There's a really interesting documentary (albeit narrated in an annoyingly chirpy American accent despite mainly focusing on the British press and celebrity culture but whatever) called Starsuckers. It's all about the fame industry and how we, the normo's (or shitmunchers as I prefer to call us), perceive it. This isn't a review of of that documentary but I will say it's very interesting and worth a watch. It's on Youtube and can be watched here.
I'm just going to focus on the section from 09.10-12.29 which briefly talks about child stars and the aspirations that parents have for their children. It's pretty fun seeing the parents sell out their morals for a the slimmest chance of seeing their child on television whether it be shows like 'Baby Boozers,' 'Take Your Daughter To The Slaughter House' or 'Peado's Wet Dream.' Don't worry, that last one was fake, it probably would have turned too many heads but I bet there's a few parents who'd let their kids be on a show with that name, all in the name of fame.
Maybe it's the money or a delusional reckoning that the celebrity lifestyle is a healthy one but these parents WANT their children to be famous. One happy dad believes it's a parents 'best dream' (that's the goodest English I've ever hearded). So, I thought it would be fun to have a quick look at a few celebrities, some who were child stars and some who are pretty high on the success ladder, to just see if any parent would really want to put their child through any of these scenarios. For the record, I haven't got kids but I'm sure when some poor girl is unlucky enough to produce one of my demon spawn, I wouldn't wish my pint-sized protege any of the problems fame and success can bring.
The format will be who they are, why they are famous, what fame did to them and if their parents (who may or may not have had anything to do with their fame) would be proud/happy about the effects fame has had on their children's lives. Let's start with the child stars, moving on to the rest when I feel like it (it's my blog!!). Coming at number 1. Who else?
I thought Michael Jackson was a white guy!?!
Michael Jackson
What was he in? Music, Debt, Children.
How fame affected him: The effects of Jackson and his child stardom are plain to see. The pressures he faced as a youngster left him trying to relive his childhood as a grown man and this included having sleepovers with very young boys. The well-known accusations that followed have put a black mark next to Jackson's name that can never be washed away. It is clear that Michael was a mentally and emotionally fragile person and the pressures of fame only served to heighten these. The 'Wacko Jacko' persona will be remembered for as much as anything he accomplished. After he died in mysterious circumstances, it was believed that the pressures of his upcoming tour may have been responsible.
Would his parents be proud of him? Not likely. Joe Jackson was reportedly incredibly strict with young Michael and beatings and whippings were not uncommon. In my opinion, I don't think Joe was ever happy with anything Michael did.
'You want me to do what, Michael?
Macaulay Culkin
What was he in? Home Alone, Mila Kunis, Jail.
How fame affected him: Big Mac (as he now likes to be called. Or maybe I'm confusing him with a burger) has struggled to find any meaningful acting roles in the last 15 years having failed to mature as an actor. The predictable 'failed relationships and drug charges' have also been prevalent is his life as well as the eerily close relationship with Michael Jackson.
Would his parents be proud of him? The kid had it rough, on and off camera. Not only have his family left him at home and in the middle of New York, they did it on Christmas! TWICE! But maybe I'm blurring fantasy and reality. Culkin emancipated (divorced in layman's terms) his real family at 14 years old after he felt his abusive father was raking in too much of his hard earned cash and working him too hard. To be honest, I'd be pretty pissed too. Just blow all your money in some New York penthouse, get loads of pizza and- Wait a minute...
Whose turn is it to get the beak in and flash the paparazzi? Me or The Olsen Twins?
Lindsay Lohan
What was she in? Mean Girls, Famous DJ's Sisters, A Cell
How fame affected her: No child star gone mental list would be complete without Lindsay Lohan. It's fair to say that any celebrity can be excused the opportunity to live the sex, drugs and rock n roll lifestyle (come on, what would you do?) but Lohan takes it to the extreme. There have been car crashes, DUI's, stints in rehab, lesbian relationships; the list goes on. Perhaps it was a case of too much, too soon for Lohan who tried to take on the actor/singer/dancer roles at a very young age.
Would her parents be proud of her? Her Mum loves it. Fair to say she might be a bit of a bad influence, enjoying a casual cocktail or toot on the crackpipe. Her Dad isn't much better and tried to sell recorded conversations with Lindsay to the press, probably making a fat amount of cash in the meantime. It's worth mentioning that he's a pretty nefarious character as it is. Once convicted of stock fraud as well as threatening to kill Lindsay's old dear; Christmas dinner in that family must be a laugh!
Coleen said yes! And all I had to do was sign this fat contract with Nike!
Wayne Rooney
What was he in? A Rubbish Football Team, The Press, Grannies.
How fame affected him: Not quite as badly as some of the above but luckily he's had some good advice. Whether it be the fatherly Alex Ferguson, ready to give you a good bollocking and clip round the ear; or the uncle-esque David Moyes, still strict but might buy you pint when you're only 14, the cheeky sod; Rooney hasn't been completely controversy free. According to some he's partial to the odd lady-of-the-night and it's also been rumoured that Coleen wasn't interested in him at all until he went pro at Everton. Oh , she's staying with him for his charm and good looks, not his cash, is she? His lifestyle has come under criticism too, maybe he's big boned but the 'who at all the pies' chants speak for themselves. Oh yeah, it made him bald too! Good job he's rich and can get a hair transplant! Bobby Charlton's well jealous!
Would his parents be proud of him? Probably. Despite these allegations his life's not gone completely off the rails. And a lad from Croxteth earning nigh on £200,000 a week's not bad. I can imagine they were pretty pissed when the traitor moved to Manchester, though.
Look at that face... As if she was a virgin until 18. Skank!
Britney Spears
What was she in? Music, Rehab, Justin Timberlake (Yeah, they did some weird stuff).
How fame affected her: Similar story to Lohan really. Britney kept a squeaky clean image for years but relationships with good boys like JT and bad boys like Fred Durst put her reputation to the test. The cliched drugs, alcohol and Vegas weddings followed. Pfft so unoriginal. Nowadays she can be found in a trailer somewhere, washing herself down in a muddy creek with the rest of the yokels.
Would her parents be proud of her? Well her mum got pretty rich writing a tell all book about Britney in which she claims she lost her virginity to a high school jock at 14 and started hitting the drugs at 15. Selling out your own kid? Cold.
I'm gonna marry a footballa an' get me gnashers sorted, eh pet?
Cheryl Cole
What was she in? Girls Aloud, X-Factor, Simon Cowell's Pocket.
How fame affected her: While not a child star, Cheryl Cole is someone who many young girls look up to and idolize. But would parents want their child to be like Cheryl? Marry a footballer who constantly cheats on you, take him back, get self-esteem crushed again; think you're better than you band mates, sack them off, realise you ain't all that, now they don't want to know; smash some birds head in coming out the bog! A recipe for fame or self destruct? Cheryl had to take time off from X-Factor after suffering form Malaria but sources suggest otherwise and that Cheryl was actually in the gritty throes of a battle with anorexia. When I say battle, I mean physically fighting with hummus. The kitchen was a right mess!
Would her parents be proud of her? Again, looking at her track record I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (except the hummus bit) let alone my own child. Conversely, she has made obscene amounts of money.
Amy's been on the baking powder again.
Amy Winehouse
What was she in? Mice Porn, Love With A Twat, Rehab (Despite Saying No, No, No).
How fame affected her: To be fair, I think someone with Amy's personality would have had the same issues whether she was in the public eye or not but the money and attention that came with it didn't help. Drugs, violent relationships and snorting baby mice just to get her kicks were just a few of her indiscretions. While drugs have been ruled out as a decisive factor in her death, the pressures of fame must surely have had some impact in her untimely demise.
Would her parents be proud of her? I think it's fair to say that whatever happened, her old man, Mitch looked out for her. After hearing that Blake got his little girl addicted to crack he went looking for him, couldn't find him so beat up his old man instead. That's good parenting! The Winehouse family were constantly concerned for Amy who unfortunately, was just a fucking loon.
Finally, a good role model for young lesbians!
Justin Bieber
What was he in? Everything That's Wrong With Music, Every Teen Girls Dreams, Every Catholic Priests Wank Bank
How fame affected her (yes, her): Justin Bieber was responsible for the infamous East/West Coast turf wars with the Jonas Brothers that saw many innocents caught in the crossfire. An addiction to testosterone pills, coupled with a string of relationships with men, women and beasts ensued with disastrous effects. Bieber was shot dead after a confrontation with a police officer who found a hooker (possibly Kim Kardashian) dead in the boot of his car and after a Bieber resisted arrest, had to bring him down.
Would her parents be proud of her? No. Remember, there's a Bieber family out there, silently screaming into a pillow.
I hope you've enjoyed my satirical rant about celebrity obsessed culture and it's many flaws. Many of you won't agree and will simply go back to the 'Only Way Is Essex' lifestyle idolizing people who shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, let alone be on television. You'll counter with, 'Yes but these people are earning so much money, they have access to incredible things, the price of what comes with this fame is to be expected, it's a balance, a sacrifice you must make, the yin and yang.' And while I agree that it is a very philosophical statement you have just made, does the money counter what appears to be such a soul-sucking life?
To which I say - Yes, Oh God, I wish I was famous! WHY CAN'T I BE RICH AND FAMOUS???
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