Guide To The Bus

Tom's inflammatory guide to life is back. With a slightly less offensive but no less incendiary Tom's Guide to The Bus. We all no and hate the bus, Maggie Thatcher famously said if you ride a bus and you're over 30, then you're a failure. What did that stuck up tory bitch know, right? But seriously, the bus sucks and stinks of piss.

Read this.




The Bus



Despite the constant threat of ticket price rises, cancellations because someone urinated on the driver and Tyrannosaurus-rex attacks, you decided to rely on public transport. Not only do you travel in the yo-yoing temperatures of sub-Saharan heat and Antarctic winters or aggressive driving techniques, you also have the pleasure of riding with the most ragtag group of travelling companions since the cast of Lord of the Rings and Fear in Loathing crossed paths (just outside of Moria, I believe). Riding on the bus could almost be like a cool, sexy action film, except the only boners you’ll be getting are from the vibrations.




The Driver
Apart from the single minded desire of knocking down at least 3 cyclists a day, this poor guy has little to look forward to. While he receives no respect from the carousel of oddball passenger, your no-frills chauffeur would love nothing more than to pretend this was the bus from Speed, crashing through cars, jumping bridges. His reality is making the next bus stop that’s 3 minutes away in 2.20, narrating clever catchphrases in his head (before time runs out) in a gruff American voice.

Most likely to say: Get the fuck out of my cunting, twatting way, you shit. Fucksticks.




The Scallywag
Considerately sprawls across the entire backseat to deprive pensioners, paraplegic war veterans and pregnant, blind, guide dog using asthmatics a seat. Insists on playing shitty techno music through their Nokia 3310 (retro motherfucker) and swearing at ambulances through the back window. The scallywag likes to leave their mark with a sharpie tag of their name, chewing gum on the bottom of the seat while the more socially aware leave a nice gozz.

Most likely to say: What the fuck are you looking at, Goff?




The Old Dears
After a hard day shopping in town for ornaments, cat food and prune juice, the two old dears at the front animatedly talk about their favourite settings on a rampant rabbit or how they would like a ‘big, strong black man’ to replace their recently deceased husband. You awkwardly catch their eye and without shame, they kindly smile back, sickeningly reminding you of your lovely, 80 year old Nanna.

Most likely to say: Ooh, young man!




The Bag Head
The bag head balances the journey trying to fish 20p from between the seats with the pained expression of someone attempting spinal surgery through binoculars and the other half grunting, spitting and swearing at no one in particular. With an oversized jacket and lank, greasy hair she is surrounded by an odour so thick it’s visible. The rumours that she chose this life over the Parisian art scene, just to spite her abusive father, remain unsubstantiated.

Most likely to say: Mwur Saacha Pitck (loosely translated to a haunting beautiful Nordic haiku)




The Germy Sneezer
With a sweaty complexion and a packet of Kleenex handy, the germy sneezer generously shares his ailments with everyone in an indiscriminate manner. Whether hacking greenies forth or sneezing vigorously into the hair of the person in front of him, this Lemsip-addled motherfucker looks like he’s ready to pass out and should probably be quarantined, never mind go to work.

Most likely to say: No, I’ve been to the doctor, it’s definitely not contagious (before his arm falls off).




The Man who’s car is in the Shop
He curses the senile fool who pranged his Astra, protectively clutching his briefcase as though it contains the Ark of the Covenant. Looks both visibly annoyed and scared when anyone sits down next to him and practically runs off the bus at his stop, smoothing the creases and unfathomable stains from his Matalan suit.

Most likely to say: No you can’t sit here, this seat’s for my bag.




Breast-feeding mother
With nipples resembling digestive biscuits and oblivious to all social norms and laws of decency, this not-so-yummy-mummy just whips a titty out in full public view to feed her screaming spawn. Everyone looks away embarrassed apart from a strange staring man next to her, repeatedly rubbing his thighs, drooling. You can’t help taking a quick glance but instantly regret it.

Most likely to say: Breast is best!




Hysterical girl on phone
One minute she’s quietly chatting away, the next she’s screaming like a banshee who trod on a plug, threatening to leave his clothes in boxes on the driveway, flush his guitar down the bog and set his guinea pig on fire. After hastily backtracking, begging for forgiveness and a few quick ‘I love you babes,’ she’s off again at a million miles an hour with warnings to watch his and his mums backs.

Most likely to say: Lusquishiana, it’s Rhianadonna, Dave just broke up with me. His dick's proper tiny and he’s shit in bed. SPREAD IT!




Stupid Tourist
This annoyingly chirpy holidaymaker maybe contributing to our economy but they’re definitely holding our day up. Defying all notions of a pre-pay ticket system, she roots through her bumbag (I know, seriously?) checking every single penny, oblivious the line of angry people behind her.

Most likely to say: So this is 50p? Your money sure is crazy!




The Ogling Pervert
Makes seedy advances towards every member of the opposite sex with winks, wolf whistles and grabbing his crotch à la some depraved Michael Jackson (and he was such a wholesome fella). Like some greasy haired snake he sidles over to one victim and begins demanding phone numbers, house keys and potential threesomes with other female travellers. You think about having a word but he looks like a canal-side murderer and you’re a massive wuss.

Most likely to say: A bus related chat-up line, maybe: Hey there diamond eyes, I felt some sexual tension. Maybe you can press my button, but don’t worry, I won’t stop.




Dirty Stopout
Nothing says ‘I was out fucking last night’ like high heels, unwashed club stamps on the back of a hand and an odour of sweat and shame at 10am. Makeup’s smeared, a sock’s missing and everyone’s staring but she doesn’t care. Heels in hand, she just chows down her Gingsters, aiming to get home before her boyfriend finishes his night shift.

Most likely to say: I’m just making an effort to go to the shops.




The girl of your dreams
She gets on the bus wreathed by nymphs and trumpeting angels, walks in slow motion and smells like cake. The reason she sits next to you is not because she’s attracted to you, you’re merely the closest thing to a normal person on here. And that smile she flashes you is simply a ‘what the fuck are you looking at, freak?’ while she counts down the minutes to get away from you.

Most likely to say: Excuse me (to your incredulous surprise), your boner is jabbing me.


---------------


So, there you go. Have you seen these people? I mean outside of crime watch? Let me know if I've missed anyone!

Support for Internet Piracy

During my lovely holiday naptimes (come 4 o'clock after a busy day sunbathing, eating a heavy lunch with as many free alcoholic beverages as you like, you need a nap) I checked out BBC World Service to check what I was missing out on in the world.

Cue SOPA and PIPA. I'm sure there's much more to the issue, but from my point of view, it seems like the media execs are getting pissed because I can log onto MegaUpload and watch the new Twilight film (THEY'RE REALLY GOOD, OK?) for free. This means everyone from Summit Entertainment and Edward to the Best Boy and the Gaffer ain't getting no money. Poor fuckers.

This is unsurprising really as all of those people look to make as much money as possible for no other reason than they like counting it and piling all into little gold doubloons in a vault somewhere, dress up in an old fashioned bathing suit and dive into it, a'la Scrooge McDuck.



But what I was really surprised and almost ashamed with, were the small creative people who were supporting this vile act of illegal oppression. There was an author who claimed her books were had leaked on the internet and were available for free online and she wasn't making enough money. An Indonesian film maker who made a documentary about the life of Barack Obama as a child and that he had no support in trying to remove it from streaming through the internet, notably it's availability on YouTube.

As a creative sort myself it would make sense for me to but in support of this piece of legislation, right? WRONG! Back in the day of Leucine, we made a little 4-track EP called Step One: Proceed. And still to this day I think, 'man, that EP is fucking well good!' We went about getting our EP on all the normal outlets for music (iTunes, Amazon as well as physical copies). To this day, nearly 3 years later, I think we probably sold around 120 units of that CD through physical copies and online MP3 downloads.

At the same time we flooded the internet with it from a single Rapidshare root and within a year we had over 15,000 downloads. That was from just one source, not people who had downloaded it and then uploaded it themselves. I have absolutely no idea how many downloads it has had in total today but from I'll estimate and say 20,000.


YOU CAN DOWNLOAD IT HERE, COS I'M SO NICE

So, the question is, would I prefer the money from 120 people? Or would I prefer 20,000 people to hear my music? At the end of the day, I was in a band because it was fun and create something fun.

Creativity is an expression of yourself; that you have created something you are proud of, no matter what other people think.

To the women author who supported the new laws, maybe if you let a few of your books slip through the cracks you'll gain a bigger presence and more people will buy them. The fact I didn't know who you were or that I can't even remember your name speaks volumes that you can't expect everyone to buy your books.

To the Indonesian film maker. Are you not happy that your film has exploded into a position where it is much more visible to wider audience? I can't imagine independent films from Indonesia have big marketing teams behind then and after all, surely the reason you made a film was so someone would watch it, right?


I'm a massive cunt and only care about MONEY!!!!


When did theses creative people become such sellouts? Why do you feel that you are owed financial consideration, is making someone enjoy a good book or film or an EP not the reason why you decided to express yourself in the first place? Did Da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa because he new he was getting a big fat wedge out of it? Did Shakespeare write all of his work so that he could buy a new landau carriage, get it lowered and ride around on the pussaaay patrol?

Yes, there needs to be something in place that ensures small time producers do receive some form of protection but to the Hollywood execs and media moguls. You can go and fuck yourselves! Even in a recession and a time when cinema and music sales are dropping, directors, actors and musicians are making more money than ever. There was one time Leucine did get snotty with the availability of Step One: Proceed and that was when we found an Uzbek website selling our songs. Whether they actually sold any, I'll never know (I know we rarely did) but we sent a few strongly worded emails courtesy of some of our legal savvy friends and the situation was resolved.

You need to get with the fucking times and think of a new way to market yourselves instead of relying on tired, lazy techniques. The internet has changed everything, including copyright laws.



Here's an example, it may be wrong so don't quote me. The band Thursday, fronted by Geoff Rickly. Thursday were a moderately sized band and in 2009 Geoff apparently earned a meagre $10,000. This is just a fact, he didn't complain about it, I'm just pointing it out that $10,000 when you haven't released an album in that year, when your label supports you financially when you're on tour, when you wake up every day and realise you get to be in a band, FOR YOUR JOB, then earning $10,000 a year ain't half bad. As I said, Geoff never moaned about this, it was just mentioned that he had only earned this amount.

The upside of this oppression is that it will ensure the survival of internet piracy for the foreseeable future. Remember when Napster was shut down? Did that stop music piracy? No, in fact if Napster hadn't been shut down then the pirates probably would never had innovated as well as they have done, where we can now download a high quality album in a matter of seconds.

SOPA and PIPA have, for the time being, been postponed and I'm confident MegaUpload, with it's deep pockets and trove of highly skilled lawyers, will be back on it's feet in no time. And it better hurry up, I haven't seen Family Guy in weeks!



One last thing, I don't really like the Twilight films. They're shit. I really can't stress that enough.

Guide To Weddings

A while back I wrote a few features for magazines and sent them away. Heard nothing back so thought I'd post them up here in a new feature for this blog called...

Tom's Guide To Life

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

I wrote these for magazines like FRONT so as you'd expect there's a host of profanity as well as casual references to unprotected sex and excessive class A drug use. I really can't stress enough that if these AWESOME things upset you, you won't want to read this post.

Also, I have edited these since sending them. I'm not quite egotistical enough to send national magazines pieces entitled Tom's Guide To Life. Don't hate.

Tom's Guide To - Weddings

It is most definitely wedding season. Up and down the land, people were caught up with the friskiness of Spring; drinking al fresco, blowing dandelions and saying fuck it to a jonny, I’m riding bareback!

And instead of shamefully bringing up any bastardized offspring into this cesspit of a world, already full of crack-whores, Colombian drug cartels and violent meerkat gangs, the lucky girl’s dad screamed SHOTGUN WEDDING. And guess what? We’re all invited!



1. The Service

No longer is church a place where you have to sit still, do up your top button or listen to the vicar. Nowadays you can crank your iPod to 11, heckle the service (does anybody see fit to why these two shouldn’t be joined? Be THAT guy) and say ‘fuck the top button, I’m not even wearing a tie!’

Extra points – Tell obscene jokes to the vicar and jest him with tales of the bride’s infidelity. He’ll get it, the child molesting old bastard.



2. The Middle bit
You’ve been to the church, given the photographer directions to somewhere else (just to be super helpful), now’s the time to get stuck into as much free shit as you can. If there’s a free bar, chances are it won’t last all night so order at least 10-15 cold ones as soon as you get there. Buffet? You need to get to the front of that fucker even if it means taking out the bride, flower girls or grandma Jean and her UV drip. You’re gonna need some stamina to keep going all night and the Iceland chicken drummers and sausage rolls should do the trick.

Extra points – Tell the venue owner the bride’s family are Gipsies and they should think about getting the car park cleared before the caravans arrive.



3. The Party
The brides about the throw the bouquet? Catch that fucker and run like the wind. What’s the worst that could happen? You can sheepishly give it to the girl you think’s the fittest. The best? Getting crushed beneath several desperately single women in low cut dresses.

Everyone loves a good knees up and if any film I've seen ever is to go by, women are at least 8 times hornier at a wedding. If the venue is an elaborate mansion, take her to a flash bedroom in the east wing. If it’s a pub the bride’s uncle owns, take her out round the bins.

Extra points – Bridesmaids. You end up with one of these and you’re practically part of the family. Just make sure she’s over 18, you sick fuck!

--------------------------

The Guests


I wanted RED napkins. CALL THE FUCKING THING OFF. HE'S A USELESS CUNT!

The Bride – Seriously, you want to have fun and everything, but don’t cross this bitch! Even though she’s stealing your friend it’s advisable to keep as far out of her way as possible. Sure, she seemed friendly enough when you took over your amazing gift you got from the petrol station on the way from the church, but this is her day and if it was up to her, your seat would have gone to someone else.


I hope she's ok with the red napkins...

The Groom – Poor fella, he keeps a brave face but lets her do most of the talking (I suppose he better get ready for married life). He wants to join you outside for a beer but she’s already dragging him off to meet up great-aunt Mabel to check if her colostomy bag needs changing and say thank you for the blender he'll never use. Between his wife, his proud parents and that tit-of-a-best man, he’s too busy for you.


Which strapping young man is going to dance with me? I've checked with the husband, the threesome's on!

Mother-of-the-bride – She’s probably wearing a ridiculous hat, had a few strong brandies and is dancing too proactively for a woman of her age but that’s not an excuse to try and shag her. Even if she says she remembers you coming over when you were little and eating out of her biscuit tin, that’s not a euphemism.


Pack it in, lads. We're all having a good time here but if you wreck my daughters day I'll cut your fucking head off!

Father-of-the-bride – Red face, angry expression and neck veins pulsing, this is one angry dad. Not only has he lost his little girl to some twat who, the night before woke up in a skip, covered in vomit with a strippers minge on his elbow. Now he has to deal with all you fuckers shaking his hand and patting his shoulder basically saying ‘congrats, your daughters going abroad to get fucked every day for two weeks’. He remembers when you put that footie through his greenhouse and he sees the way you look at his wife.


I love you Gary, I do! Run away with me like we promised. Please, Gary! PLEASE!

Best Man – A complete sack of shit, acting like it’s a funeral because he’s lost his best friend, the pussy. He was acting a right chief at the stag do, making you all dress up in stupid shit and he’s at it again on the day. His speech was shit and full of inside jokes you didn’t get. You just hope he gets so drunk he’ll start verbally abusing the bride.


Lads...

Bridesmaids – Will have been put in a shitty dress to make the bride look better so will be doing everything they can to steal her thunder. Bridesmaids are at least 4 times hotter just for being bridesmaids (Maid of Honour is 8 times) and there is extra kudos if you bed one of these than some run of the mill fitty.


Right boys, you know the drill. Now who's gonna take a shit on the wedding cake?

Ushers – Trusted enough to have been given responsibility but will be scorned that they weren’t asked to be best man. These lads will also be up to no good. You’re on the same page when it comes to free shit and the ladies so work like the wolfpack you are!


I've had three J20's and I'm smashed!

The 15 year old brother – Give the kid a break, he’s been drinking champagne all day, he thinks he can dance and he’s trying it on with a slammin’ hotty. You’ve already built up that layer of trust and he’s thinks you’re a dude from that one time you played X-Box with him. All that’s left is to teach him your wisdom of women and tell him it’s his round over and over again.


I just want to eat sugar!

Little Kids – There’s always kids at a wedding, scurrying around like vermin underneath tables. But these anklebiters can have their uses. If there’s anything that’s too outrageous even for you, you can bribe a small child with cake, alcohol or something else their mum said they weren’t allowed to have and command them to do your evil handiwork. May I suggest a cocktail sausage through the fly? Comedy gold!

Best 11 Outside Top 6

Here's a fun game I just invented! Pick your starting 11 + 7 subs (if you like), without using players from Man Utd, Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool, Tottenham or Arsenal. Can you do it? Are you up to the test? Who knows!

Only 3 players from one team, sheeple!

I've done mine and I'm going to show it you. A few things to let you know, I'm going off the players form in the last 2 seasonsish... not how good they have been before that or how could they might become and I've also limited the number of players from the promoted teams unless they were already established Premier League players. Just to let you know, I've purposefully not including Gary Cahill or Adel Taarabt in my starting eleven as they will probably move clubs in the next transfer window. Let's go!

Goalkeeper


Name: Shay Given
Club: Aston Villa
Nationality Republic Of Ireland
Tom's accurate valuation £7,500,000

Shay Given is a great goalkeeper who I think could have played for a bigger team than Newcastle. Given signed for Villa from Man City for a reported £3.5 million after losing his place in the starting line up to Joe Hart. Had he been at a club where money is not an option, I feel his pricetag would have been much more inflated for a very established Premier League player.

Right Back


Name: Ryan Taylor
Club: Newcastle United
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £6,000,000

Ryan Taylor has been a solid right back for the last few seasons and has really helped Newcastle steady themselves since their return to the Premier League, especially given their recent defensive injuries. I found this position the hardest to cover, finding it hard to find a quality right back outside the top 6.

Left Back


Name: Leighton Baines
Club: Everton
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £25,000,000

No question about this choice, an absolute concrete decision. Baines has been nothing short of superb since his move to Goodison from Wigan and it has earned him several England caps as well as the attention of some of the top clubs. Whether Man City will test cash strapped Everton's resolve remains to be seen.

Centre Back


Name: Brede Hangeland
Club: Fulham
Nationality Norway
Tom's accurate valuation £10,000,000

Hangeland is a solid defender and has been linked to Arsenal for several of the last few seasons and his solid form is the reason for this. It looks now like Hangeland might see out his career with The Cottagers, where he was instrumental in the team that got to the Europa League final in 2010.

Centre Back


Name: Ryan Shawcross
Club: Stoke City
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

Many will dispute Shawcross's inclusion due to the incident with Aaron Ramsey but I don't feel it was anywhere near deliberate. Shawcross has been included in England squads but has never taken to the field but I believe he will be a regular face on the international scene. His form at Stoke has helped turn them into Premier League regulars, not the relegation candidates many tipped them to be.

Right Wing


Name: Matt Jarvis
Club: Wolverhampton Wanderers
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £7,000,000

Jarvis has not quite played with the same impressive form that earned him his first England cap last season but has still impressed this season. Wolves would definitely lacking creatively without him and hope that interest from several Premier League clubs will not try to sway him in January.

Left Wing


Name: Chris Brunt
Club: West Bromwich Albion
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £5,500,000

The Albion captain has been very impressive for The Baggies since their return to the Premier League and has thrown in some captain's performances, scoring vital goals. Since his move from Sheffield Wednesday in 2007, Brunt seems very much at home at The Hawthorns and may look to see out his career with the club.

Defensive Midfield


Name: Joey Barton
Club: Queens Park Rangers
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £7,000,000

Barton moved for to QPR for free in the summer but mainly due to being forced out from Newcastle after publicly criticizing owner Mike Ashley and not a slight on his ability. Barton was also rumoured to be joining Arsenal but his sending off against the Gunners scuppered any deal. His ability and creativity have helped QPR seemingly already achieve Premier League survival this season.

Attacking Midfield


Name: Clint Dempsey
Club: Fulham
Nationality USA
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

I feel Dempsey is one of the best midfielders in the Premier League. His attacking form and goalscoring speaks for itself. He was Fulham's top scorer last season and leads the Cottagers scoring charts again this year in a team that boasts attacking talents including Bobby Zamora, Andy Johnson and Moussa Dembele. I'm feel a team like Arsenal or Liverpool would be a great move for him.

Striker


Name: Demba Ba
Club: Newcastle United
Nationality Senegal
Tom's accurate valuation £15,000,000

Prolific. This is the only word I can use to describe Ba and his goal to game ratio in the Premier League speaks for itself. I was surprised when he left West Ham he didn't goal to a bigger team and he must have had a relegation release clause in his contract which allowed him to move for £0. He has more than replaced Andy Carroll in my opinion.

Striker


Name: Darren Bent
Club: Aston Villa
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £25,000,000

While his recent form has come under criticism, Bent's combined transfer fees have made him the most expensive British player and this is due to his goals. His reasons to leave Sunderland for Villa were to play in a team with players such as Ashley Young and Stuart Downing. Both have now left and it is rumoured Bent is considering his future.


Substitutes


Name: Ali Al-Habsi
Position Goalkeeper
Club: Wigan Athletic
Nationality Oman
Tom's accurate valuation £4,000,000

Name: Roger Johnson
Position Defender
Club: Wolves
Nationality England
Tom's accurate valuation £6,000,000

Name: Stephane Sessegnon
Position Midfielder
Club: Sunderland
Nationality Benin
Tom's accurate valuation £8,000,000

Name: Cheik Tiote
Position Midfielder
Club: Newcastle United
Nationality Côte d'Ivoire
Tom's accurate valuation £15,000,000

Name: Peter Odemwingie
Position Striker
Club: West Bromwich Albion
Nationality Nigeria
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

Name: Junior Hoilett
Position Striker
Club: Blackburn Rovers
Nationality Canada
Tom's accurate valuation £6,000,000 (due to contract expiring in June)

Name: Steven Fletcher
Position Striker
Club: Wolves
Nationality Scotland
Tom's accurate valuation £12,000,000

Misfits Series 3 VIDEO REVIEW

I'm getting with times. Reading's for chumps so I've taken the liberty of forcing my opinion down your throats via Dailymotion (YouTube are fucking Nazi's and kept taking it down). Never fear, you cannot escape the opinions!


Misfits Series 3 Review by TomRowleyConwy
Getting interactive on yo' ass!

If it says Channel 4 have been nob's then get on THIS LINK