Guide To Your Mates

Tom's Guide To Life is back after a lengthy absence!

Remember these handy, dandy lifestyle guides often contain some rather raucous language so if you are not of a strong disposition, look away now!

Tom's Guide To... Your Mates

Ah, your mates are the best aren’t they? Always there to call you a cunt, drop foreign objects in your pint or riffle through your mum’s knicker drawer. Those funny fuckers! But did you know, it’s been proven by science* that all groups of lads conform to the following groups?

*This may or may not be true.

If you’re thinking, I can fit my mates into nearly all of the categories except for that unsavoury character. Well my friend, that’s because it’s probably you.

The Smooth Operator

Classic example – Prince Harry

The ladies’ man, one handsome bastard with a sharp fashion sense and dance moves to match. While you’re with the lads, deciding whose shit-stained 50p is on the pool table, he’s schmoozing up the lovely behind the bar. While you’re content grinding up against some garden shed, he seems to have a harem of sexy girls orbiting him. He’s a handy asset to your squad though, acting like a Venus flytrap in a polo shirt, he lures unwary females over to your table. First impressions made, all that’s left is to flood pitchers of Cheeky Vimto down their necks until they think you’re as good looking and interesting as him. 

Pros – Wingman? He’s flying this fucking thing. Without him, you ugly mugs would have less chance picking up the hotties than an eskimo with a cold.

Cons – Your girlfriend almost certainly fancies him more than you.

The State

Classic example - Steve-O (Jackass) (Pre-sobriety)

And you thought you were hardcore? This mad fucker never stops! Come 4am you’re about ready for a taxi, a pitta full of dog meat and a nice warm bed to soil. He’s already talking about heading to the next club and meeting up for a beer and burger come lunchtime. You’ve reluctantly followed him on a night out before and ended up in a dingy basement flat, far from home, not knowing anyone while he’s locked in a room doing cocaine off a midget’s elbow. Meanwhile, scary men are threatening to ‘shank you’ unless you get in the den they’ve made out of living room furniture.

Pros – Always up for it. Just finished work? Let’s get a pint! Girlfriend dumped you? Let’s get a pint! Someone stole your kidney in an alley?...

Cons – He’ll probably end up addicted to a class-A drug, go to rehab, relapse and end up living in a crack-den. You’ll try and stay in touch at first but get frustrated every time he asks for a fiver for his fix.

The Guy Who Has A House.

Classic Example - Tom Cruise in Risky Business

When it’s too cold to sit on the swings, drinking cheap cider you’re normally at his house. Who cares if you burn ciggy holes in the sofa, mash Quavers into the carpet or let stray cats shit in his fridge? Here, there are no rules. All that’s left to do is fill every available space with beer, arrange a party to rival a Gipsy funeral via the internet and wait for the local news reporters to arrive.

Pros – If you’re sick on his floor you can just cover it in newspaper and let nature take its course.

Cons – His landlord will throw him out after the complaints about noise, illegal fight clubs and badger infestations that will inevitably result from your soirees. 

The Nutcase

Classic example – Francis Begbie (Trainspotting)

While you impress the ladies with your spot on MC Hammer moves, he stands on the side-lines, scanning the area for danger like some steroid-abusing meerkat. When someone innocently dances into you, he’s the first on the scene, neck veins pulsing, index finger pointing vigorously. The Nutcase definitely has his uses though. If those dick’eds who are getting fresh aren’t subdued by your Chinese burns and girlish slaps, he can step in, thus saving the day.

Pros – You feel more secure than a spunk-resistant Megan Fox in a prison for bukkake maniacs in this mad bastard’s company.

Cons – He starts more trouble than he prevents, the night ultimately ending with you face down on the concrete when the bouncers decide “someone looking at me funny” isn’t a good enough excuse to break a man’s head off the urinal.

The Butt of all Jokes

Classic example – Pancho (Dirty Sanchez)

He’s probably a bit short, a bit fat and a bit of a lightweight and he takes the one-way traffic of banter like a sponge. He’s the first one you break out the sharpie on after a few too many Jagerbombs and is just the perfect size to arrange a living room on top of, if human buckaroo is more your thing, you progressive fuckers. Yes, he’s an idiot, with comebacks about as sharp as a spoon and game about as stylish as Accrington Stanley, but he’s your idiot! And by God, you’ll defend him if anyone but the lads takes the piss.

Pros – You can quickly and seamlessly turn any unwanted abuse onto him. (Example; the lads are telling you how much they want to shag your mum, to which you reply, ‘fair enough, but let’s agree that we all really want to shag ‘BOAJ’s’ mum.’ The boys nod in agreement and you resume your pint, your mum’s honour intact).

Cons – He’ll probably want the ‘why don’t you respect me?’ chat, every few months. You’ll recognise that you probably give him a bit of a hard time and end it with an apology and a manly hug. Then you call him a cunt within 5 minutes of hanging out with the lads, to a rapturous applause - and the status quo is restored. 

The Guy Who’s Never Out

Classic example – The Prodigal Son (The Bible, dipshit)

Either he’s completely pussy whipped, a serial masturbator or maybe he just too cool to hang out with you pricks, but when he’s about, he’s greeted with complicated high fives and off the cuff wanders to the pub, abandoning all prior engagements (girlfriends anniversary, granddad’s funeral, doctors to get that lump on your bollock sorted). You’ll drunkenly swear to meet up more often and then take it in turns to one-up each other’s stories about the times you hung out with this awesome motherfucker, parading him around like some sick, fleshy trophy. He sits uncomfortably; glad he doesn’t see you more often.

Pros – He’s just awesome, remember that time when you all went camping and he did that cool thing and it was awesome? He doesn’t.

Cons – You lent him £30 for that trip to the pub and you probably won’t see him again for another 3 years. By that time the country has gone to the dogs, currency has depreciated in value and all £30 can buy you is a pack of skittles. The sly cunt planned this all along.

The Shit-Chatter

Classic example – Jay (The Inbetweeners)

You’re never quite sure why you hang around with this lad. Sure he’s a mate, but do you really care ‘what he should have said’ to those geezers at the last bar? Or that time he drank himself sober? Or when he freed all those sailors from the Somali pirates? You probably put up with him because your parents are all old friends and told you to let him hang around with you and the boys. Even back then he was liar, never shutting up about how his dad used to molest him, the little fibber!

Pros – It’s difficult to find anything good in this annoying little twat’s repertoire. Apparently he once had trials for Everton so he must be pretty good at football. Even though it’s unquestionably bullshit, we’ll give him that. Just.

Cons – He’s a bit of a prick.

The Girl

Elliot (Scrubs)

She’s a star isn’t she? The only one who, not only remembers it’s your birthday, but buys you a present too! She’s just one of guys really, but she smells better. You can honestly tell her how you’re feeling about life, your hopes and dreams and not live in fear that she’ll tell the fellas. And the best part is you don’t even fancy her, you’re just really good mates who enjoy each other’s company, regardless of gender. Then you get drunk and try to shag her. Bad move.

Pros – Girls won’t think you’re involved in a hideous human trafficking ring when they see one of their own, free of bruises and clearly not on heroin, acting comfortably in your ranks.

Cons – You can’t stop trying to shag her. Plus one week a month she goes a bit mental.

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So there you go. Sorry if I've dashed any conceptions of friendships you may have but maybe you just need to be a better judge of character! I guess this shows why I don't have any friends!

Find out what happened when I wanted a free Kit Kat

Since my Emails to the FA and Olympics went down such a storm, here is another example of me harassing hardworking people because I was bored and unemployed.

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I'll just get started with the emails, they put more eloquently into words more undying love for Kit Kat Chunky Peanut Butter.




For which I received two replies!



And then again the even better...

 

Now, I don't know who's in charge of Nestle's customer service but they seriously need to keep track of themselves and I ended up with twice as many Kit Kats, not that I'm complaining.

I also received a third reply but it was so boringly corporate and unimaginative that I couldn't be bothered putting up the picture. Seriously it sounds like it was written by an old dinner lady and didn't once bring up the topic of free Kit Kats the miserable old bitch!

Anyway, I replied quickly to both of these emails and generally played it cool. You know me...




Anyway, it was the second reply that interested me most, the so called 'box' of Kit Kats, I could have feasted my way to an early coronary or even better, I later learned that during the Challenge, boxes of Peanut Butter Kit Kats were being sold on E-Bay for upwards of £220.

Nestle were in regular contact with me over the next few days, organising a courier to bring my box over.

I'm going to break away from normal tradition and let Internet memes take over to display my surprise on arrival of my box. Or 'box.'






Wow...

This is not what I thought you meant when you said 'a box of Kit Kats.'

Cheers Nestle.........

So in the end I only got 4 Kit Kats (as the lady from the first email sent a bag of 3) but my journey wasn't finished there... Oh no...

If you remember from the first email I used my incredibly funny and inventive brain to come up with some slogans?

Well I was later asked by a company called The Big Kick (the advertising agency for Nestle) to come in and help thrash out ideas for another promotion. And they paid me a cool £100 per day and gave me a Kit Kat. Oh yeah!

Hey Nestle, you keep chopping down the rainforest and slitting Orang-utan's throats. You keep paying me that money and I'm your guy!




There's the money-shot.

What Really Grinds My Gears #2

After the mass popularity of my last grinds my gears segment in which I massed a total of one reply, it's time so a second instalment!

Do you know what really grinds my gears?




"I'm just going to nip out for a fag"
Smokers taking loads of breaks
We all love taking a break in work, me more than most, but at the same time when it really comes down to a hard, busy shift, I get stuck in and work my arse off. What a legend! At the same time, getting a sneaky half hour break does come as a welcome relief, busy or not.
So why then, in the eyes of society, does a person who smokes get to take the piss and take 4-5 fag breaks during a busy shift? Why do they get more time to relax than a non-smoker life myself? This doesn't seem fair.
A smoker would challenge this by saying something ridiculous like, "I need a cigarette to work properly." Fuck you, you don't 'need' one, you 'want' one. Ok, nicotine addiction is both physical and mental but I think even the most hardened of 'users' for lack of a better word can manage to work an hour without needing a cigarette. If not, you got a problem buddy.
And why is someone who is addicted to a nicotine allowed to pursue their own recreational habit when someone else isn't? If I was a recreational cocaine user would I be given the same 5 minutes free to take a sneaky line of the cistern in the gents? In a less extreme version, can you imagine the look of horror on a customers face is you cracked a can of lager, downed it in 5 minutes and went back to doing your job? Why doesn't the sight of a member of a workplace receive the same interest if they are smoking?


In some jobs I've been given the opportunity to take 5 minutes here and there to get a bit of fresh air, but only because I've asked. In other places I've been given a look of complete bemusement as if I'm trying to make a hilarious joke. What, you're serious?! 
This isn't a blog to have a go at smokers (mate fill your boots, enjoy it), or even at those who take a fag break (except the ones who really do take the piss, have a chat, read the newspaper). Why do workplaces allow freedoms to smokers that are deprived to those who don't smoke? Discuss

Find out what happened when I challenged for Olympic Gold

I'd remained sceptical about the forthcoming London Olympics for a number of reasons. I think the astronomical cost of all the new infrastructure and other amenities will far outweigh the tourism and sponsorship booms that may result from it. The fact that we're still relying on Indonesian children sewing our Olympic merchandise, when there are children in Leeds ripe for exploitation shows how we are still to heavily dependent on pinching pennies. In all seriousness, that an American company was chosen to print all the Olympic tickets over the multitude of printing businesses on our own shores shows how the organisers could care less about boosting the British economy.

Oh, and that shirt in the picture gave me a blister while I was playing volleyball! The child labourers of the grim North would never have let something as serious as jogger's nipple past their screening.

The Olympics isn't supposed to be about money, it's about the athletes. Anyone can be an achieve their goals if they really set their mind to it, especially in the Western World, where AIDS, starvation and an eight year old with an AK-47 won't ruin a good training montage.

With this in mind, I approached the board of Olympics with an offer they could not refuse (spoiler alert: they did).

To which I received what I feel was a very prompt and warm reply from the British Olympics Association.

Note the very sincere 'best of luck' quote.

Not to be perturbed I sent the same email to the Football Association and after waiting for ages they sent me this very curt message.

Hm... it's a bit corporate and doesn't really explain how Andy Carroll made the Euro squad but at least they offered some critical advice which I undoubtedly took and replied with this.

Only to receive this reply.

I mean come on, the miserable bastards. You would of thought the FA could take a joke, after all, just look at their recent spending strategy with Capello.

After this break away I didn't respond. I felt let down by my own nation and felt the Olympics would be better off without me. Maybe I wasn't ever meant to show the world my unbelievable tekkers. The dreams of a nation may have fallen on one man's shoulders, a true underdog story, played out over 90 minutes. Instead they were cruelly cast aside by the big boy bullies at the FA.

Still, I'll only be 29 when the next Olympics come around, the prime for a footballer, so will try again then and hopefully have an Olympic gold medal to show to strangers on the bus and put above the fireplace between the Technology Award I won in year 6 (and never gave back) and the photo of me and Bepe from Eastenders.

Roy Hodgson and England - Time for a change?

With Roy Hodgson now at the reins for England, can the fans expect a change ahead of Euro 2012?

With so little time to experiment before the tournament, I suspect not. Fabio Capello, in a bid to rejuvenate the squad that had capitulated in South Africa, had given chances to youngsters such as Tom Cleverley and Adam Johnson, as well as unsung players who deserved their chance, such as Bobby Zamora and Scott Parker.

This will be the first time I can remember England going into a major tournament where the press aren't expecting the to Three Lions triumph (although I'm sure a large portion of the media will jump on the England bandwagon closer to the time) and this could be exactly what England need.

People have said that Roy Hodgson brings the best out of mediocre players and does not have the experience managing bigger superstars. At the end of the day, this is what the England team currently are and maybe Hodgson is the perfect candidate. Maybe not for the long-term, but to help England through a respectable European Championship and guide them to the World Cup in Brazil, blooding in the raw, young talent that could potentially grow into a fantastic team.

Critics feel that under Hodgson, like Capello, England will play 'boring' football. With the current crop of players, especially in midfield who have a knack at retaining the ball and soaking up pressure, I feel this may be just what England need. Add to this the explosive speed of the wingers like Theo Walcott, Aaron Lennon and Ashley Young to launch counter attacks, which will be especially important while without Rooney for the first two games, who Hodgson has said will definitely be in his squad.

I propose England play a 4-3-2-1 formation, utilising a steady, 3-man midfield and wingers playing high up the park, supporting a lone striker. This will be tricky without Rooney and the squad I believe should be on the plane for Poland/Ukraine does not include another striker quite like the Man United hit-man.

Have a look at my squad of 23 players. With two games of the season remaining, injuries may change this list.

I feel between the sticks is a no brainer. A position that would have once been a headache of an England manager is well and truly sorted with Joe Hart thoroughly establishing himself as England's No. 1. The Manchester City stopper is one of England's few world class players and an easy pick. With Hodgson at the helm, I believe Ben Foster will end his self-imposed exile and return to the England fold after proving himself to be a very capable goalkeeper over the last two seasons. The wealth of options for third choice goalie, who will only appear if the very worst of injuries occur, would be Scott Carson. While I haven't kept up with Bursaspor's form this season he has been named in the past few England squads and has possibly done more than John Ruddy or Robert Green to earn his place.

Defence will be tricky. As much as John Terry and the very public racial allegations continue to haunt him, he is still my first choice centreback for England, however, not wearing the captain's armband. I feel Rio Ferdinand's end of season form and vast experience also earns him a call-up but I feel Terry's Chelsea partner, Gary Cahill will be the preferred option at the back. Whether Rio and Terry will see eye-to-eye is still a very concerning debate. My final centreback place goes to Manchester City's Joleon Lescott who has been overlooked in the past but has looked confident and assured throughout the season. Manchester United's young duo Phil Jones and Chris Smalling have both tailed away in the latter half of the season, while Michael Dawson and Ledley King have failed to rediscover form after injuries. Phil Jagielka still does not look comfortable in an England shirt.

Ashley Cole still retains his place at left back and Tottenham's Kyle Walker just gets the nod ahead of Micah Richards for the first choice right back position. Richards is still deserving of a place in the squad and can also fill in a centre back if necessary. Leighton Baines would be my backup left back and I doubt there are many that could argue with these selections. The form of Newcastle's Danny Simpson earns him an honourable mention but not a place on the team, while Glen Johnson has had a poor season with Liverpool.

The England midfield has been a bone of contention for many years. Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard cannot play together in midfield but both make the cut. Lampard's form this season has been solid, if unspectacular. Gerrard just makes the team as I feel it would be good for the younger players to have Liverpool skipper in the squad. It will be a selection headache for Hodgson and I have picked Gerrard ahead James Milner. This was a tough choice as Milner's versatility is a strong part of his game but Gerrard is still a very capable player and can offer England different options while maybe not over a full 90 minutes. I have given other central midfield berths to Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick and my England captain, Scott Parker. Both Barry and Carrick have had great seasons and I feel it would be a disgrace if Carrick was not selected. Injuries to Jack Wilshere and Jack Rodwell rule them out, while Tom Cleverley has not played enough games to merit a place. I do feel all three of these players will have a large part to play in England's future.

I feel it will be on the flanks England have their best chance of achieving success. Despite his inconsistencies, I have selected Theo Walcott who just gets the nod ahead of his Arsenal team-mate Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who is still too raw and inexperienced for a big tournament. Tottenham's Aaron Lennon can operate on either wing but I feel Ashley Young would be a better starter, bringing Lennon on as a substitute to wear down weary opponents. There is no room in the squad for Stewart Downing or Adam Johnson while Scott Sinclair and Matt Jarvis deserve to be mentioned for consideration.

With Wayne Rooney missing the first two games, my 4-3-2-1 formation suffers but I still feel it can work. Danny Welbeck has led the line at times for Manchester United, while Rooney drops back, and has done it effectively so he gets the nod up front until Rooney returns. Peter Crouch has been in sterling form for Stoke this season and should be used as an impact substitution to turn a tie if time is running out. My final place goes to Chelsea's pacey forward, Daniel Sturridge who can also play in the advanced winger role as he does for the Blues. I would have loved to include Grant Holt in this selection as his Premier League performances this season have earned him a call-up. However, it would be reckless of Hodgson to include him in his final squad but I feel he should be given a chance to prove himself in the upcoming friendlies against Norway and Belgium. Jermain Defoe has never impressed me for England but could get the nod ahead of either Sturridge or Welbeck to counter the Rooney issue while Darren Bent's decision to rule himself out of Aston Villa's remaining ties, on the brink of relegation, to focus on the Euro's is disgraceful. Bobby Zamora has not had a great season while Swansea's Danny Graham is not good enough at the top level. Talk of Andy Carroll's inclusion in the squad is laughable.

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My team is interchangeable, with Gerrard able to come in for Lampard, Barry for Carrick, Ferdinand for Cahill etc. Rooney's inclusion is based on his return from suspension, with Welbeck or Crouch leading the line until then.



Joe Hart

             Kyle Waker    John Terry    Gary Cahill    Ashley Cole

                  Scott Parker     Frank Lampard   Michael Carrick

                         Theo Walcott                   Ashley Young

Wayne Rooney

While I feel that this team is not hugely different to the one that disappointed in South Africa and reverting to many of the 'Golden Generation' may seem negative, I feel England should mix youth with experience and hopefully for fans, impress at a tournament where they are expected to fail.

Would you change anyone in this squad?

1. Joe Hart

2. Kyle Walker

3. Ashley Cole

4. Steven Gerrard

5. Rio Ferdinand

6. John Terry

7. Scott Parker

8. Frank Lampard

9. Wayne Rooney

10. Peter Crouch

11. Ashley Young

12. Micah Richards

13. Ben Foster

14. Theo Walcott

15. Gary Cahill

16. Michael Carrick

17. Leighton Baines

18. Daniel Sturridge

19. Gareth Barry

20. Aaron Lennon

21. Danny Welbeck

22. Joleon Lescott

23. Scott Carson