Support for Internet Piracy

During my lovely holiday naptimes (come 4 o'clock after a busy day sunbathing, eating a heavy lunch with as many free alcoholic beverages as you like, you need a nap) I checked out BBC World Service to check what I was missing out on in the world.

Cue SOPA and PIPA. I'm sure there's much more to the issue, but from my point of view, it seems like the media execs are getting pissed because I can log onto MegaUpload and watch the new Twilight film (THEY'RE REALLY GOOD, OK?) for free. This means everyone from Summit Entertainment and Edward to the Best Boy and the Gaffer ain't getting no money. Poor fuckers.

This is unsurprising really as all of those people look to make as much money as possible for no other reason than they like counting it and piling all into little gold doubloons in a vault somewhere, dress up in an old fashioned bathing suit and dive into it, a'la Scrooge McDuck.



But what I was really surprised and almost ashamed with, were the small creative people who were supporting this vile act of illegal oppression. There was an author who claimed her books were had leaked on the internet and were available for free online and she wasn't making enough money. An Indonesian film maker who made a documentary about the life of Barack Obama as a child and that he had no support in trying to remove it from streaming through the internet, notably it's availability on YouTube.

As a creative sort myself it would make sense for me to but in support of this piece of legislation, right? WRONG! Back in the day of Leucine, we made a little 4-track EP called Step One: Proceed. And still to this day I think, 'man, that EP is fucking well good!' We went about getting our EP on all the normal outlets for music (iTunes, Amazon as well as physical copies). To this day, nearly 3 years later, I think we probably sold around 120 units of that CD through physical copies and online MP3 downloads.

At the same time we flooded the internet with it from a single Rapidshare root and within a year we had over 15,000 downloads. That was from just one source, not people who had downloaded it and then uploaded it themselves. I have absolutely no idea how many downloads it has had in total today but from I'll estimate and say 20,000.


YOU CAN DOWNLOAD IT HERE, COS I'M SO NICE

So, the question is, would I prefer the money from 120 people? Or would I prefer 20,000 people to hear my music? At the end of the day, I was in a band because it was fun and create something fun.

Creativity is an expression of yourself; that you have created something you are proud of, no matter what other people think.

To the women author who supported the new laws, maybe if you let a few of your books slip through the cracks you'll gain a bigger presence and more people will buy them. The fact I didn't know who you were or that I can't even remember your name speaks volumes that you can't expect everyone to buy your books.

To the Indonesian film maker. Are you not happy that your film has exploded into a position where it is much more visible to wider audience? I can't imagine independent films from Indonesia have big marketing teams behind then and after all, surely the reason you made a film was so someone would watch it, right?


I'm a massive cunt and only care about MONEY!!!!


When did theses creative people become such sellouts? Why do you feel that you are owed financial consideration, is making someone enjoy a good book or film or an EP not the reason why you decided to express yourself in the first place? Did Da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa because he new he was getting a big fat wedge out of it? Did Shakespeare write all of his work so that he could buy a new landau carriage, get it lowered and ride around on the pussaaay patrol?

Yes, there needs to be something in place that ensures small time producers do receive some form of protection but to the Hollywood execs and media moguls. You can go and fuck yourselves! Even in a recession and a time when cinema and music sales are dropping, directors, actors and musicians are making more money than ever. There was one time Leucine did get snotty with the availability of Step One: Proceed and that was when we found an Uzbek website selling our songs. Whether they actually sold any, I'll never know (I know we rarely did) but we sent a few strongly worded emails courtesy of some of our legal savvy friends and the situation was resolved.

You need to get with the fucking times and think of a new way to market yourselves instead of relying on tired, lazy techniques. The internet has changed everything, including copyright laws.



Here's an example, it may be wrong so don't quote me. The band Thursday, fronted by Geoff Rickly. Thursday were a moderately sized band and in 2009 Geoff apparently earned a meagre $10,000. This is just a fact, he didn't complain about it, I'm just pointing it out that $10,000 when you haven't released an album in that year, when your label supports you financially when you're on tour, when you wake up every day and realise you get to be in a band, FOR YOUR JOB, then earning $10,000 a year ain't half bad. As I said, Geoff never moaned about this, it was just mentioned that he had only earned this amount.

The upside of this oppression is that it will ensure the survival of internet piracy for the foreseeable future. Remember when Napster was shut down? Did that stop music piracy? No, in fact if Napster hadn't been shut down then the pirates probably would never had innovated as well as they have done, where we can now download a high quality album in a matter of seconds.

SOPA and PIPA have, for the time being, been postponed and I'm confident MegaUpload, with it's deep pockets and trove of highly skilled lawyers, will be back on it's feet in no time. And it better hurry up, I haven't seen Family Guy in weeks!



One last thing, I don't really like the Twilight films. They're shit. I really can't stress that enough.

Guide To Weddings

A while back I wrote a few features for magazines and sent them away. Heard nothing back so thought I'd post them up here in a new feature for this blog called...

Tom's Guide To Life

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

I wrote these for magazines like FRONT so as you'd expect there's a host of profanity as well as casual references to unprotected sex and excessive class A drug use. I really can't stress enough that if these AWESOME things upset you, you won't want to read this post.

Also, I have edited these since sending them. I'm not quite egotistical enough to send national magazines pieces entitled Tom's Guide To Life. Don't hate.

Tom's Guide To - Weddings

It is most definitely wedding season. Up and down the land, people were caught up with the friskiness of Spring; drinking al fresco, blowing dandelions and saying fuck it to a jonny, I’m riding bareback!

And instead of shamefully bringing up any bastardized offspring into this cesspit of a world, already full of crack-whores, Colombian drug cartels and violent meerkat gangs, the lucky girl’s dad screamed SHOTGUN WEDDING. And guess what? We’re all invited!



1. The Service

No longer is church a place where you have to sit still, do up your top button or listen to the vicar. Nowadays you can crank your iPod to 11, heckle the service (does anybody see fit to why these two shouldn’t be joined? Be THAT guy) and say ‘fuck the top button, I’m not even wearing a tie!’

Extra points – Tell obscene jokes to the vicar and jest him with tales of the bride’s infidelity. He’ll get it, the child molesting old bastard.



2. The Middle bit
You’ve been to the church, given the photographer directions to somewhere else (just to be super helpful), now’s the time to get stuck into as much free shit as you can. If there’s a free bar, chances are it won’t last all night so order at least 10-15 cold ones as soon as you get there. Buffet? You need to get to the front of that fucker even if it means taking out the bride, flower girls or grandma Jean and her UV drip. You’re gonna need some stamina to keep going all night and the Iceland chicken drummers and sausage rolls should do the trick.

Extra points – Tell the venue owner the bride’s family are Gipsies and they should think about getting the car park cleared before the caravans arrive.



3. The Party
The brides about the throw the bouquet? Catch that fucker and run like the wind. What’s the worst that could happen? You can sheepishly give it to the girl you think’s the fittest. The best? Getting crushed beneath several desperately single women in low cut dresses.

Everyone loves a good knees up and if any film I've seen ever is to go by, women are at least 8 times hornier at a wedding. If the venue is an elaborate mansion, take her to a flash bedroom in the east wing. If it’s a pub the bride’s uncle owns, take her out round the bins.

Extra points – Bridesmaids. You end up with one of these and you’re practically part of the family. Just make sure she’s over 18, you sick fuck!

--------------------------

The Guests


I wanted RED napkins. CALL THE FUCKING THING OFF. HE'S A USELESS CUNT!

The Bride – Seriously, you want to have fun and everything, but don’t cross this bitch! Even though she’s stealing your friend it’s advisable to keep as far out of her way as possible. Sure, she seemed friendly enough when you took over your amazing gift you got from the petrol station on the way from the church, but this is her day and if it was up to her, your seat would have gone to someone else.


I hope she's ok with the red napkins...

The Groom – Poor fella, he keeps a brave face but lets her do most of the talking (I suppose he better get ready for married life). He wants to join you outside for a beer but she’s already dragging him off to meet up great-aunt Mabel to check if her colostomy bag needs changing and say thank you for the blender he'll never use. Between his wife, his proud parents and that tit-of-a-best man, he’s too busy for you.


Which strapping young man is going to dance with me? I've checked with the husband, the threesome's on!

Mother-of-the-bride – She’s probably wearing a ridiculous hat, had a few strong brandies and is dancing too proactively for a woman of her age but that’s not an excuse to try and shag her. Even if she says she remembers you coming over when you were little and eating out of her biscuit tin, that’s not a euphemism.


Pack it in, lads. We're all having a good time here but if you wreck my daughters day I'll cut your fucking head off!

Father-of-the-bride – Red face, angry expression and neck veins pulsing, this is one angry dad. Not only has he lost his little girl to some twat who, the night before woke up in a skip, covered in vomit with a strippers minge on his elbow. Now he has to deal with all you fuckers shaking his hand and patting his shoulder basically saying ‘congrats, your daughters going abroad to get fucked every day for two weeks’. He remembers when you put that footie through his greenhouse and he sees the way you look at his wife.


I love you Gary, I do! Run away with me like we promised. Please, Gary! PLEASE!

Best Man – A complete sack of shit, acting like it’s a funeral because he’s lost his best friend, the pussy. He was acting a right chief at the stag do, making you all dress up in stupid shit and he’s at it again on the day. His speech was shit and full of inside jokes you didn’t get. You just hope he gets so drunk he’ll start verbally abusing the bride.


Lads...

Bridesmaids – Will have been put in a shitty dress to make the bride look better so will be doing everything they can to steal her thunder. Bridesmaids are at least 4 times hotter just for being bridesmaids (Maid of Honour is 8 times) and there is extra kudos if you bed one of these than some run of the mill fitty.


Right boys, you know the drill. Now who's gonna take a shit on the wedding cake?

Ushers – Trusted enough to have been given responsibility but will be scorned that they weren’t asked to be best man. These lads will also be up to no good. You’re on the same page when it comes to free shit and the ladies so work like the wolfpack you are!


I've had three J20's and I'm smashed!

The 15 year old brother – Give the kid a break, he’s been drinking champagne all day, he thinks he can dance and he’s trying it on with a slammin’ hotty. You’ve already built up that layer of trust and he’s thinks you’re a dude from that one time you played X-Box with him. All that’s left is to teach him your wisdom of women and tell him it’s his round over and over again.


I just want to eat sugar!

Little Kids – There’s always kids at a wedding, scurrying around like vermin underneath tables. But these anklebiters can have their uses. If there’s anything that’s too outrageous even for you, you can bribe a small child with cake, alcohol or something else their mum said they weren’t allowed to have and command them to do your evil handiwork. May I suggest a cocktail sausage through the fly? Comedy gold!