Best 11 Outside Top 6

Here's a fun game I just invented! Pick your starting 11 + 7 subs (if you like), without using players from Man Utd, Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool, Tottenham or Arsenal. Can you do it? Are you up to the test? Who knows!

Only 3 players from one team, sheeple!

I've done mine and I'm going to show it you. A few things to let you know, I'm going off the players form in the last 2 seasonsish... not how good they have been before that or how could they might become and I've also limited the number of players from the promoted teams unless they were already established Premier League players. Just to let you know, I've purposefully not including Gary Cahill or Adel Taarabt in my starting eleven as they will probably move clubs in the next transfer window. Let's go!

Goalkeeper


Name: Shay Given
Club: Aston Villa
Nationality Republic Of Ireland
Tom's accurate valuation £7,500,000

Shay Given is a great goalkeeper who I think could have played for a bigger team than Newcastle. Given signed for Villa from Man City for a reported £3.5 million after losing his place in the starting line up to Joe Hart. Had he been at a club where money is not an option, I feel his pricetag would have been much more inflated for a very established Premier League player.

Right Back


Name: Ryan Taylor
Club: Newcastle United
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £6,000,000

Ryan Taylor has been a solid right back for the last few seasons and has really helped Newcastle steady themselves since their return to the Premier League, especially given their recent defensive injuries. I found this position the hardest to cover, finding it hard to find a quality right back outside the top 6.

Left Back


Name: Leighton Baines
Club: Everton
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £25,000,000

No question about this choice, an absolute concrete decision. Baines has been nothing short of superb since his move to Goodison from Wigan and it has earned him several England caps as well as the attention of some of the top clubs. Whether Man City will test cash strapped Everton's resolve remains to be seen.

Centre Back


Name: Brede Hangeland
Club: Fulham
Nationality Norway
Tom's accurate valuation £10,000,000

Hangeland is a solid defender and has been linked to Arsenal for several of the last few seasons and his solid form is the reason for this. It looks now like Hangeland might see out his career with The Cottagers, where he was instrumental in the team that got to the Europa League final in 2010.

Centre Back


Name: Ryan Shawcross
Club: Stoke City
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

Many will dispute Shawcross's inclusion due to the incident with Aaron Ramsey but I don't feel it was anywhere near deliberate. Shawcross has been included in England squads but has never taken to the field but I believe he will be a regular face on the international scene. His form at Stoke has helped turn them into Premier League regulars, not the relegation candidates many tipped them to be.

Right Wing


Name: Matt Jarvis
Club: Wolverhampton Wanderers
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £7,000,000

Jarvis has not quite played with the same impressive form that earned him his first England cap last season but has still impressed this season. Wolves would definitely lacking creatively without him and hope that interest from several Premier League clubs will not try to sway him in January.

Left Wing


Name: Chris Brunt
Club: West Bromwich Albion
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £5,500,000

The Albion captain has been very impressive for The Baggies since their return to the Premier League and has thrown in some captain's performances, scoring vital goals. Since his move from Sheffield Wednesday in 2007, Brunt seems very much at home at The Hawthorns and may look to see out his career with the club.

Defensive Midfield


Name: Joey Barton
Club: Queens Park Rangers
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £7,000,000

Barton moved for to QPR for free in the summer but mainly due to being forced out from Newcastle after publicly criticizing owner Mike Ashley and not a slight on his ability. Barton was also rumoured to be joining Arsenal but his sending off against the Gunners scuppered any deal. His ability and creativity have helped QPR seemingly already achieve Premier League survival this season.

Attacking Midfield


Name: Clint Dempsey
Club: Fulham
Nationality USA
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

I feel Dempsey is one of the best midfielders in the Premier League. His attacking form and goalscoring speaks for itself. He was Fulham's top scorer last season and leads the Cottagers scoring charts again this year in a team that boasts attacking talents including Bobby Zamora, Andy Johnson and Moussa Dembele. I'm feel a team like Arsenal or Liverpool would be a great move for him.

Striker


Name: Demba Ba
Club: Newcastle United
Nationality Senegal
Tom's accurate valuation £15,000,000

Prolific. This is the only word I can use to describe Ba and his goal to game ratio in the Premier League speaks for itself. I was surprised when he left West Ham he didn't goal to a bigger team and he must have had a relegation release clause in his contract which allowed him to move for £0. He has more than replaced Andy Carroll in my opinion.

Striker


Name: Darren Bent
Club: Aston Villa
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £25,000,000

While his recent form has come under criticism, Bent's combined transfer fees have made him the most expensive British player and this is due to his goals. His reasons to leave Sunderland for Villa were to play in a team with players such as Ashley Young and Stuart Downing. Both have now left and it is rumoured Bent is considering his future.


Substitutes


Name: Ali Al-Habsi
Position Goalkeeper
Club: Wigan Athletic
Nationality Oman
Tom's accurate valuation £4,000,000

Name: Roger Johnson
Position Defender
Club: Wolves
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £6,000,000

Name: Stephane Sessegnon
Position Midfielder
Club: Sunderland
Nationality Benin
Tom's accurate valuation £8,000,000

Name: Cheik Tiote
Position Midfielder
Club: Newcastle United
Nationality Côte d'Ivoire
Tom's accurate valuation £15,000,000

Name: Peter Odemwingie
Position Striker
Club: West Bromwich Albion
Nationality Nigeria
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

Name: Junior Hoilett
Position Striker
Club: Blackburn Rovers
Nationality Canada
Tom's accurate valuation £6,000,000 (due to contract expiring in June)

Name: Steven Fletcher
Position Striker
Club: Wolves
Nationality Scotland
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

Misfits Series 3 VIDEO REVIEW

I'm getting with times. Reading's for chumps so I've taken the liberty of forcing my opinion down your throats via Dailymotion (YouTube are fucking Nazi's and kept taking it down). Never fear, you cannot escape the opinions!


Misfits Series 3 Review by TomRowleyConwy
Getting interactive on yo' ass!

If it says Channel 4 have been nob's then get on THIS LINK

10 Albums That Are Well Good!

A few weeks ago The Academy Is... called it day. Thrice then said they were also taking an indefinite hiatus and then the following day, New Jersey emo quintet Thursday also announced it was the end of the road. With so many bands that got me into alternative music finishing, I wanted to put together a little tribute to some awesome bands, with the prestigious 10 Albums That Are Well Good Award!

These aren't neccesarily the bands like Green Day, Blink, Weezer, KoRn etc who got me into alternative music, just the albums that I was blown away by when I was growing up and probably define who I am (...so gay). Anyway, in no particular order, feast your ears on these!


Taking Back Sunday
Tell All Your Friends
2002
Victory Records


Just amazing. I don't think TBS have ever managed anything as good as this since. I remember hearing 'Cute Without The E' for the first time and being blown away! I love the Brand New digs in 'There's No I In Team' and it's overall just an amazing album!

My Favourite Track - Cute Without The E


Thursday
Full Collapse
2001
Victory Records

Say what you want about Thursday but without them we wouldn't have so of the awesome bands we have today. Geoff Rickley is amazing and a proper inspiration to other artists. It combines just enough high school angst with powerful messages so it's not too whiney or too preachy. Spot on!

My Favourite Track - Autobiography Of A Nation


Underoath
They're Only Chasing Safety
2004
Solid State Records

First proper screamy band I got into having tried to get away from the metal I liked as a kid. Both vocalists are amazing and got me into other wicked bands like From Autumn To Ashes. Aaron Gillespie has gone onto start The Almost who are also a band worth giving a listen to!

My Favourite Track - A Boy Brushed Red Living In Black And White


Emanuel
Soundtrack To A Headrush
2005
Vagrant Records

What a band! This album was so good and took my ages to find downloading track by track on KaZaa or whatever I was using back them! I still listen to the tracks on this album now and it's a shame their second album was so bad and they have since split up.

My Favourite Track - Hotline


Finch
What It Is To Burn
2002
Drive-Thru Records

When Finch disbanded in 2006 I was gutted. I guess I took them for granted and it was a shock when they broke up because I hadn't seen them live. Luckily for me, they reformed and I did see them at Give It A Name a few years later but it looked they had lost some of the momentum from their first stint. A new album has been in the pipelines for ages but nothing more than a quick EP has been released yet. Either way, I'm not expecting much.

My Favourite Track - Perfection Through Silence


Funeral For A Friend
Casually Dressed And Deep In Conversation
2003
Atlantic/Mighty Atom Records

Gotta have some Welsh boys in here and with the exception of Hours, FFAF just aren't the same band anymore. It's a shame and I don't really know many people who like the new Funeral but they chose to evolve. At least they left some wicked early EP's and albums so people can here where they really came from.

My Favourite Track - She Drove Me To Daytime Television


Brand New
Your Favourite Weapon
2001
Triple Crown Records

Deja Entendu is a good album and I think was the perfect combination of the energetic and surreal side of Jesse Lacey and Brand New. Their new stuff says to me 'look how weird we are,' while their first two albums were honest accounts of themselves. I chose this over Deja Entendu because this was one the first albums I took to school to play on the stereo. Everyone hated it reaffirming my view that they were amazing.

My Favourite Track - Seventy Times Seven


AFI
The Art Of Drowning
2000
Nitro

Let's get some punk in here! Davey Havok is another weird musician who seems to take himself too seriously but this album is wicked! It's well energetic and they were still an underground band at this point before the release of Sing the Sorrow which brought them some mainstream success. Go listen!

My Favourite Track - Morning Star


Anti-Flag
Underground Network
2001
Fat Wreck Chords

Yeah! I'm 15, think the world's gone to shit and this record comes along a rips the roof off things. Looking back now a lot of it is a bit silly and I met drummer Pat at a gig in Liverpool once and he was a complete tosser so I don't like Anti-Flag any more.

My Favourite Track - Stars And Stripes


Millencolin
Pennybridge Pioneers
2000
Epitaph

Swedish punk? WHAAAT? It's true though and Millencolin aren't the only Swede punk band! Refused, anyone? I heard No Cigar on Tony Hawk 2, and immediately went and bought their album, that's advertising! Job done, list done.

My Favourite Track - No Cigar

Fresh Meat - Series Review

So last night I watched the last episode of the first season of Fresh Meat. If you read my review 'Two Episodes In' then you'll probably be wondering why I continued to watch a show that I had openly criticized and characters who I held in absolute contempt. Well, it's a fair point but have you seen what else is on TV at the moment? I'd rather scratch out my eyes than watch X-Factor of any other television mush that pollutes the cathode rays.

To clarify, I didn't hate the first few episodes, I laughed every now and then, I just didn't see any character development or reason to like the people I was watching. Jack Whitehall's character was the most likeable character and he's the one you're supposed to hate! I also thought they were using the same tired, old sitcom formulas.

Whatever, after my last blog I still wasn't convinced with the next few episodes. Episode 3 was about Simon, I mean Kingsley, changing courses to drama, Chinese buffets and Oregon predictably getting involved with her lecturer. Who didn't see that coming? Come on boys, mix it up a bit. I also previously said I liked the character of Howard but this marked a change in his character where instead of being a weird, mysterious guy who thinks he's hilarious, he turns into a bumbling nerd, scared to talk to girls. There's nothing wrong with being an oddball, in fact some of the most interesting people are like that. I just think his geeky desire to learn about 'the normals' and things like that were too nerdy and not the same as the character we first met, drying duck carcasses with a hairdryer. The same can be said for his stupid geek friend, his voice was too stereotypically nerdy. No other characters in the show were stereotypes, for example drama girl, who was a fun character. Howard was the only member of the main cast whose persona suffered and ended the series worse than when it began.

It was only from episode 4 that, for me, the show really got going. Kingsley and Josie's annoying will-they-won't-they relationship took a good turn after she didn't break up with Dave and I liked them so much better when they hated each other. Kingsley didn't really grow as a character and was the same bumbling, insecure, yet narrow-minded person as when he started. I kind of liked how Josie changed from being the bossy but meek character to a nasty girl, drinking and sleeping with random people. I don't condone it but found her more interesting. In fact I think she is a terrible person, she cheated on her boyfriend within the first moments of being away from him, more to spite Kingsley than anything, she is glad when it turns out her blind date is dead, rather than being stood up and tells everyone Kingsley's secrets. She's horrible to Kingsley and her final words of the series are, "well, I couldn't find you," when asked why she slept with JP. At the same time it's quite sad, I don't think much thought went into her emotional state, but maybe with a personality like that she never had a conscience to begin with.

Vod let a few things slip to suggest she wasn't just the gobby, female 'Super-Hans' of Fresh Meat. She genuinely felt betrayed by Oregon when she found out she was actually from a rich family and the phone call to her dad (who she often remarks about killing) seemed very sad. Also, her refusal to do the acid suggests she is maturing as a character. At the same time, it appeared she learned very little. Despite really getting into her course at one point she openly cheers the fact she's been kicked off, although this is most probably a front to maintain the hardcore personality she's put to the house. The fact that she does appeal it suggests she does want to stay. She has some good lines but didn't quite make the change into a good character.

JP. Amazing, he carried the student demo episode and is so good at his role. Probably because he's just playing himself. And eventually, he too grows as a character. The death of his father is the catalyst where he begins to show empathy and really appreciate his friends. I would have loved to see him twat that posh boy though.

Finally, Oregon, who I initially thought was the worst character. She really changed, probably the most out of all the characters. At first she was just shown as trying to tag along with Vod but her refusal to be bullied by a more alpha member of the house and continue her affair with the lecturer then refusing to give into him was good. She became the mother of house, complete with making a boiled egg and toast soldiers for Vod on the day of her appeal. I liked it how by the end, she was the one in control of the relationship and became not only a student who cares about her grades, but a confident character who I feel is the most dominant in the house.

The other characters were also good. Dave was a brilliant silent hardman, I felt sorry for him and would have liked to see him knock the shit out of Kingsley. Professor Shales was such a dick, brilliant though, he kind of reminded me of Colin Firth! Some weren't so good, Robert Webb's performance looked half-arsed and poorly used. When you have a comedian of his stature you should rely on his comedy and not his weaker areas, although the scene with him and JP over the tandoori was funny.

Overall, the show was ok and I'm glad they've got a second series, whether or not the same cast will be in it or not, I would like to see Howard more fully explored. I liked how Dave Lamb, The Invisible Man was given reference to and knew anonymous people like him from uni myself. I think these casual references are funnier than showing his face and think he should be kept this way.

If you haven't watched it, go check it out. It's funny at times, not so funny at others, laughs are usually found in awkwardness or people being nasty to each other but then I suppose that's what uni was like.

Slavery

Slavery

They call it a home, I call it a prison,
tripping over ourselves. There isn’t room
to move.

At least we’re given time to breath.
But this simple relief is to harvest
the crops of thieves.
We carry double our bodyweight,
working nonstop
in summer’s heat before dropping off
a back-breaking load, then
repeat.

Back to the black confines of our ‘home’
where we work in the dark, in numbers
but alone. Sometimes the blinding sunlight
shafts shine through and we’re made drowsy with fumes
so they can exhume the gold we produce.

I’ve heard the buzz of rebellion, a murmur
from the deep, orders that come direct from the queen.
In our millions we’d swarm everything
in our path, a stinging attack forcing
our captors to give back what they took.

But for now, we behave
like happy little slaves.

A Very Quick Review (Two Episodes In) Of Fresh Meat

We're two episodes in and I already watch this with a cringe on my furrowed, furrowed brow. Channel 4 has a history of putting out cool young peoples comedy/dramas, you only need to look at Skins, Inbetweeners, Phoneshop, Misfits of how much C4 focuses over the top marketing on them and Fresh Meat is no different. Unfortunately, Fresh Meat is all but fresh.

With a very clever and timely release date to coincide with Freshers Week all over the country comes Fresh Meat. Instead of enjoying your first weeks of uni you can stay in on a Tuesday night to watch yourselves (not literally) going out and doing mad shit and saying, 'omg, that is so true,' 'so relatable' and 'they've literally made a tv program about me.' No, they haven't. They are taking boring stories of people, not doing very much all. EP1 - Go to the Pub EP2 - Have party. Hardly riveting stuff is it? 'Yeah, it's gritty and real,' No, it's boring. Boring, boring, boring, boring filler! First of all, the program does not need to be nearly 1 hour long. Who let that happen? It could have easily be squashed into a 30 minute episode.

I thought the first scene of the first episode with the ducks was really funny. It was so fucking outlandish you were like, wtf? ducks? being dried on a with a hairdryer? but then quickly turned into a stale and dull altogether boring piece of turd.

Obviously, it's still early days but what I've seen so far is less than impressive. Let's take a look at the characters.

Kinglsey (Joe Thomas) - Well, after The Inbetweeners movie about them going off on a summer holiday then this coming out as term begins, this could so easily as been Simon. He's just the same character but with less gel in his hair. I'm assuming the story between him and Josie is the main focal point as they're putting a lot of emphasis on them. But seriously, this character is weak! All he does is moan and be awkward. At least if it has been Simon you could have had a few Inbetweeners cameos (that said, the Robert Webb cameo was terrible, really highlighting who is the brains in his double act with David Mitchell).

Josie (Kimberley Nixon) - What a terrible character! No depth, no fun and what an awful example for women/female students to follow. Moves in, gets emotionally attached to Kingsley within seconds of meeting him and then has sex with JP just to spite him. Oh, and it turns out she has a boyfriend of two and half years. So, this girl has cheated on her boyfriend on the FIRST NIGHT of uni and will obviously end up with Kingsley too. Worst of all everyone thinks she's nice! I think even she thinks she's nice! Seriously, so far she's the MAIN character and I hate her! She's awful!

Howard (Greg McHugh) - Good character (finally) who's given a painfully small amount of screen time in comparison to the rest. This guy needs his character developed further and hopefully will get it in the next few episodes. Unlike the rest of the characters, looks really comfortable acting his role.

Vod (Zawe Ashton) - Meh. Ok. Very stiff actress who doesn't add much to the whole story, but again might have more development soon.

Oregon (Charlotte Ritchie) - No, no, no! Has not had any meaningful contribution so far, purely comic relief. 'Yeah, she's like the Jay (Inbetweeners) of this show.' You can't just throw a character in JUST for laughs, they need some story too. Jay had story that showed real life issues and emotions not just telling lie after lie. GET OFF MY TELEVISION!

JP (Jack Whitehall) - Right, we've got a posh comedian, how should we cast him? I know let's just make him an extension of himself. A posh student. Again, comic relief but he definitely has some depth to him unlike above. You just think though, they could do so much more with his character. Whitehall's real life, posh-but-a-bit-stupid character is far funnier than this contrived and cliched dickhead.

VERDICT: You've got a lot of work on to save this sterile piece of junk. Keep it up and don't expect a second season! If you want proper student comedy go and watch The Young Ones.

Child Stars and Fame - Would You Want Your Child To Be Famous?

There's a really interesting documentary (albeit narrated in an annoyingly chirpy American accent despite mainly focusing on the British press and celebrity culture but whatever) called Starsuckers. It's all about the fame industry and how we, the normo's (or shitmunchers as I prefer to call us), perceive it. This isn't a review of of that documentary but I will say it's very interesting and worth a watch. It's on Youtube and can be watched here.

Starsuckers

I'm just going to focus on the section from 09.10-12.29 which briefly talks about child stars and the aspirations that parents have for their children. It's pretty fun seeing the parents sell out their morals for a the slimmest chance of seeing their child on television whether it be shows like 'Baby Boozers,' 'Take Your Daughter To The Slaughter House' or 'Peado's Wet Dream.' Don't worry, that last one was fake, it probably would have turned too many heads but I bet there's a few parents who'd let their kids be on a show with that name, all in the name of fame.

Maybe it's the money or a delusional reckoning that the celebrity lifestyle is a healthy one but these parents WANT their children to be famous. One happy dad believes it's a parents 'best dream' (that's the goodest English I've ever hearded). So, I thought it would be fun to have a quick look at a few celebrities, some who were child stars and some who are pretty high on the success ladder, to just see if any parent would really want to put their child through any of these scenarios. For the record, I haven't got kids but I'm sure when some poor girl is unlucky enough to produce one of my demon spawn, I wouldn't wish my pint-sized protege any of the problems fame and success can bring.

The format will be who they are, why they are famous, what fame did to them and if their parents (who may or may not have had anything to do with their fame) would be proud/happy about the effects fame has had on their children's lives. Let's start with the child stars, moving on to the rest when I feel like it (it's my blog!!). Coming at number 1. Who else?


I thought Michael Jackson was a white guy!?!

Michael Jackson

What was he in? Music, Debt, Children.

How fame affected him: The effects of Jackson and his child stardom are plain to see. The pressures he faced as a youngster left him trying to relive his childhood as a grown man and this included having sleepovers with very young boys. The well-known accusations that followed have put a black mark next to Jackson's name that can never be washed away. It is clear that Michael was a mentally and emotionally fragile person and the pressures of fame only served to heighten these. The 'Wacko Jacko' persona will be remembered for as much as anything he accomplished. After he died in mysterious circumstances, it was believed that the pressures of his upcoming tour may have been responsible.

Would his parents be proud of him? Not likely. Joe Jackson was reportedly incredibly strict with young Michael and beatings and whippings were not uncommon. In my opinion, I don't think Joe was ever happy with anything Michael did.


'You want me to do what, Michael?

Macaulay Culkin

What was he in? Home Alone, Mila Kunis, Jail.

How fame affected him: Big Mac (as he now likes to be called. Or maybe I'm confusing him with a burger) has struggled to find any meaningful acting roles in the last 15 years having failed to mature as an actor. The predictable 'failed relationships and drug charges' have also been prevalent is his life as well as the eerily close relationship with Michael Jackson.

Would his parents be proud of him? The kid had it rough, on and off camera. Not only have his family left him at home and in the middle of New York, they did it on Christmas! TWICE! But maybe I'm blurring fantasy and reality. Culkin emancipated (divorced in layman's terms) his real family at 14 years old after he felt his abusive father was raking in too much of his hard earned cash and working him too hard. To be honest, I'd be pretty pissed too. Just blow all your money in some New York penthouse, get loads of pizza and- Wait a minute...


Whose turn is it to get the beak in and flash the paparazzi? Me or The Olsen Twins?

Lindsay Lohan

What was she in? Mean Girls, Famous DJ's Sisters, A Cell

How fame affected her: No child star gone mental list would be complete without Lindsay Lohan. It's fair to say that any celebrity can be excused the opportunity to live the sex, drugs and rock n roll lifestyle (come on, what would you do?) but Lohan takes it to the extreme. There have been car crashes, DUI's, stints in rehab, lesbian relationships; the list goes on. Perhaps it was a case of too much, too soon for Lohan who tried to take on the actor/singer/dancer roles at a very young age.

Would her parents be proud of her? Her Mum loves it. Fair to say she might be a bit of a bad influence, enjoying a casual cocktail or toot on the crackpipe. Her Dad isn't much better and tried to sell recorded conversations with Lindsay to the press, probably making a fat amount of cash in the meantime. It's worth mentioning that he's a pretty nefarious character as it is. Once convicted of stock fraud as well as threatening to kill Lindsay's old dear; Christmas dinner in that family must be a laugh!


Coleen said yes! And all I had to do was sign this fat contract with Nike!

Wayne Rooney

What was he in? A Rubbish Football Team, The Press, Grannies.

How fame affected him: Not quite as badly as some of the above but luckily he's had some good advice. Whether it be the fatherly Alex Ferguson, ready to give you a good bollocking and clip round the ear; or the uncle-esque David Moyes, still strict but might buy you pint when you're only 14, the cheeky sod; Rooney hasn't been completely controversy free. According to some he's partial to the odd lady-of-the-night and it's also been rumoured that Coleen wasn't interested in him at all until he went pro at Everton. Oh , she's staying with him for his charm and good looks, not his cash, is she? His lifestyle has come under criticism too, maybe he's big boned but the 'who at all the pies' chants speak for themselves. Oh yeah, it made him bald too! Good job he's rich and can get a hair transplant! Bobby Charlton's well jealous!

Would his parents be proud of him? Probably. Despite these allegations his life's not gone completely off the rails. And a lad from Croxteth earning nigh on £200,000 a week's not bad. I can imagine they were pretty pissed when the traitor moved to Manchester, though.


Look at that face... As if she was a virgin until 18. Skank!

Britney Spears

What was she in? Music, Rehab, Justin Timberlake (Yeah, they did some weird stuff).

How fame affected her: Similar story to Lohan really. Britney kept a squeaky clean image for years but relationships with good boys like JT and bad boys like Fred Durst put her reputation to the test. The cliched drugs, alcohol and Vegas weddings followed. Pfft so unoriginal. Nowadays she can be found in a trailer somewhere, washing herself down in a muddy creek with the rest of the yokels.

Would her parents be proud of her? Well her mum got pretty rich writing a tell all book about Britney in which she claims she lost her virginity to a high school jock at 14 and started hitting the drugs at 15. Selling out your own kid? Cold.


I'm gonna marry a footballa an' get me gnashers sorted, eh pet?

Cheryl Cole

What was she in? Girls Aloud, X-Factor, Simon Cowell's Pocket.

How fame affected her: While not a child star, Cheryl Cole is someone who many young girls look up to and idolize. But would parents want their child to be like Cheryl? Marry a footballer who constantly cheats on you, take him back, get self-esteem crushed again; think you're better than you band mates, sack them off, realise you ain't all that, now they don't want to know; smash some birds head in coming out the bog! A recipe for fame or self destruct? Cheryl had to take time off from X-Factor after suffering form Malaria but sources suggest otherwise and that Cheryl was actually in the gritty throes of a battle with anorexia. When I say battle, I mean physically fighting with hummus. The kitchen was a right mess!

Would her parents be proud of her? Again, looking at her track record I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (except the hummus bit) let alone my own child. Conversely, she has made obscene amounts of money.


Amy's been on the baking powder again.

Amy Winehouse

What was she in? Mice Porn, Love With A Twat, Rehab (Despite Saying No, No, No).

How fame affected her: To be fair, I think someone with Amy's personality would have had the same issues whether she was in the public eye or not but the money and attention that came with it didn't help. Drugs, violent relationships and snorting baby mice just to get her kicks were just a few of her indiscretions. While drugs have been ruled out as a decisive factor in her death, the pressures of fame must surely have had some impact in her untimely demise.

Would her parents be proud of her? I think it's fair to say that whatever happened, her old man, Mitch looked out for her. After hearing that Blake got his little girl addicted to crack he went looking for him, couldn't find him so beat up his old man instead. That's good parenting! The Winehouse family were constantly concerned for Amy who unfortunately, was just a fucking loon.


Finally, a good role model for young lesbians!

Justin Bieber

What was he in? Everything That's Wrong With Music, Every Teen Girls Dreams, Every Catholic Priests Wank Bank

How fame affected her (yes, her): Justin Bieber was responsible for the infamous East/West Coast turf wars with the Jonas Brothers that saw many innocents caught in the crossfire. An addiction to testosterone pills, coupled with a string of relationships with men, women and beasts ensued with disastrous effects. Bieber was shot dead after a confrontation with a police officer who found a hooker (possibly Kim Kardashian) dead in the boot of his car and after a Bieber resisted arrest, had to bring him down.

Would her parents be proud of her? No. Remember, there's a Bieber family out there, silently screaming into a pillow.

---------


I hope you've enjoyed my satirical rant about celebrity obsessed culture and it's many flaws. Many of you won't agree and will simply go back to the 'Only Way Is Essex' lifestyle idolizing people who shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, let alone be on television. You'll counter with, 'Yes but these people are earning so much money, they have access to incredible things, the price of what comes with this fame is to be expected, it's a balance, a sacrifice you must make, the yin and yang.' And while I agree that it is a very philosophical statement you have just made, does the money counter what appears to be such a soul-sucking life?

To which I say - Yes, Oh God, I wish I was famous! WHY CAN'T I BE RICH AND FAMOUS???

My Favourite Simpson's Episodes: Worst Top 10 Ever

While the newest episodes aren't very good at all, The Simpsons is, in my opinion, better than Family Guy, South Park, Beavis and Butthead etc etc. Yeah it's kind of lost its edge now those other cartoons have come out but The Simpsons is something a little different from those cartoons, a bit more socially acceptable than the above maybe. All of my Top 10 are from the mid nineties and I remember when they came out laughing so hard and when rewatching them again, laughing just as much. Maybe you'll be reading this thinking, 'The Simpsons? Seriously, I saw that when I was like 10.' Yeah, fair play we've seen them all before but if you've got 20 minutes to spare, go and watch one of these classics and I bet you'll have forgotten just how funny these episodes are!

10. Bart's Comet



Synopsis: After playing a prank on Principal Skinner, Bart is punished by having to take Skinner's notes while he stargazes. After an unsuccessful night, Bart swats the telescope and immediately discovers a comet. The plans to shoot the comet with a rocket fail, sending the town in a panicked frenzy. Springfield descends to Ned Flanders' bomb shelter, eventually kicking him out. Everyone bickers until Homer encourages everyone to join Flanders facing the comet.

Best bit: Bart's obvious over-eagerness with the launch of the weather balloon.

Best quote: The town are arguing over who should be thrown out of the bomb shelter to make room for the rest

Homer: Wait a minute: we all know the one thing we won't need in the
future! Left-handed stores. That's you, Flanders!
[whispered to Rod & Todd] I'm terribly story.
[to everyone] Flanders is the only useless person here. If anyone dies, it should be him.
[whispered] I'm sorry, please forgive me.
[to everyone] So let's kick Flanders out.
[whispered] Sorry.

9. Who Shot Mr Burns? Part 2



Synopsis: The classic whodunit! After a series of indiscretions that has seen Mr. Burns make enemies with everyone from Moe's to Springfield Elementary, The Retirement Castle and The Plant, Mr Burns is shot. Several suspects appear as the potential shooters but who was the actual culprit? Homer? Grandpa? Smithers?

Best Bit: Homer's stand-off with Burns.

Best Quote: Moe is strapped to a lie detector while Eddie and Lou administer the test.

Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz]
All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz]
A date. [buzz]
Dinner with friends. [buzz]
Dinner alone. [buzz]
Watching TV alone. [buzz]
All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the
Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz]
[weakly] Sears catalog. [ding]
[angry] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't
deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

8. 22 Short Films About Springfield



Synopsis: Bart and Milhouse question whether anything fun happens around Springfield. Cue a selection of short stories between some of Springfield's favorite characters. Watch what happens when Smithers gets stung by a bee or when Lisa gets gum in her hair. If you've ever wondered what happens to Simpson's characters when they aren't interacting with the family, then this is the episode for you!

Best Bit: The Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers skit is one of the best pieces of television I have ever seen!

Best quote: At a Krusty Burger, Chief Wiggum, Lou and Eddie have a Pulp Fiction style conversation while enjoying a meat-flavored sandwich.

Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night --
Wiggum: [interrupting] The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's. I never heard of it either, but they
have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little
differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese,
but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy
gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm. They call 'em, "shakes."
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.

7. El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)



Synopsis: After eating an incredibly hot chili at the annual chili carnival, Homer goes on a surreal trip where he encounters huge snakes, a large butterfly and even a talking coyote (voiced by Johnny Cash). The coyote advises Homer to find his soulmate but returns home to find Marge furious with his antics at the carnival. Homer comes to the conlusion Marge isn't his soulamte and vows to find him/her.

Best Bit: Homer's trip after eating the chili is not only hilarious but visually amazing.

Best Quote: Homer wakes up on a golf course and attempts to rationalize his chili hallucianation.

Homer: Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. [The pro shop is shaped like a giant pyramid.] And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate!
Homer: Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog.
Dog: [barks]
Homer: Damn straight!

6. Homer's Enemy



Synopsis: A new employee named Frank Grimes is employed at the plant after Mr. Burns watches an empowering film watching his struggles through life. However, Burns immediately turns his attention to an heroic dog, demoting Grimes to Sector 7G. Grimes takes an instant dislike to Homer's laziness, irresponsibility and social naivety. Homer's attempts to befriend Grimes fail causing Grimes to declare him his enemy. When Homer is rewarded for winning a prize for children (one which Grimes entered him in) Grimes snaps attempting to mimic Homer's poor habits, only to electrocute himself and die.

Best Bit: Mr. Burns demoting Grimes after he saves Homer from drinking acid, swatting it away, destroying Burns' valuable wall and spilling his priceless acid.

Best Quote: Grimes has snapped and goes on a rampage of the plant, followed by Homer, Smithers and others.

Grimes: [from the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise! Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!
[He runs into Homer's work station and spins in the chair]
Grimes: I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!
Homer: Hey, you okay, Grimey?
Grimes: I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson.
Homer: [chuckles] You wish.
Grimes: [noticing Mr Burns] Oh, hi, Mr Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster. What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
[grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces]

5. Homer At The Bat

>

Synopsis: Homer and his homemade bat are helping to Nuclear Plant softball team to an impressive run of form. Mr. Burns wagers $1 Million with Aristotle Amadopoulos, owner of Shelbyville Nuclear Plant that his team will come out on top in the next fixture. To ensure victory, Mr. Burns hires nine Major League Baseball stars (all voice themselves) to work at the plant and signs them up to the team. However, before the game all but one of the all star players suffer misfortunes that prevent them from playing. The only player remaining, Darryl Strawberry, plays in Homer's position, leaving him on the bench. However, with the scores tied and bases loaded, Mr. Burns brings on Homer for the final play.

Best Bit: The ways that the all star team are rendered out of action is hilarious, most notably, Ken Griffey Junior's gigantism.

Best Quote: Steve Sax is innocently drivig along when he is pulled over by Lou and Edidie.

Eddie: [reading Steve Sax's license] Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.
Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
[Lou and Eddie laugh]
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?

4. Marge Vs. The Monorail



Synopsis: Mr. Burns is caught dumping toxic waste around Springfield and is fined $3 Million. At a town meeting to arrange how to spend the money, a mysterious Lyle Lanley arrives with the idea of a monorail, leading the townspeople into song before they agree. Marge has her suspicions and vows to find out more about Lanley.

Best Bit: The monorail song. Awesome!

Best Quote: The monorail is out of control. Marge communicates to Homer through a radio.

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who says he can help you.
Homer: Batman?!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist!
Marge: It's not Batman!

3. Lemon Of Troy



Synopsis: After Springfield's famous Lemon Tree is dragged off into Shelbyville, Bart leads Milhouse, Martin, Nelson, Todd and Data into Shelbyville in an attempt to get it back. The boys track down the tree to an impound lot but are stopped by their parents. Homer, Flanders and the rest attempt to negotiate to get the tree back but to no avail. Using Flanders' RV, the Springfieldianites using a Trojan Horse type method to infiltrate to impound and restore the tree to Springfield.

Best Bit: The owner of the impound taking a bite from the lemon resulting in the picture above.

Best Quote: [Bart is surrounded by kids from Shelbyville]

Shelbyville Kid: Wait a minute, if you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you in school?
Bart: I don't go to school.
Shelbyville Kid: Okay, what's two plus two?
Bart: Five
Shelbyville Kid: Ah, story checks out…

2. You Only Move Twice



Synopsis: As the the second most senior man at the Nuclear Plant (after Waylon Smithers), Homer is headhunted for a job for the Globex Coporation in Cypress Creek. Homer's boss, Hank Scorpio seems like the perfect boss and Homer fits in well, increasing productivity. However, life in Cypress Creek is not perfect for the rest of the Simpson family. Bart is put in the remedial classroom, Lisa is allergic to everything and the hi-tech gizmos in the house mean Marge has nothing to do except drink. Homer talks with Scorpio who is in the middle of a battle with the US Army, who tells him to do what is best for his family.

Best Bit: Hank Scorpio is by far my favorite ever Simpsons character. His diabolical schemes and Homer's lack of awareness to them are classic.

Best Quote: [Scoprio is talking onscreen to the UN Security Council]

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.
[an explosion occurs near the UN building]
Man 1: Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge!
Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
Man 1: We can't take that chance.
Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.

1. Cape Feare



Synopsis: Bart becomes paranoid after receiving death threats in the mail and realizes that Sideshow Bob, recently out of prison, is behind it. Despite their best efforts, no one can keep Bart safe so the Simpson family are placed on the Witness Relocation Program, renamed The Thompsons and move to Terror Lake to live on a house boat. However, Sideshow Bob is not far behind and drugs the family during the night and chases Bart around the boat. Bob grants Bart one final request and he asks him to sing the entire score from HMS Pinafore. This manages to stall him until the boat pulls in Springfield, where Wiggum and the police arrest him.

Best Bit: Obviously, the rakes. No question, the rakes every single time!

Best Quote: [Bart has difficulty sleeping, his bedroom door opens, a sharp knife appears and man charges into the room casting a scary shadow on the ceiling]

Homer: [holding a large knife upside-down] BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?
Bart: [screames] AAAAAHHHHH!
Homer: [kneels down and scary shadow disappears] Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart: Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming into my room screaming and brandishing the butcher knife.
Homer: Why?
[Homer looks at the large knife he is holding]
Homer: Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing, oh I'm sorry boy.
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room. Seconds later, Homer bursts into the room again wearing a white hockey mask and holding a roaring electric chainsaw, which he holds up]
Homer: BARTYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
Bart: [screams louder] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Homer: [turning off the chainsaw and lifting the hockey mask] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

10 Documentaries You Must Watch

EDIT: I'd just like to point out that I collated my list before I'd even heard that the ginger, beardy, McDonalds eating, Bin Laden searching, documentary making Moran Spurlock began to poorly host '50 Documentaries to See Before You Die.' 6 of my choices actually make their cut and just to point out, why before you die? Seems a bit drastic! Just sayin' like! EDIT OVER

Most of these are independent films, produced by people who are passionate about the subject. If you have a few hours to kill, broaden your mind with these interesting and entertaining documentaries instead of just spunking your life away. These are in no particular order and nor or they the top 10 documentaries I've ever seen. Just check them out and watch.



1. The King Of Kong
2007
79 minutes

Plot: An in depth look into the world of computer game records, nost notably retro arcade games such as Asteroids, PacMan and Donkey Kong. The film follows current World Champion Billy Mitchell and contender Steve Wiebe as both attempt to break each others records for Donkey Kong. You are also introduced to the judges of all computer game records, Twin Galaxies, whose ties to Billy Mitchell are unnervingly close.

What's right with it? Steve Weibe challenging Billy Mitchell to a live head-to-head Donkey Kong-off at an arcade only to be refused. Billy Mitchell slinking around behind him in an attempt to psych him out is hilarious.

What's wrong with it? It sometimes feels a little too David vs. Goliath as the opposition that Wiebe faces seem too Hollywood to be true.



Click here to watch the Trailer




2. Big River Man
2009
100 minutes

Plot: Incredibly unfit and unprepared Slovenian, Martin Strel attempts to swim the length of the Amazon River, after his successes swimming the Mississippi and Yangtze Rivers. The lead cameraman is Martin's concerned son who watches his father deal with sunstroke, alcoholism and Martin's skin falling off after too much time in the water.

What's right with it? As well as Strel's journey the film focuses on the destruction of the Amazon rain forest and compliments it's beauty with some incredible shots.

What's wrong with it? I don't know where they found some of their crew? One member actively tries to kill Strel by encouraging him to drink, run off into the jungle and attempt to swim in the dark without supervision of the camera crew. He also refers to him as Christlike.



Click here to watch the Trailer




3. Home
2009
120 minutes

Plot: Stunning documentary explores human evolution, our impact and the strain we put on planet Earth via incredible aerial shots. This film gives an informed opinion towards deforestation, global warming, food and water shortages as well as human emigration.

What's right with it? Visually amazing and despite the bleak overtones the film ends with an incredible positive and uplifting message.

What's wrong with it? Glenn Close's boring narration made me sleepy and at 2 hours long it did begin to drag.



Click here to watch the Trailer




4. The Cove
2009
91 minutes

Plot: Animal activists attempt to show the world the atrocities that take place every year in the coves of Taiji, Japan. The film's protagonist, Ric O'Barry, was once the trainer for the dolphins used in the Flipper television show which ensured public adoration for dolphins. Racked with guilt for the surge of dolphins kept in captivity after the show, O'Barry has devoted his life to releasing dolphins back into the wild.

What's right with it? The hidden cameras that capture to brutal slaughter of dolphins, turning the sea red with blood is startling as is the tense atmosphere that the film crew face.

What's wrong with it? The film is endorsed by Sea Shepherd captain, Paul Watson, which in my eyes, takes away much of the film's credibility.



Click here to watch the Trailer




5. Zeitgeist
2007
122 minutes

Plot: Zeitgeist is broken up into 3 parts. Part 1, The Greatest Story Ever Told explores the story of Jesus and how it follows many pagan stories as well as being closely linked to the Zodiac. Part 2, All The World's A Stage, talks about 9/11 conspiracy theories and finally Part 3, Don't Mind The Men Behind The Curtain continues with more conspiracy theories of why it is in the interest of the banks for a country to go to war.

What's right with it? Very well researched and edited piece that really makes you question everything.

What's wrong with it? Just like every other conspiracy theory film it's so one sided it fails to give a balanced argument and at times is too easy for the man to disprove.

See also: Zeitgeist: Addeudum and Zeitgeist: Moving Forward.


Click here to watch the Trailer




6. Food, Inc.
2008
93 minutes

Plot: Another film broken down into 3 parts. The first looks at the beef, pork and chicken that we eat and the unethical ways that they're farmed. The second looks at grain production and how it is exhaustively farmed. The final part looks into the legal power and support that the big food companies own and how it affects small farmers as well as the ways they promote unhealthy lifestyles to the consumers.

What's right with it? A very grisly portrayal into animal farming which is not the faint of heart. Expect to see cows, pigs and chickens living in squalor before ending up on your plate.

What's wrong with it? While acknowledging the USA produces enough food to feed the world they fail to explain any sort of methods or logistics to carry out such a task.


Click here to watch the Trailer




7. Super High Me
2007
98 minutes

Plot: Much like the name it parodies, Doug Benson (the protagonist) explores what would happen if you exclusively lived by one product. But unlike Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me, Benson decides to see what would happen if he used marijuana everyday for a month. Benson also explores what happens not taking the drug for 30 days to try to shake some of the myths around cannabis.

What's right with it? The fact that upon its release it was screen in over 1,000 cinemas (more than any other documentary) speaks volumes for itself.

What's wrong with it? The final outcome of the film is fairly weak, questioning whether a film need ever be made at all.


Click here to watch the Trailer




8. Grizzly Man
2005
100 minutes

Plot: Grizzly Man follows the life of self-confessed bear enthusiast Timothy Treadwell. After spending several summers camping in bear-country, Treadwell comes to the conclusion that bears aren't dangerous, they trust him and are his friends. Despite being constantly warned by park officials about the danger they present, Treadwell interacts heavily with the bears sometimes even touching them. If you haven't worked out how this film ends, you are clearly as misguided as Treadwell.

What's right with it? The awesome bear fight!

What's wrong with it? They never show THAT scene.


Click here to watch the Trailer




9. Gashole
2008
101 minutes

Plot: A look into the lengths that gas and oil companies go to to keep consumers dependent on foreign oil and the strategies they use in order to keep alternative energy supplies off the market. The film highlights the agendas of the oil corporations and their close ties with politicians.

What's right with it? The film is produced by people brave enough to take a stand against corporations who take an aggressive stance to people who oppose them.

What's wrong with it? Often repeats itself heavily and could have been far more succinct.


Click here to watch the Trailer




10. Catfish
2010
86 minutes

Plot: Sensing an internet romance could be developing between his brother, Nev, and a girl who seems too good to be true, Ariel Schulman begins to film Nev's interactions with her. When some of the internet girlfriends claims come under scrutiny, Ariel encourages Nev to see how far the documentary could go, with sinister results.

What's right with it? Just a weird film and a timely reminder not to trust everyone you meet over the internet.

What's wrong with it? Many people, including Super Size Me's, Morgan Spurlock, have questioned the veracity of the film. It does seem suspect that every single important moment is caught on film but it is a good documentary nonetheless.


Click here to watch the Trailer