towards Wales.

I know Wales is hardly a major player on the world scene. I can forgive a bit of ignorance when it comes to someone say from Brazil or India or even somewhere in Europe not entirely sure of whether Wales is a country or a region or a principality. However, it's fairly inexcusable when it's only one of your two bordering countries.

When I tell English people I'm Welsh, this is usually the conversation that follows...

"You don't sound Welsh"

Well actually there isn't a particularly strong twang on the North Wales coast, that's why my accent is a garbled kind-of-scouse-manc-welsh hybrid... Once you go a few minutes inland then there is a noticeable change in accents.

"Oh... I went to Cardiff once, is that near you?"

No, as I'm pretty sure I mentioned, I'm from North Wales. Cardiff is in South Wales. As I also referenced with regards to my accent, I'm actually closer to Liverpool and Manchester.

"But Wales is tiny I bet it only takes twenty minutes to get from one end to the other."

Yes, Wales is a fairly small country but still has around of over 3,000,000 people and the drive to Cardiff, while not huge on a distance scale, is marred by winding country roads and tractors round every corner.

"So you're from the Valleys then?"

No, they are also in South Wales and actually even on a Welsh scale are a fairly small part of our country

"Whatever, you're still a Taff!"

Again, no, I'd be a Taff if I was from South Wales, a reference to the river Taff which begins in the Brecon Beacons and joins the sea in Cardiff. If we're going to start name-calling, technically I'm a Gog. As in Gogledd Cymru which translates as North Wales, you English bastard. 

"Oh yeah, Welsh. That crazy language with no vowels."

Wrong again and don't steal jokes from Jimmy Carr. We actually have two more vowels than English and vowels are frequently used in Welsh despite those stereotypes.

And before you ask, when it comes to football, I support Manchester United.

"What?! Why don't you support Cardiff or Swansea?"

Look mate, as I mentioned, geographically I'm a lot closer to Manchester than I am to both of those places, and even closer still to Liverpool...  Do you want me to draw you a map?

"No, I'm alright,"

Well sit down and shut up because I'm doing one anyway!

So you see, I'm actually nowhere near Cardiff or Swansea.

"Well why don't you support Rhyl FC then?"

Come on, mate. You support West Ham because you're from East London but you were born closer to Leyton Orient. You chose West Ham because you're family supported them and they were the nearest big team. Same with me. While I still cheer when I see Rhyl doing well in the paper, I don't follow semi-pro football with any sort of enthusiasm.

"So do you know Paul Jones? He's from Wales."

No, do you know Jonathan Smith, he's from Lemington Spa. That's just up the road right?

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Seriously, I'm not expecting everyone to tell me the name of every town and village in Wales, I know that Newcastle is in the north of England and Portsmouth is in the south. Sort it!

Cymru am Byth!!!

Ryan Tunnicliffe profile

I wrote this for an application that decided to change it's mind and ask me to work for free instead of the £2000 a month it originally offered. I take it as a compliment that liked my writing but they can get fucked if they think they can get away with moving the goalposts like that.

I wrote it the day after Man Utd's win over Newcastle in the Capital One Cup which is why it is so time specific. Enjoy.

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Another transfer window came and went without the big name midfield signing that Manchester United fans crave. While Paul Scholes continues to dominate games with his vision and craft and Tom Cleverley's ever-improving performances, neither are the box-to-box midfielder who can really grab a game by the scruff of its neck.

Red Devils fans need look no further than City's Yaya Toure to see the kind of player who would leave their mouths watering. So, enter academy product Ryan Tunnicliffe, who came off the bench to replace Marnick Vermijl in last night’s Capital One Cup clash with Newcastle. Those who have watched him develop in the reserves over the past few seasons have admired his determination, his industry and his desire to get stuck in. This results in picking up a few yellow cards over a season but his protection of the back four and ability going forward have earned him comparisons to Roy Keane.

Despite a poor showing at Peterborough, where he was on loan for the majority of last season, Sir Alex Ferguson’s decision not to loan him out again could be seen as a sign that he plans to integrate him into the first team. These may prove tricky with Cleverley, Scholes and the impressive Shinji Kagawa as well as a host of squad players still ahead of him in the pecking order but whispers around Carrington suggest that he definitely has a part to play this season.

United have been crying out for this kind of player for years. While glances may be cast enviously at Man City and Toure, Tunnicliffe would provide a much cheaper option than Newcastle’s Cheik Tiote or Everton’s Marouane Fellaini as well as boasting another feather in the cap of United’s academy.

Forcing your way into a team like Manchester United is always tricky but Tunnicliffe must be feeling the time could not be better to capitalise on the dearth of hard-hitting defensive midfielders of his ilk.

To top off a happy day in the Tunnicliffe household, Ryan’s dad also collected a cool £10,000 having bet his son would play for Manchester United over ten years ago.

This Years Winner Is - Audiobiography - Review

I think it’s fair to say that This Years Winner Is has never lacked the confidence and belief that they have what takes to become a recognised band. Along with the obvious name references, their previous EP ‘In At The Weekend’ (which I reviewed on this very blog way back in February 2011 (READ THAT REVIEW HERE)) contained a very telling lyric on the track ‘Onwards to Onchan.’

‘This is the year that we make it or disappear.’

Well, make it they didn’t and disappear they almost did. While the EP was well received by various critics, music sites and fans alike, the wind in the sails of TYWI seemed to run out and they announced the dreaded hiatus that has spelt the doom of many-a-band (including my own).

With Dario Leonetti and Ashley Hogg replacing Ethan and Stu on guitar and bass respectively the band have definitely come a long way since ‘In At The Weekend.’ The new album ‘Audiobiography’ drops on October 22^nd and I have the pleasure of writing the first review IN THE WORLD!

And it’s been well worth the wait. It makes me think I was a little generous giving the previous EP such a high score because this is leagues ahead of anything TYWI have done so far. The gulf in progression between these two releases really is incredible.

One thing that has remained a constant high in all of TYWI’s previous work though, has been the drums. Once again, Darren excels and brings the whole thing together. I really cannot fault this guy. I’ve literally run out of superlatives of his quality and have nothing else to add. Seriously, just listen and you’ll get what I mean.

There are some marked improvements too. When ‘In At The Weekend’ came out, it was full of huge breakdowns and chugging verses. This was fine when the new wave of easycore bands like Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! and With The Punches were slaying over fans with the heaviest breakdowns pop-punk had ever heard but times are-a-changing and a song is no longer simply defined by who’s got the biggest breakdown. Never fear mosh fans, the breakdowns are still present in ‘Audiobiography’ but they feel much more organic rather than just being sandwiched in just to brootal your face off.

I also had a few minor criticisms about Elliot’s vocals in the previous effort but he has really stepped things up. The power and maturity he has developed is an incredible improvement and while there’s still an American-twang there, it doesn’t take anything away. I mean seriously, find me a pop-punk band that sounds truly British. His style has grown a definite bite to it and he spits off lyrics with effortless ease. The inclusion of the keys and synth add a really rich layer too.

A big shout also needs to go to Nick Scholey, with who the band recorded the album. It’s no coincidence that the production quality of TYWI’s tracks has improved from their earlier EP’s ‘Always Goes Down Smooth’ and ‘In At The Weekend’ and now to ‘Audiobiography.’ It seems that both band and the man behind the glass have been maturing their skills together and have now created what could be a lift-off point for them both. The sounds production of this album was so good it inspired me to go out and buy new headphones so I could enjoy the beauty of it in a higher definition of audio amazingness.

The easycore, pop-punk labels will inevitably lead to comparisons to Me Vs. Hero and Four Year Strong but I personally compare this album to something like New Found Glory’s ‘Coming Home’ album and there’s also just a good, solid ROCK sound to ‘Audiobiography’ that TYWI have been missing.  Guitar bands have a tough time ever breaking into a mainstream setting but with this awesomely cool rock edge, I genuinely feel this has potential of actually making an impact on the pop charts, albeit on the lower end of scale. That said, this would still be an enormous achievement for this band.

As I’m obligated from my reviewer’s standpoint, I’m going to have to find negatives and it’s a big ask. There are a lot of bands who use a shorter song to open the album and TYWI did just that with ‘Raise The Stakes’ on IATW. This is repeated on ‘Audiobiography’ with ‘On With The Show’ and while it’s a good song I don’t feel it’s entirely necessary. I think track two, ‘Let’s Not Do That Again’ more than showcases TYWI’s new sound and direction and I just feel that ‘On With The Show’ sounds more like their old efforts.

While the lyrics have sharply improved there are still a few classic pop-punk clichéd lines and several references to wishing wells that seem vaguely familiar from songs of the past but on the whole they’re solid.

That really is as much as I can say on the negatives as the rest of the album flies by completely loaded with awesome songs. Whether you’re after the punky verses of ‘Routes,’ the infectiously sing-a-long-able choruses of ‘Elements’ or Don’t Go Now or just want to thrash the fuck out to the breakdowns in ‘Better Altogether,’ then this album has to be on your radar.

On ‘Always Leaving…’ TYWI flex their industry contacts by roping in fellow Isle-of-Man’er Harry Radford from the Scottish/American/Manx post-hardcore outfit, Yashin and he and Elliot bounce off one another to create another great song. The only bit I don’t really dig is when Harry and Elliot do a kind of orgasmo vocal sign-off at the end. It just creeped me out a little.

While many may see living on a fairly isolated and rainy island limiting to a band’s progression, I’m of the belief that it can also motivate and inspire. Yeah, if TYWI came from the mainland maybe they would have already made a bigger impact on the UK scene but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they would be the same band. You see, there’s no half-arseing when you’re cut off. If you really want it then you have to work 

harder.

This really has to be the year they make it or disappear. If success was judged on how good your album is then TYWI would be making waves already. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy and the boys are going to have to work so hard if they want to make it happen for themselves. However, with this astonishing album behind them and the strong work ethic I know they possess, it is entirely possible that these boys could be sharing the stage with the likes of Kids in Glass Houses, Mayday Parade or even You Me At Six by the time the year is out.

I don't give a fuck, I'm giving this album a solid
5 out of 5

big woop, wanna fight about it?

This Years Winner Is... - Routes

The Simpsons - 'Tapped Out' Review

A hoi-hoi

Now, as my girlfriend will testify, I'm not one to let a game take over my life. But this game is life-sappingly worth it. And even better - It's FREE!

In 'Tapped Out' you are given the chance to rebuild Springfield after Homer goes and blows it up, the tubby fool! This is the game that every Simpsons fan has been waiting for. Sure, there have been Simpsons games before but they always been... how can I put it..? Pretty terrible.

But now players have the opportunity to build Springfield complete with the Kwik-E-Mart, Krusty Burger and Springfield Elementary and plop them just about wherever you feel. If you've had enough of Flanders' annoyingly chirpy 'Hi-diddly-hi neighborino' greeting, then instead of moving him next door to our favourite yellow family, you can put his house over by the nuclear plant or by Cletus' farm. Not me though. If you've ever wanted to build Springfield from the ground up, this is your game. It's almost a combination between Sim City and Farmville. Aside from characters and stores, there are plenty of references to the show that loyal fans will love.

Ah, the waiting game sucks, let's play Hungry Hungry Hipppos!

I compare it to Farmville due to the time-based nature of the game. Simply drop a house down, wait for it to build and levy some taxes. This results in levelling up and getting more money. I never really caught onto the whole Farmville thing. Sure, I had a go, but I quickly lost interest building a barn or finding a cow. Tapped Out is infinitely more satisfying as you know the characters and locations which makes you want to succeed. Levelling up results in unlocking more characters and buildings. Like games like Farmville and Cafe World, this is one addictive game. I know people who used to set alarms in the middle of the night to make sure their cakes hadn't burned or their chickens hadn't run away. While I'm not at that point yet, I can see a real possibility that I'm going wake up at four o'clock one morning to ensure Cletus can 'help Brandine give birth to another Spuckler' after he's been 'brewing moonshine.'

If you don't like your job you don't strike... You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed.

The reason this game while appeal to the masses is that casual players can play as much or as little as they choose with no effect on the game, while hardcore Simpsons fans can build Springfield they way they want it. However, I'll bet there aren't too many 'casual fans' who stay casual for too long, such is the addictive nature of this game.

Donut's; is there anything they can't do?

If you aren't one for waiting, then there is a way to speed building and working up. Donuts are a hard to come by but incredibly useful commodity. The game is monetized as players can choose to purchase more Donuts with real life money, something that I will never do, however tempted. Some items can only be unlocked with Donuts such as Hans Moleman, The Springfield Tire Fire or my favourite character, Hank Scorpio. £70 will buy you 2,400 donuts. That's a lot of money for a lot of virtual Donuts but that will probably see you complete the game in a day.

Oh, so they have the internet on computers these days...

There are a few cons with the game too... due to the large amount of graphics and data, they game is hosted on EA Servers so trying to operate the game without an internet connection is difficult and you're often confronted by a smug looking Bart Simpson unplugging a router. This is annoying but an inevitable prerequisite of a game this size.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat...

One annoyance I've found is that when you're in a rush and trying to cash in on your properties, the game becomes a little unresponsive. This has resulted in me using all my donuts, accidentally. Moving things like benches and trees etc is cumbersome and imprecise and I often find myself moving a whole house when I'm just trying to move a section of fence.

You don't win friends with salad!

The game boasts 'it's a social game for crying out loud,' and so it is. Adding friends via the Origin database allows you to visit friends towns to collect some money or to just be a nosy parker. I'm surprised the game hasn't got a gifting option where certain commodities can be given to friends. This was one of the more popular points of games like Mafia Wars and Farmville and aside from the small amount of XP you can gain, having a large collection of friends adds little.

I regret nothing!

Ultimately, this is a brilliant app, that is hugely playable with fantastic graphics and great soundtrack. With the depth of characters, buildings and scenarios we've seen in The Simpsons over the last 23 years means this game has a lot of room for updates which will keep fans and players happy for months to come.

Hey, maybe we could be Neighborino's! Find me on Origin at Tomrconwy

Guide To Action

Back on the blog...

Tom’s Expendables

This summer sees the release of one of the most anticipated action films ever and I’m not talking about Jurassic Park IV! The Expendables 2 hits screens in August and will feature some of the most bad-ass, hard-as-nails, stacked-as-fuck action stars to ever machine gun, cop-slide, break a man’s neck with inexplicable ease or splash into a dock before an explosion in a nearby derelict warehouse.

Now, I’m not sure who the casting director was, but if it was up to me Willis, Norris, Schwarzenegger and Stallone would be replaced by this crack team of hit-men...

Gallagher

Weapon of choice – a razor sharp tambourine

Catchphrase – “Live Forever” (in a drawled Mancunian tone before vaulting into a myriad of automatic rifle crossfire, unmapped minefields or a cockfighting pit to rescue a girl, an adorable puppy or pack of benny hedges).

Special skill – As a former roadie, Gallagher has experience of shifting heavy objects, making him the ideal man to set up defensive formations such as a sandbags, debris and barrels that explode with the slightest touch.

Despite having the tender ability to sing poetic, catchy songs, which indecently cheers the rest of the team up no end on their downtime, Gallagher’s no softy and has come to blows more than once, notably with his (evil?) brother Noel. An out of tune rendition of Wonderwall will leave him seeing red, flinging his tambourine indiscriminately, decapitating and maiming all those in his path, akin to Oddjob’s hat or strangling his enemies with a microphone lead. Gallagher’s one weakness is that he must wear sunglasses at all times (even indoors and at night) as the removal of said shades produces a dangerously unstable beam of energy that can cut through anything from suet to Dairylea.

Barton

Weapon of choice – Ninja knees

Catchphrase – “Good job I brought my shin pads” (after being warned of a possibly hostile situation).

Special Skill – His ever updated Twitter feed shows how clued up he is on the social media side of things, bringing in a much needed marketability and funds to a team who explode every car, speedboat or potentially profitable meth lab they discover.

Football’s most dangerous man never baulks in the face of authority, appropriately calling his former Jabba-The-Hut resembling boss Mike Ashley a “fat slug” and baked bean-headed former striker Alan Shearer “a shit manager with shit tactics.” Being a true patriot and with the impending third world war over the Falklands on the horizon, Barton has already taken it upon himself to tackle (a loose term) two of Argentina’s BIGGEST threats, Augero and Tevez. As well those aforementioned knees, Barton is a dab-hand with a lit cigar but ironically not so accurate with a football, with the most misplaced passes in the league last season, according to those super hardcore analysts at OPTA.

Ramsay

Weapon of choice – Knives

Catchphrase – “Done” (after slitting the throat of a poorly trained and educated Somali refugee who probably has a wife and children waiting for him at home).

Special skill – Sometimes those ration packs of hard biscuits and dried meat can get a bit stale so who better to have on the team than a celebrity chef? Armed with a selection of spices in his bandolier, now that wild pig the team butchered in the cold, rainy jungle can be properly seasoned.                                                                                                        

Swearing like a sailor is the ultimate mark of a true big man and this crazy mother’s even spent time been behind bars. And if you don’t think helping convicts start a cupcake business is hardcore, you ain’t got your priorities sorted. Ramsay truly DOES have his priorities sorted, even putting his own family aside when they stood in the way of business, particularly his arch nemesis father-in-law. A true master of disguise, Ramsay’s ever changing botox and facelift regimes keep him one step ahead of his enemies and his kinfework skills are lethal and precise, dicing up an enemy’s ball-bag like an onion. Ramsay swears in the face of danger, once being doused in petrol and held at gunpoint in Cuba before telling the baddies to “fuck off.” Probably.

Mitchell, Mitchell

Weapon of choice – A variety of tools, hammers and jump cables; attached to an enemy’s bollocks.

Catchphrase – Unnerving silence… and heavy, asthmatic breathing.

Special skill – If ever the jeep, apache helicopter or gun-car (a car made of a gun that shoots cars, obviously) ever breaks down, these two former mechanics can ensure every spark plug, machine gun or fire-spitting exhaust is fully operational after several deserved tea breaks and sausage butties.

Apart from marrying Sharon and running the Queen Vic (the team’s local), the bicep-clad, slap-headed brothers also share an innate telepathic understanding of one another, being twins (YES THEY ARE!). With an overbearing amount of brotherly love, both are willing to die for the other making the Mitchell brothers a formidable duo. They can crush their opponents with their bare hands and despite the worrying number of deaths in the small area of East London they inhabit; they’ve kept the Square clean of scumbags for years. Both have had their fair share of war wounds with Phil taking a bullet from a deceitful ex-wife as well as getting himself to crack, the silly billy. Grant has also been in the thick of it, standing toe-to-toe with drug cartels, gang members and Somali pirates and can rightfully hold the title of ‘definitely being harder than Danny Dyer.’

Cox

Weapon of choice – Defibrillator, surgical syringe, scalpel

Catchphrase – “Ok Nancy, you reheheheally need to cool down… because your immune system’s fucked and you’ll be getting pneumonia any minute… now” (After injecting an enemy with the AIDS).

Special skill – Every team needs someone medically trained to tend to flesh wounds, disembowelment and missing limbs and this quack just so happens to be a sarcastic, jacked-up bad-ass.

Not only would a medic give some much needed peace of mind to the rest of the team, the good doctor would have experience of going through reams upon reams of paperwork incurred from the chaos, destruction and expensive lawsuits served against the team for driving recklessly through wet streets into oncoming traffic or dangerously tackling a suspect through a fifth floor window after a rooftop chase; most probably leaving some innocent passer-by in a vegetative state for life. Cox has encountered death on numerous occasions so would have no qualms with ending the life on another, celebrating at times with a scotch. Cox harbours a revered hatred for the knife handed actor, Hugh Jackman and the two have fought many times, most recently in a steel cage.

Prescott

Weapon of choice – Fists

Catchphrase – “You’re toast, lad… mmm, toast” (Before eating his enemies).

Special skill – Winning’s great but sometimes it’s best to know when to stand down and who better to negotiate when you’re tied to a chair and soaked in gasoline than a former diplomat? Albeit, tact has never been Prescott’s strong point so prepare for some pretty severe burns. 

The former amateur boxing champ isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, notably launching a tirade of chubby punches at a man who threw a grenade/egg at him in my hometown (GET IN). Ever a man of luxury, old “two jags” doesn’t simply walk from place to place when he can enjoy the carnal pleasures of driving expensive sports cars, even when nipping down the shops for some milk, acting as the driver when called up to star in a gritty street race or jump off a bridge onto the deck of moving boat below. As with any action heartthrob, Prescott has had his fair share of trouble with the ladies, but rather than them turn out to be a seductress Russian spy, some have slapped a sexual harassment lawsuit his way. At least play by the rules and slit his throat in a jacuzzi on a space rocket, you miserable bitches!

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So keep an eye out for The Expendables 3, coming to cinemas near you NEVER! Featuring several unfit and out of breath men, jumped up pricks and blurred lines of reality and fiction. Seriously though, this would be one shit film!

Guide To Your Mates

Tom's Guide To Life is back after a lengthy absence!

Remember these handy, dandy lifestyle guides often contain some rather raucous language so if you are not of a strong disposition, look away now!

Tom's Guide To... Your Mates

Ah, your mates are the best aren’t they? Always there to call you a cunt, drop foreign objects in your pint or riffle through your mum’s knicker drawer. Those funny fuckers! But did you know, it’s been proven by science* that all groups of lads conform to the following groups?

*This may or may not be true.

If you’re thinking, I can fit my mates into nearly all of the categories except for that unsavoury character. Well my friend, that’s because it’s probably you.

The Smooth Operator

Classic example – Prince Harry

The ladies’ man, one handsome bastard with a sharp fashion sense and dance moves to match. While you’re with the lads, deciding whose shit-stained 50p is on the pool table, he’s schmoozing up the lovely behind the bar. While you’re content grinding up against some garden shed, he seems to have a harem of sexy girls orbiting him. He’s a handy asset to your squad though, acting like a Venus flytrap in a polo shirt, he lures unwary females over to your table. First impressions made, all that’s left is to flood pitchers of Cheeky Vimto down their necks until they think you’re as good looking and interesting as him. 

Pros – Wingman? He’s flying this fucking thing. Without him, you ugly mugs would have less chance picking up the hotties than an eskimo with a cold.

Cons – Your girlfriend almost certainly fancies him more than you.

The State

Classic example - Steve-O (Jackass) (Pre-sobriety)

And you thought you were hardcore? This mad fucker never stops! Come 4am you’re about ready for a taxi, a pitta full of dog meat and a nice warm bed to soil. He’s already talking about heading to the next club and meeting up for a beer and burger come lunchtime. You’ve reluctantly followed him on a night out before and ended up in a dingy basement flat, far from home, not knowing anyone while he’s locked in a room doing cocaine off a midget’s elbow. Meanwhile, scary men are threatening to ‘shank you’ unless you get in the den they’ve made out of living room furniture.

Pros – Always up for it. Just finished work? Let’s get a pint! Girlfriend dumped you? Let’s get a pint! Someone stole your kidney in an alley?...

Cons – He’ll probably end up addicted to a class-A drug, go to rehab, relapse and end up living in a crack-den. You’ll try and stay in touch at first but get frustrated every time he asks for a fiver for his fix.

The Guy Who Has A House.

Classic Example - Tom Cruise in Risky Business

When it’s too cold to sit on the swings, drinking cheap cider you’re normally at his house. Who cares if you burn ciggy holes in the sofa, mash Quavers into the carpet or let stray cats shit in his fridge? Here, there are no rules. All that’s left to do is fill every available space with beer, arrange a party to rival a Gipsy funeral via the internet and wait for the local news reporters to arrive.

Pros – If you’re sick on his floor you can just cover it in newspaper and let nature take its course.

Cons – His landlord will throw him out after the complaints about noise, illegal fight clubs and badger infestations that will inevitably result from your soirees. 

The Nutcase

Classic example – Francis Begbie (Trainspotting)

While you impress the ladies with your spot on MC Hammer moves, he stands on the side-lines, scanning the area for danger like some steroid-abusing meerkat. When someone innocently dances into you, he’s the first on the scene, neck veins pulsing, index finger pointing vigorously. The Nutcase definitely has his uses though. If those dick’eds who are getting fresh aren’t subdued by your Chinese burns and girlish slaps, he can step in, thus saving the day.

Pros – You feel more secure than a spunk-resistant Megan Fox in a prison for bukkake maniacs in this mad bastard’s company.

Cons – He starts more trouble than he prevents, the night ultimately ending with you face down on the concrete when the bouncers decide “someone looking at me funny” isn’t a good enough excuse to break a man’s head off the urinal.

The Butt of all Jokes

Classic example – Pancho (Dirty Sanchez)

He’s probably a bit short, a bit fat and a bit of a lightweight and he takes the one-way traffic of banter like a sponge. He’s the first one you break out the sharpie on after a few too many Jagerbombs and is just the perfect size to arrange a living room on top of, if human buckaroo is more your thing, you progressive fuckers. Yes, he’s an idiot, with comebacks about as sharp as a spoon and game about as stylish as Accrington Stanley, but he’s your idiot! And by God, you’ll defend him if anyone but the lads takes the piss.

Pros – You can quickly and seamlessly turn any unwanted abuse onto him. (Example; the lads are telling you how much they want to shag your mum, to which you reply, ‘fair enough, but let’s agree that we all really want to shag ‘BOAJ’s’ mum.’ The boys nod in agreement and you resume your pint, your mum’s honour intact).

Cons – He’ll probably want the ‘why don’t you respect me?’ chat, every few months. You’ll recognise that you probably give him a bit of a hard time and end it with an apology and a manly hug. Then you call him a cunt within 5 minutes of hanging out with the lads, to a rapturous applause - and the status quo is restored. 

The Guy Who’s Never Out

Classic example – The Prodigal Son (The Bible, dipshit)

Either he’s completely pussy whipped, a serial masturbator or maybe he just too cool to hang out with you pricks, but when he’s about, he’s greeted with complicated high fives and off the cuff wanders to the pub, abandoning all prior engagements (girlfriends anniversary, granddad’s funeral, doctors to get that lump on your bollock sorted). You’ll drunkenly swear to meet up more often and then take it in turns to one-up each other’s stories about the times you hung out with this awesome motherfucker, parading him around like some sick, fleshy trophy. He sits uncomfortably; glad he doesn’t see you more often.

Pros – He’s just awesome, remember that time when you all went camping and he did that cool thing and it was awesome? He doesn’t.

Cons – You lent him £30 for that trip to the pub and you probably won’t see him again for another 3 years. By that time the country has gone to the dogs, currency has depreciated in value and all £30 can buy you is a pack of skittles. The sly cunt planned this all along.

The Shit-Chatter

Classic example – Jay (The Inbetweeners)

You’re never quite sure why you hang around with this lad. Sure he’s a mate, but do you really care ‘what he should have said’ to those geezers at the last bar? Or that time he drank himself sober? Or when he freed all those sailors from the Somali pirates? You probably put up with him because your parents are all old friends and told you to let him hang around with you and the boys. Even back then he was liar, never shutting up about how his dad used to molest him, the little fibber!

Pros – It’s difficult to find anything good in this annoying little twat’s repertoire. Apparently he once had trials for Everton so he must be pretty good at football. Even though it’s unquestionably bullshit, we’ll give him that. Just.

Cons – He’s a bit of a prick.

The Girl

Elliot (Scrubs)

She’s a star isn’t she? The only one who, not only remembers it’s your birthday, but buys you a present too! She’s just one of guys really, but she smells better. You can honestly tell her how you’re feeling about life, your hopes and dreams and not live in fear that she’ll tell the fellas. And the best part is you don’t even fancy her, you’re just really good mates who enjoy each other’s company, regardless of gender. Then you get drunk and try to shag her. Bad move.

Pros – Girls won’t think you’re involved in a hideous human trafficking ring when they see one of their own, free of bruises and clearly not on heroin, acting comfortably in your ranks.

Cons – You can’t stop trying to shag her. Plus one week a month she goes a bit mental.

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So there you go. Sorry if I've dashed any conceptions of friendships you may have but maybe you just need to be a better judge of character! I guess this shows why I don't have any friends!

Find out what happened when I wanted a free Kit Kat

Since my Emails to the FA and Olympics went down such a storm, here is another example of me harassing hardworking people because I was bored and unemployed.

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I'll just get started with the emails, they put more eloquently into words more undying love for Kit Kat Chunky Peanut Butter.




For which I received two replies!



And then again the even better...

 

Now, I don't know who's in charge of Nestle's customer service but they seriously need to keep track of themselves and I ended up with twice as many Kit Kats, not that I'm complaining.

I also received a third reply but it was so boringly corporate and unimaginative that I couldn't be bothered putting up the picture. Seriously it sounds like it was written by an old dinner lady and didn't once bring up the topic of free Kit Kats the miserable old bitch!

Anyway, I replied quickly to both of these emails and generally played it cool. You know me...




Anyway, it was the second reply that interested me most, the so called 'box' of Kit Kats, I could have feasted my way to an early coronary or even better, I later learned that during the Challenge, boxes of Peanut Butter Kit Kats were being sold on E-Bay for upwards of £220.

Nestle were in regular contact with me over the next few days, organising a courier to bring my box over.

I'm going to break away from normal tradition and let Internet memes take over to display my surprise on arrival of my box. Or 'box.'






Wow...

This is not what I thought you meant when you said 'a box of Kit Kats.'

Cheers Nestle.........

So in the end I only got 4 Kit Kats (as the lady from the first email sent a bag of 3) but my journey wasn't finished there... Oh no...

If you remember from the first email I used my incredibly funny and inventive brain to come up with some slogans?

Well I was later asked by a company called The Big Kick (the advertising agency for Nestle) to come in and help thrash out ideas for another promotion. And they paid me a cool £100 per day and gave me a Kit Kat. Oh yeah!

Hey Nestle, you keep chopping down the rainforest and slitting Orang-utan's throats. You keep paying me that money and I'm your guy!




There's the money-shot.

What Really Grinds My Gears #2

After the mass popularity of my last grinds my gears segment in which I massed a total of one reply, it's time so a second instalment!

Do you know what really grinds my gears?




"I'm just going to nip out for a fag"
Smokers taking loads of breaks
We all love taking a break in work, me more than most, but at the same time when it really comes down to a hard, busy shift, I get stuck in and work my arse off. What a legend! At the same time, getting a sneaky half hour break does come as a welcome relief, busy or not.
So why then, in the eyes of society, does a person who smokes get to take the piss and take 4-5 fag breaks during a busy shift? Why do they get more time to relax than a non-smoker life myself? This doesn't seem fair.
A smoker would challenge this by saying something ridiculous like, "I need a cigarette to work properly." Fuck you, you don't 'need' one, you 'want' one. Ok, nicotine addiction is both physical and mental but I think even the most hardened of 'users' for lack of a better word can manage to work an hour without needing a cigarette. If not, you got a problem buddy.
And why is someone who is addicted to a nicotine allowed to pursue their own recreational habit when someone else isn't? If I was a recreational cocaine user would I be given the same 5 minutes free to take a sneaky line of the cistern in the gents? In a less extreme version, can you imagine the look of horror on a customers face is you cracked a can of lager, downed it in 5 minutes and went back to doing your job? Why doesn't the sight of a member of a workplace receive the same interest if they are smoking?


In some jobs I've been given the opportunity to take 5 minutes here and there to get a bit of fresh air, but only because I've asked. In other places I've been given a look of complete bemusement as if I'm trying to make a hilarious joke. What, you're serious?! 
This isn't a blog to have a go at smokers (mate fill your boots, enjoy it), or even at those who take a fag break (except the ones who really do take the piss, have a chat, read the newspaper). Why do workplaces allow freedoms to smokers that are deprived to those who don't smoke? Discuss

Find out what happened when I challenged for Olympic Gold

I'd remained sceptical about the forthcoming London Olympics for a number of reasons. I think the astronomical cost of all the new infrastructure and other amenities will far outweigh the tourism and sponsorship booms that may result from it. The fact that we're still relying on Indonesian children sewing our Olympic merchandise, when there are children in Leeds ripe for exploitation shows how we are still to heavily dependent on pinching pennies. In all seriousness, that an American company was chosen to print all the Olympic tickets over the multitude of printing businesses on our own shores shows how the organisers could care less about boosting the British economy.

Oh, and that shirt in the picture gave me a blister while I was playing volleyball! The child labourers of the grim North would never have let something as serious as jogger's nipple past their screening.

The Olympics isn't supposed to be about money, it's about the athletes. Anyone can be an achieve their goals if they really set their mind to it, especially in the Western World, where AIDS, starvation and an eight year old with an AK-47 won't ruin a good training montage.

With this in mind, I approached the board of Olympics with an offer they could not refuse (spoiler alert: they did).

To which I received what I feel was a very prompt and warm reply from the British Olympics Association.

Note the very sincere 'best of luck' quote.

Not to be perturbed I sent the same email to the Football Association and after waiting for ages they sent me this very curt message.

Hm... it's a bit corporate and doesn't really explain how Andy Carroll made the Euro squad but at least they offered some critical advice which I undoubtedly took and replied with this.

Only to receive this reply.

I mean come on, the miserable bastards. You would of thought the FA could take a joke, after all, just look at their recent spending strategy with Capello.

After this break away I didn't respond. I felt let down by my own nation and felt the Olympics would be better off without me. Maybe I wasn't ever meant to show the world my unbelievable tekkers. The dreams of a nation may have fallen on one man's shoulders, a true underdog story, played out over 90 minutes. Instead they were cruelly cast aside by the big boy bullies at the FA.

Still, I'll only be 29 when the next Olympics come around, the prime for a footballer, so will try again then and hopefully have an Olympic gold medal to show to strangers on the bus and put above the fireplace between the Technology Award I won in year 6 (and never gave back) and the photo of me and Bepe from Eastenders.

Roy Hodgson and England - Time for a change?

With Roy Hodgson now at the reins for England, can the fans expect a change ahead of Euro 2012?

With so little time to experiment before the tournament, I suspect not. Fabio Capello, in a bid to rejuvenate the squad that had capitulated in South Africa, had given chances to youngsters such as Tom Cleverley and Adam Johnson, as well as unsung players who deserved their chance, such as Bobby Zamora and Scott Parker.

This will be the first time I can remember England going into a major tournament where the press aren't expecting the to Three Lions triumph (although I'm sure a large portion of the media will jump on the England bandwagon closer to the time) and this could be exactly what England need.

People have said that Roy Hodgson brings the best out of mediocre players and does not have the experience managing bigger superstars. At the end of the day, this is what the England team currently are and maybe Hodgson is the perfect candidate. Maybe not for the long-term, but to help England through a respectable European Championship and guide them to the World Cup in Brazil, blooding in the raw, young talent that could potentially grow into a fantastic team.

Critics feel that under Hodgson, like Capello, England will play 'boring' football. With the current crop of players, especially in midfield who have a knack at retaining the ball and soaking up pressure, I feel this may be just what England need. Add to this the explosive speed of the wingers like Theo Walcott, Aaron Lennon and Ashley Young to launch counter attacks, which will be especially important while without Rooney for the first two games, who Hodgson has said will definitely be in his squad.

I propose England play a 4-3-2-1 formation, utilising a steady, 3-man midfield and wingers playing high up the park, supporting a lone striker. This will be tricky without Rooney and the squad I believe should be on the plane for Poland/Ukraine does not include another striker quite like the Man United hit-man.

Have a look at my squad of 23 players. With two games of the season remaining, injuries may change this list.

I feel between the sticks is a no brainer. A position that would have once been a headache of an England manager is well and truly sorted with Joe Hart thoroughly establishing himself as England's No. 1. The Manchester City stopper is one of England's few world class players and an easy pick. With Hodgson at the helm, I believe Ben Foster will end his self-imposed exile and return to the England fold after proving himself to be a very capable goalkeeper over the last two seasons. The wealth of options for third choice goalie, who will only appear if the very worst of injuries occur, would be Scott Carson. While I haven't kept up with Bursaspor's form this season he has been named in the past few England squads and has possibly done more than John Ruddy or Robert Green to earn his place.

Defence will be tricky. As much as John Terry and the very public racial allegations continue to haunt him, he is still my first choice centreback for England, however, not wearing the captain's armband. I feel Rio Ferdinand's end of season form and vast experience also earns him a call-up but I feel Terry's Chelsea partner, Gary Cahill will be the preferred option at the back. Whether Rio and Terry will see eye-to-eye is still a very concerning debate. My final centreback place goes to Manchester City's Joleon Lescott who has been overlooked in the past but has looked confident and assured throughout the season. Manchester United's young duo Phil Jones and Chris Smalling have both tailed away in the latter half of the season, while Michael Dawson and Ledley King have failed to rediscover form after injuries. Phil Jagielka still does not look comfortable in an England shirt.

Ashley Cole still retains his place at left back and Tottenham's Kyle Walker just gets the nod ahead of Micah Richards for the first choice right back position. Richards is still deserving of a place in the squad and can also fill in a centre back if necessary. Leighton Baines would be my backup left back and I doubt there are many that could argue with these selections. The form of Newcastle's Danny Simpson earns him an honourable mention but not a place on the team, while Glen Johnson has had a poor season with Liverpool.

The England midfield has been a bone of contention for many years. Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard cannot play together in midfield but both make the cut. Lampard's form this season has been solid, if unspectacular. Gerrard just makes the team as I feel it would be good for the younger players to have Liverpool skipper in the squad. It will be a selection headache for Hodgson and I have picked Gerrard ahead James Milner. This was a tough choice as Milner's versatility is a strong part of his game but Gerrard is still a very capable player and can offer England different options while maybe not over a full 90 minutes. I have given other central midfield berths to Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick and my England captain, Scott Parker. Both Barry and Carrick have had great seasons and I feel it would be a disgrace if Carrick was not selected. Injuries to Jack Wilshere and Jack Rodwell rule them out, while Tom Cleverley has not played enough games to merit a place. I do feel all three of these players will have a large part to play in England's future.

I feel it will be on the flanks England have their best chance of achieving success. Despite his inconsistencies, I have selected Theo Walcott who just gets the nod ahead of his Arsenal team-mate Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who is still too raw and inexperienced for a big tournament. Tottenham's Aaron Lennon can operate on either wing but I feel Ashley Young would be a better starter, bringing Lennon on as a substitute to wear down weary opponents. There is no room in the squad for Stewart Downing or Adam Johnson while Scott Sinclair and Matt Jarvis deserve to be mentioned for consideration.

With Wayne Rooney missing the first two games, my 4-3-2-1 formation suffers but I still feel it can work. Danny Welbeck has led the line at times for Manchester United, while Rooney drops back, and has done it effectively so he gets the nod up front until Rooney returns. Peter Crouch has been in sterling form for Stoke this season and should be used as an impact substitution to turn a tie if time is running out. My final place goes to Chelsea's pacey forward, Daniel Sturridge who can also play in the advanced winger role as he does for the Blues. I would have loved to include Grant Holt in this selection as his Premier League performances this season have earned him a call-up. However, it would be reckless of Hodgson to include him in his final squad but I feel he should be given a chance to prove himself in the upcoming friendlies against Norway and Belgium. Jermain Defoe has never impressed me for England but could get the nod ahead of either Sturridge or Welbeck to counter the Rooney issue while Darren Bent's decision to rule himself out of Aston Villa's remaining ties, on the brink of relegation, to focus on the Euro's is disgraceful. Bobby Zamora has not had a great season while Swansea's Danny Graham is not good enough at the top level. Talk of Andy Carroll's inclusion in the squad is laughable.

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My team is interchangeable, with Gerrard able to come in for Lampard, Barry for Carrick, Ferdinand for Cahill etc. Rooney's inclusion is based on his return from suspension, with Welbeck or Crouch leading the line until then.



Joe Hart

             Kyle Waker    John Terry    Gary Cahill    Ashley Cole

                  Scott Parker     Frank Lampard   Michael Carrick

                         Theo Walcott                   Ashley Young

Wayne Rooney

While I feel that this team is not hugely different to the one that disappointed in South Africa and reverting to many of the 'Golden Generation' may seem negative, I feel England should mix youth with experience and hopefully for fans, impress at a tournament where they are expected to fail.

Would you change anyone in this squad?

1. Joe Hart

2. Kyle Walker

3. Ashley Cole

4. Steven Gerrard

5. Rio Ferdinand

6. John Terry

7. Scott Parker

8. Frank Lampard

9. Wayne Rooney

10. Peter Crouch

11. Ashley Young

12. Micah Richards

13. Ben Foster

14. Theo Walcott

15. Gary Cahill

16. Michael Carrick

17. Leighton Baines

18. Daniel Sturridge

19. Gareth Barry

20. Aaron Lennon

21. Danny Welbeck

22. Joleon Lescott

23. Scott Carson