Urban Exercise: – Men’s Health ain’t got shit on me.
So apparently we’re living in an age of obesity. Fatties fucking everywhere, like. But don’t rush off and spunk your money and precious ‘porn-surfing’ time in gyms, swim pools or gipsy boxing rings; where you’ll be embarrassed by much stronger, fitter people lifting up cars, shirtless, while you struggle to open your locker.
Why take the risk anyway? If a place full of these fit bastards is targeted by bears, swarms of angry bees or gunmen who were bullied by salads, then you’ll be the one left behind, sweating, struggling for breath and very much in their firing line while the fitties marathon, triple jump and pole vault away.
Never fear, there are plenty of places at home or out and about on climbing frames and that where you can work on that killer six-pack and your dynamite pecs.
Drinking a pint – Muscles used – Biceps
We all need fluid to live, so why not combine drinking your lovely, delicious and well-earned pint with working out? If history has taught us anything it’s that women love big arms; Hercules, Arnie, Alex Reid; so sculpt those guns and the girls will be begging you to cover them in devil’s porridge.
Top Tip: Try two pints at once to keep balance and get twice as pissed! Go on, you deserve it.
Washing your hair – Muscles used – Triceps
Feel the burn while cleaning your already improving Adonis-like-body. Washing your hair not only cleans your barnet but can also improve your triceps (they’re biceps little brother that no one really cares about). Without strong triceps, your biceps will get too amazingly heavy and drag on floor like some absurd looking gorilla, so make sure your triceps are equally as bad ass as everywhere else.
Top Tip: Don’t forget to condition too. Strong hair plus strong triceps are a winning formula.
Grating cheese – Muscles used – Forearms
Vigorously grating some cheese not only burns off some calories but after completing your strenuous workout you can enjoy some delicious cheese. Not only can you enhance muscle definition, this exercise can also help ward off carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis, so there ya go! (THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE!)
Top Tip: There is another, handy exercise that utilises these muscles with rewarding benefits.
Bringing shopping home – Muscles used – Deltoids
Yeah, those muscles in your shoulders that rugby players and wrestlers have. You can get them too just by lugging the heavy shopping home. A four pinter of milk or a ham shank are pretty much dumbbells so get lifting, lad! A couple of shrugs in an ‘I don’t give a shit’ fashion and you’ll have some slammin’ deltoids in no time!
Top Tip: Add some tins of ale for extra weight. You’ve earned them after this strenuous drill.
Chucking your guts up – Muscles used – Abs
When you throw up, your stomach muscles contract, pushing what’s in your stomach out your face! This is like a blinding workout and all you have to do is eat/drink loads and then not even have to worry about all the fat or sugar or quails eggs you’ve ingested. Why hasn’t anyone thought about this before?
Top Tip: Make sure you get all that bile out too! That’s stomach acid and why would you want acid in your belly?
I actually photoshop'ed this myself LOLOLOLOL
Bench press some food – Muscles used - Pecs
Flabby man boobs (or moobs as they are medically known) are the most single biggest turn-off in a man so prepare to carve them into Greek-statuesque proportions. A couple of reps bench pressing bananas or a French stick or anything that vaguely resembles a weight and you’ll lose those bitch-titties in no time!
Top Tip: Wait until you get home before getting started. People in the supermarket might complain seeing you grunting on your back in the sausage aisle.
Take a shit – Muscles used – Kegel muscles
Who would have thought that this most basic need could build awesome muscles? But not only does building your kegel muscles continue your hardcore regime, they can also help improve sexual stamina and let’s face it, that can’t be a bad thing. With the pelvic floor muscles of a pornstar, you’ll be a sexual stallion.
Top Tip: Don’t forget to wipe your arse after this beast session/poo.
Walking up stairs – Muscles used – Quads
Don’t strain yourself too much. If you need to go further than two floors, take the lift or you’ll only end up doing damage. If the place doesn’t have a lift, get someone to give you a piggyback.
Top Tip: Take two at time if you’re feeling extra energetic.
Getting off the sofa – Muscles used – Quads
The batteries in the remote are gone so you have to bastarding-well stand up to change the channel. No worries, just incorporate it into your awesome regime! Every time you need to turn Jeremy Kyle over from Gilmore Girls just crunch dem quads. For extra hard work (if you’re up for it), do it on the way down too.
Top Tip: They’re called quads cos’ there’s four of them so once you’ve done it four times you’re pretty much set.
Running for the bus
We all hate running but sometimes it’s unavoidable. But legging it for the bus definitely counts as exercise and if you miss it you have to walk home so that’s twice as much work. Once you’re fast enough to make the bus you are officially fit and will never have to run again.
Top Tip: Make sure you swear at the driver if you miss the bus. It’s absolutely his fault! The twat.
Getting chased by yoofs
If some bigger boy wants your phone, don’t give it him. Just leg it. The extra incentive to keep going will be knowing you’ve really wound him up. Instead of a condescending slap on the cheek, you’ll probably get a full on shit-kicking or maybe even become a statistic of knife crime.
Top Tip: Fight back! Boxing and physical activity are great cardio workouts. If you die in the resulting fight, I can’t be held responsible (I said run away like a girl).
Mosh!
Listen to some awesome bands at a gig, skanky bedroom or champagne bar and have a good ol’ mosh! Work up a sweat and you’ll feel incredible! Plus you get to listen to some bangin’ choonz! Result!
Top Tip: Extra arm rotations will get those the muscle fibres going, so have a windmill! The windmillier the better!
Mission complete. Do you feel better now? If you've used this exercise routine and found it beneficial please send over some (naked) snaps to prove it. Fuck 5 a day, fuck Weightwatchers and get on this.
awful piece of information Regards
ReplyDeletebicep workouts