Has a nice ring to it, huh?
I wrote these for magazines like FRONT so as you'd expect there's a host of profanity as well as casual references to unprotected sex and excessive class A drug use. I really can't stress enough that if these AWESOME things upset you, you won't want to read this post.
Also, I have edited these since sending them. I'm not quite egotistical enough to send national magazines pieces entitled Tom's Guide To Life. Don't hate.
It is most definitely wedding season. Up and down the land, people were caught up with the friskiness of Spring; drinking al fresco, blowing dandelions and saying fuck it to a jonny, I’m riding bareback!
And instead of shamefully bringing up any bastardized offspring into this cesspit of a world, already full of crack-whores, Colombian drug cartels and violent meerkat gangs, the lucky girl’s dad screamed SHOTGUN WEDDING. And guess what? We’re all invited!
1. The Service
No longer is church a place where you have to sit still, do up your top button or listen to the vicar. Nowadays you can crank your iPod to 11, heckle the service (does anybody see fit to why these two shouldn’t be joined? Be THAT guy) and say ‘fuck the top button, I’m not even wearing a tie!’
Extra points – Tell obscene jokes to the vicar and jest him with tales of the bride’s infidelity. He’ll get it, the child molesting old bastard.
2. The Middle bit
You’ve been to the church, given the photographer directions to somewhere else (just to be super helpful), now’s the time to get stuck into as much free shit as you can. If there’s a free bar, chances are it won’t last all night so order at least 10-15 cold ones as soon as you get there. Buffet? You need to get to the front of that fucker even if it means taking out the bride, flower girls or grandma Jean and her UV drip. You’re gonna need some stamina to keep going all night and the Iceland chicken drummers and sausage rolls should do the trick.
Extra points – Tell the venue owner the bride’s family are Gipsies and they should think about getting the car park cleared before the caravans arrive.
3. The Party
The brides about the throw the bouquet? Catch that fucker and run like the wind. What’s the worst that could happen? You can sheepishly give it to the girl you think’s the fittest. The best? Getting crushed beneath several desperately single women in low cut dresses.
Everyone loves a good knees up and if any film I've seen ever is to go by, women are at least 8 times hornier at a wedding. If the venue is an elaborate mansion, take her to a flash bedroom in the east wing. If it’s a pub the bride’s uncle owns, take her out round the bins.
Extra points – Bridesmaids. You end up with one of these and you’re practically part of the family. Just make sure she’s over 18, you sick fuck!
The Guests
I wanted RED napkins. CALL THE FUCKING THING OFF. HE'S A USELESS CUNT!
The Bride – Seriously, you want to have fun and everything, but don’t cross this bitch! Even though she’s stealing your friend it’s advisable to keep as far out of her way as possible. Sure, she seemed friendly enough when you took over your amazing gift you got from the petrol station on the way from the church, but this is her day and if it was up to her, your seat would have gone to someone else.
I hope she's ok with the red napkins...
The Groom – Poor fella, he keeps a brave face but lets her do most of the talking (I suppose he better get ready for married life). He wants to join you outside for a beer but she’s already dragging him off to meet up great-aunt Mabel to check if her colostomy bag needs changing and say thank you for the blender he'll never use. Between his wife, his proud parents and that tit-of-a-best man, he’s too busy for you.
Which strapping young man is going to dance with me? I've checked with the husband, the threesome's on!
Mother-of-the-bride – She’s probably wearing a ridiculous hat, had a few strong brandies and is dancing too proactively for a woman of her age but that’s not an excuse to try and shag her. Even if she says she remembers you coming over when you were little and eating out of her biscuit tin, that’s not a euphemism.
Pack it in, lads. We're all having a good time here but if you wreck my daughters day I'll cut your fucking head off!
Father-of-the-bride – Red face, angry expression and neck veins pulsing, this is one angry dad. Not only has he lost his little girl to some twat who, the night before woke up in a skip, covered in vomit with a strippers minge on his elbow. Now he has to deal with all you fuckers shaking his hand and patting his shoulder basically saying ‘congrats, your daughters going abroad to get fucked every day for two weeks’. He remembers when you put that footie through his greenhouse and he sees the way you look at his wife.
I love you Gary, I do! Run away with me like we promised. Please, Gary! PLEASE!
Best Man – A complete sack of shit, acting like it’s a funeral because he’s lost his best friend, the pussy. He was acting a right chief at the stag do, making you all dress up in stupid shit and he’s at it again on the day. His speech was shit and full of inside jokes you didn’t get. You just hope he gets so drunk he’ll start verbally abusing the bride.
Lads...
Bridesmaids – Will have been put in a shitty dress to make the bride look better so will be doing everything they can to steal her thunder. Bridesmaids are at least 4 times hotter just for being bridesmaids (Maid of Honour is 8 times) and there is extra kudos if you bed one of these than some run of the mill fitty.
Right boys, you know the drill. Now who's gonna take a shit on the wedding cake?
Ushers – Trusted enough to have been given responsibility but will be scorned that they weren’t asked to be best man. These lads will also be up to no good. You’re on the same page when it comes to free shit and the ladies so work like the wolfpack you are!
I've had three J20's and I'm smashed!
The 15 year old brother – Give the kid a break, he’s been drinking champagne all day, he thinks he can dance and he’s trying it on with a slammin’ hotty. You’ve already built up that layer of trust and he’s thinks you’re a dude from that one time you played X-Box with him. All that’s left is to teach him your wisdom of women and tell him it’s his round over and over again.
I just want to eat sugar!
Little Kids – There’s always kids at a wedding, scurrying around like vermin underneath tables. But these anklebiters can have their uses. If there’s anything that’s too outrageous even for you, you can bribe a small child with cake, alcohol or something else their mum said they weren’t allowed to have and command them to do your evil handiwork. May I suggest a cocktail sausage through the fly? Comedy gold!
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