Guide To Your Mates

Tom's Guide To Life is back after a lengthy absence!

Remember these handy, dandy lifestyle guides often contain some rather raucous language so if you are not of a strong disposition, look away now!

Tom's Guide To... Your Mates

Ah, your mates are the best aren’t they? Always there to call you a cunt, drop foreign objects in your pint or riffle through your mum’s knicker drawer. Those funny fuckers! But did you know, it’s been proven by science* that all groups of lads conform to the following groups?

*This may or may not be true.

If you’re thinking, I can fit my mates into nearly all of the categories except for that unsavoury character. Well my friend, that’s because it’s probably you.

The Smooth Operator

Classic example – Prince Harry

The ladies’ man, one handsome bastard with a sharp fashion sense and dance moves to match. While you’re with the lads, deciding whose shit-stained 50p is on the pool table, he’s schmoozing up the lovely behind the bar. While you’re content grinding up against some garden shed, he seems to have a harem of sexy girls orbiting him. He’s a handy asset to your squad though, acting like a Venus flytrap in a polo shirt, he lures unwary females over to your table. First impressions made, all that’s left is to flood pitchers of Cheeky Vimto down their necks until they think you’re as good looking and interesting as him. 

Pros – Wingman? He’s flying this fucking thing. Without him, you ugly mugs would have less chance picking up the hotties than an eskimo with a cold.

Cons – Your girlfriend almost certainly fancies him more than you.

The State

Classic example - Steve-O (Jackass) (Pre-sobriety)

And you thought you were hardcore? This mad fucker never stops! Come 4am you’re about ready for a taxi, a pitta full of dog meat and a nice warm bed to soil. He’s already talking about heading to the next club and meeting up for a beer and burger come lunchtime. You’ve reluctantly followed him on a night out before and ended up in a dingy basement flat, far from home, not knowing anyone while he’s locked in a room doing cocaine off a midget’s elbow. Meanwhile, scary men are threatening to ‘shank you’ unless you get in the den they’ve made out of living room furniture.

Pros – Always up for it. Just finished work? Let’s get a pint! Girlfriend dumped you? Let’s get a pint! Someone stole your kidney in an alley?...

Cons – He’ll probably end up addicted to a class-A drug, go to rehab, relapse and end up living in a crack-den. You’ll try and stay in touch at first but get frustrated every time he asks for a fiver for his fix.

The Guy Who Has A House.

Classic Example - Tom Cruise in Risky Business

When it’s too cold to sit on the swings, drinking cheap cider you’re normally at his house. Who cares if you burn ciggy holes in the sofa, mash Quavers into the carpet or let stray cats shit in his fridge? Here, there are no rules. All that’s left to do is fill every available space with beer, arrange a party to rival a Gipsy funeral via the internet and wait for the local news reporters to arrive.

Pros – If you’re sick on his floor you can just cover it in newspaper and let nature take its course.

Cons – His landlord will throw him out after the complaints about noise, illegal fight clubs and badger infestations that will inevitably result from your soirees. 

The Nutcase

Classic example – Francis Begbie (Trainspotting)

While you impress the ladies with your spot on MC Hammer moves, he stands on the side-lines, scanning the area for danger like some steroid-abusing meerkat. When someone innocently dances into you, he’s the first on the scene, neck veins pulsing, index finger pointing vigorously. The Nutcase definitely has his uses though. If those dick’eds who are getting fresh aren’t subdued by your Chinese burns and girlish slaps, he can step in, thus saving the day.

Pros – You feel more secure than a spunk-resistant Megan Fox in a prison for bukkake maniacs in this mad bastard’s company.

Cons – He starts more trouble than he prevents, the night ultimately ending with you face down on the concrete when the bouncers decide “someone looking at me funny” isn’t a good enough excuse to break a man’s head off the urinal.

The Butt of all Jokes

Classic example – Pancho (Dirty Sanchez)

He’s probably a bit short, a bit fat and a bit of a lightweight and he takes the one-way traffic of banter like a sponge. He’s the first one you break out the sharpie on after a few too many Jagerbombs and is just the perfect size to arrange a living room on top of, if human buckaroo is more your thing, you progressive fuckers. Yes, he’s an idiot, with comebacks about as sharp as a spoon and game about as stylish as Accrington Stanley, but he’s your idiot! And by God, you’ll defend him if anyone but the lads takes the piss.

Pros – You can quickly and seamlessly turn any unwanted abuse onto him. (Example; the lads are telling you how much they want to shag your mum, to which you reply, ‘fair enough, but let’s agree that we all really want to shag ‘BOAJ’s’ mum.’ The boys nod in agreement and you resume your pint, your mum’s honour intact).

Cons – He’ll probably want the ‘why don’t you respect me?’ chat, every few months. You’ll recognise that you probably give him a bit of a hard time and end it with an apology and a manly hug. Then you call him a cunt within 5 minutes of hanging out with the lads, to a rapturous applause - and the status quo is restored. 

The Guy Who’s Never Out

Classic example – The Prodigal Son (The Bible, dipshit)

Either he’s completely pussy whipped, a serial masturbator or maybe he just too cool to hang out with you pricks, but when he’s about, he’s greeted with complicated high fives and off the cuff wanders to the pub, abandoning all prior engagements (girlfriends anniversary, granddad’s funeral, doctors to get that lump on your bollock sorted). You’ll drunkenly swear to meet up more often and then take it in turns to one-up each other’s stories about the times you hung out with this awesome motherfucker, parading him around like some sick, fleshy trophy. He sits uncomfortably; glad he doesn’t see you more often.

Pros – He’s just awesome, remember that time when you all went camping and he did that cool thing and it was awesome? He doesn’t.

Cons – You lent him £30 for that trip to the pub and you probably won’t see him again for another 3 years. By that time the country has gone to the dogs, currency has depreciated in value and all £30 can buy you is a pack of skittles. The sly cunt planned this all along.

The Shit-Chatter

Classic example – Jay (The Inbetweeners)

You’re never quite sure why you hang around with this lad. Sure he’s a mate, but do you really care ‘what he should have said’ to those geezers at the last bar? Or that time he drank himself sober? Or when he freed all those sailors from the Somali pirates? You probably put up with him because your parents are all old friends and told you to let him hang around with you and the boys. Even back then he was liar, never shutting up about how his dad used to molest him, the little fibber!

Pros – It’s difficult to find anything good in this annoying little twat’s repertoire. Apparently he once had trials for Everton so he must be pretty good at football. Even though it’s unquestionably bullshit, we’ll give him that. Just.

Cons – He’s a bit of a prick.

The Girl

Elliot (Scrubs)

She’s a star isn’t she? The only one who, not only remembers it’s your birthday, but buys you a present too! She’s just one of guys really, but she smells better. You can honestly tell her how you’re feeling about life, your hopes and dreams and not live in fear that she’ll tell the fellas. And the best part is you don’t even fancy her, you’re just really good mates who enjoy each other’s company, regardless of gender. Then you get drunk and try to shag her. Bad move.

Pros – Girls won’t think you’re involved in a hideous human trafficking ring when they see one of their own, free of bruises and clearly not on heroin, acting comfortably in your ranks.

Cons – You can’t stop trying to shag her. Plus one week a month she goes a bit mental.

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So there you go. Sorry if I've dashed any conceptions of friendships you may have but maybe you just need to be a better judge of character! I guess this shows why I don't have any friends!